unexpected triggering

[brightlotusmoon]

I was reading about Lunapanties, which are panties worn in place of disposable pantyliners. I looked at the size chart, and as usual I expected to be a Small or Extra Small. According to their particular size chart, I would have to buy a Medium.
It was such a powerful, intense trigger that I closed the browser immediately, shoved the thought from my mind (naturally it kept coming back) and covered my abdomen with my hands and rocked back and forth for a few minutes. I felt the hard, flat muscles of my upper abs constricting against my palms as I breathed. I felt the soft female padding on my lower abs give and move when I pressed my fingers into it. I felt my backside pressing against the chair, my butt which felt too soft, too round, too big. And all I could think, all I wanted, was "I need to be thin again, I need to be thin again, I don't want to be a medium size in panties" and I thought it over and over because I could not stop it
And yet I knew, I knew, I knew that I was still thin, because the doctor said so and that damn useless BMI calculator said so and everyone said so.
And that is the problem with this kind of sickness. It's not my fault, and I will say it loud to the faces of those who call anorexics "stupid" and "attention whores" and who believe that a vicious eating disorder is entirely the fault of the sufferer. This is real. This isn't a cry for attention. I would have never let this happen if I could have stopped it.
I wish I didn't think these thoughts. I wish it didn't matter. I wish right now that I could go into my kitchen and make myself breakfast and know that my throat won't try to close up when I swallow more than a few bites.
Recovering and recovered are two different creatures.

Fuck.

I'll be calling the therapist soon to talk.

Fuck.

Comments

[katielilie.livejournal.com]

"Medium" is just a word. A word stamped on the tag in a pair of panties should not have so much power over you. People who wear a "small" or an "extra small" are not better people than those who wear a size "medium" "large" or "extra large". All they are are smaller. Your goodness and happiness does not live in the size of your ass. Nor should it be tied to the arbitrary words which clothing manufacturers have assigned to certain sets of measurements. What if it's just THOSE particular panties? What if their sizing is just weird and you still wear a small in most everything else? Would that make a difference? Would you be a different person when you found that out than you were five minutes before and you thought you were just bigger?

I've never been anorexic, so I can't pretend to know what you're going through. I have played dangerous games with food though, and I am no stranger to pinning those bad feelings that you have about yourself on your body, because your body is SO much easier to change than the stuff on the inside. I also know quite a bit about depression. It's a good sign that you recognize your old patterns of thinking as you're having them. That means you have come pretty far. Give yourself a little credit for what you HAVE accomplished in this process.

*massive hugs* You WILL get through this. Seeing a therapist is probably a good idea.

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

Thank you. That was refreshing. I know all of this, I really do -- but it's very difficult to believe it when the mind has been warped by an eating disorder. I really want to believe, if that helps.

[katielilie.livejournal.com]

You're welcome. I know it's hard, but I also know you will get through it.

*more hugs* :)

[fyremoon.livejournal.com]

What is wrong with the word "medium" in your mind? Medium is normal, at least in my mind.

Are there really any "recovered" anorexics? My guess its the same as an alcoholic, smoker or a drug taker that can at any time revert to their old habits and addictions.

The problem with anorexia is that it is mind driven, its similar in many respects to an addiction. You are addicted to the mental feeling of being thin. You have to gain the willpower to hold back that addiction and its cravings.

Calling anorexics "stupid" or "attention whores" doesn't help them in any way, more likely turning them away from society and people who can help and choose to suffer in silence. Its the person doing the calling is the stupid one, stupid for not understanding that anorexia is more complex than that of alcohol or smoking.

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

Nothing wrong with it at all, and that's the problem.

Sigh.

It's hard to comprehend, personally, how all this could have happened and is still happening to me. I do feel stupid. I know that "medium" is normal. But this... thing... that still exists in my brain, this addiction to deprivation, isn't so easy to dismiss. I'm trying really hard, though.

[wishkey.livejournal.com]

I went and looked at the website. They are not using industry standard sizing (which is anything but standard anyway). Since that kind of product is probably sized to include females as young as nine or ten, they started their sizing from there.

It makes me a 4XL, and that does not entirely please me, but I know it doesn't mean I got two sizes larger when I opened the browser page. It means that the manufacturer scaled their sizes from my 11 year old niece to me.

I know there is way more to the issues, and this is a trigger for you, but you can reassure yourself that this is just an arbitrary set of numbers used in manfuacturing, and not a scale against which you are judged. Those sizes don't measure the whole of your lifestyle and body, nor are they meant to.

M is not medium. It's Marvelous. Which you are! Now go enjoy your meal. Remember, food is what beautiful ladies are made of.

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

*smiles* Oh, that makes me feel much better. I didn't realize they probably cater to teenagers and girls.

*shakes head* Damn it, I wish I could beat this thing out of my head, I really do. I feel awful whenever I'm triggered, because I know how absurd the thinking is. Numbers don't mean anything!

[mistressrenet.livejournal.com]

Holy shit yes, by their sizing I'm huge.

[stainedpaper.livejournal.com]

I tried on a pair of jeans last night that I haven't worn in a while and I couldn't button them. Ugh. It was majorly depressing. I hate it when you think you're one size but a stupid size chart says you're actually bigger.

*hug*

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

*nods* I still get anxiety attacks when a pair of pants won't button even though they fit just fine the day before. I'm starting to think it's going take more years than I realized to get over this.

[flyingshaman.livejournal.com]

You know, this may not be something that you just need to get over. I mean, hopefully you will, at some point, but I do agree with the poster who said that it's easy for an recovering alcoholic to revert back to old (bad) habits, but I'm not sure it's something you need to beat yourself up over.

Not that I've been anorexic, but I've certainly felt the urges to deprive myself of food or comfort, because I had some warped thinking that it would make me more acceptable to a certain person (even though I am already quite thin). But as I and that certain person are not together anymore, it really shouldn't make a difference, should it? I'm not trying to please them anymore.

However, it's still there. And when that happens, when I'm stressed or afraid or excited (apparently anything less than calm and it's hard for me to eat), I have to come back into my body and remember that it is a vulnerable, tender human animal, and it needs food to keep going, and to have soft luscious curves. I can choose to be kind to it and gentle with it.

Holding compassion and lovingkindness for your body can be one of the hardest things to do. I know because I've been in a place where I just didn't care anything for my body. I couldn't stand what it had done (that wasn't its fault either).

Learning to see yourself as a gentle being who must nourish itself, so it can continue being vibrant and healthy, that is hard, but worth it.

*huge hugs*

I'm thinking of you.

[mistressrenet.livejournal.com]

::hugs::

At least it's been a long time since you've felt this way.

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

That is true. It's been so long I actually thought I was completely recovered.

[mistressrenet.livejournal.com]

I'm still boggling over their sizing.

[todabrilla.livejournal.com]

As one poster pointed out, the labels are just words and it's not good to attach value to them. In fact they are highly variable words that I find don't hold constant from one article of clothing to the next.

Besides, as I've said before, you are incredibly beautiful. You would look waifish and malnourished if you lost any weight.

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

*smiles and blushes* Okay, I definitely feel better now.

[sidheblessed.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[whordorable.livejournal.com]

Goodness, I am so sorry if it was my post that led to this. Um, unless this was a helpful realization?

But really, you are quite lovely and you should never let sizing bother you! (I've been there! I know, it's easier to say than do!) Every woman is different - we even change sizes from day to day because we are such fascinating, mysterious, cyclical creatures.

*hug*

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

Oh, no no no, it wasn't your post. I found the panties on my own. I just happened to see your post later. :)

[whordorable.livejournal.com]

Oh, phew! Just synchronicity then. :]

p.s. I hate inconsistent size charts. They're so annoying!