Sensitivity
Aug. 27th, 2007 01:47 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
brightlotusmoonInteresting...
Are You Too Sensitive?
By Sally Koslow
Hypersensitivity: Nature or Nurture?
Years ago, on a road trip, my husband pulled into a McDonald's. "Let's stop here," he said. "It's your kind of place."
As someone who prefers a charming bistro, or at least a funky diner, I was perfectly insulted, and my crestfallen face let him know it. He looked at me as if I were from Antarctica -- the only continent on earth where you can't buy a Big Mac -- and said, "'It's your kind of place' is the old McDonald's slogan. Don't be so sensitive!"
Ah, I'd heard that last bit before. From the time I was a small, solemn child with tears that flowed faster than you could say "just kidding," I've been accused of being thin-skinned. And it's true: I'm routinely flattened by remarks or facial expressions that others shrug off. So where does this extreme touchiness come from?
From our genes, among other sources, say experts. According to Jerome Kagan, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at Harvard University, while our genes do not dictate the nature of our temperament, they are an influencing factor. Tracking children from infancy through adolescence, Dr. Kagan found that a moody teenager was likely to have been a more fretful, standoffish toddler than the bolder, instinctively sociable children in the playroom.
"Up to 15 percent of us are born into the temperamental category called 'inhibited,'" says Bonnie Jacobson, Ph.D., director of the New York Institute for Psychological Change. "These are the people who are often labeled 'hypersensitive.' An equal number are born 'uninhibited,' and they demonstrate sociability and curiosity about the unfamiliar. The majority fall somewhere in between."
But if nature were the only factor, the babies and toddlers who cry at every loud noise and aggressive grown-up would all graduate into neurotics who overreact to every muttered comment and sideways glance. Yet scientists say that many children outgrow their early prickliness. For those who don't, it's mostly a matter of nurture.
"An environment that responds to the needs of sensitive children may result in their moving through life less fearful and self-conscious," explains Dr. Jacobson. "But inhibited children with overprotective parents can become even more fearful and touchy if they're constantly criticized." And let's face it, this happens a lot. Consider the people-magnet cherub who coos at everyone and then think about the infant who is frightened of strangers and wails when she's startled. "The compliant baby gets more positive attention, which helps her become even more secure," explains Paul Dobransky, M.D., a Chicago-based psychiatrist. "Because people are less drawn to the sensitive baby, she gets less positive attention. Meanwhile, if the parents of a highly sensitive child get upset by the child's tears, angry outbursts, moodiness and reactions instead of helping the child modulate her distress, the child can feel 'unseen' and possibly unloved. She can become even more sensitive and the parents more frustrated." Before long, I'd wager, that timid tot will be an anxious little worrywart who feels slighted by the most innocuous remark.
The Pros and Cons of Being Overly Sensitive
All of which is not to suggest that being thick-skinned is such an enviable temperamental trait. Indeed, as we delicate flowers see it, the problem is not with us but with all those sturdy Teflon-coated types who lack the emotional sonar to pick up on the painfully obvious and the obviously painful. Remember Brad Pitt, whose boorish behavior ex-wife Jennifer Aniston attributed to a missing "sensitivity chip"?
And he has lots of company. "We'd all like to think that, on the sensitivity continuum, we usually hit the right note -- tuned in to our own feelings yet sensitive enough to others to understand theirs," says Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., a psychotherapist from Los Angeles. "Unfortunately, the world is full of emotional klutzes who don't realize the impact of their own words and actions." Moreover, beyond these unintentional oafs are the outright meanies who, frankly, do wish us harm. "A cruel person may try to relieve her pain by inflicting some on you," Dr. Tessina suggests.
Cruelty, at least, is a malady that rarely strikes the sensitive. And, in fact, while it's easy to dwell on the downside of being thin-skinned, the pluses are many and varied. "Sensitive people encourage others to feel that their opinions matter, they're usually good listeners and they're naturally empathetic," Dr. Jacobson says. "And because they are so acutely aware of their own imperfections, they tend to be patient with the imperfections of others."
Lyndoria Davis, a divorced single mom from Round Rock, Texas, has long struggled with being "one of those people who takes everything personally." If someone doesn't speak to her, she is quick to assume that it's because she has said or done something to upset that person. On the flip side, however, Davis says, "my family tells me that my sensitivity makes me a kind, considerate and compassionate person. I take a lot of pride in that." In Davis's case, being sensitive contributes to healthy self-esteem.
But the pendulum can easily swing the other way, too -- where, like the princess and the pea, you feel every tiny bump so intensely that you suffer more than is reasonable. The key, as with so much else in life, is keeping things in perspective.
"I don't think I'm too sensitive, but my kids have a knack for pressing my buttons," says Becki Woodsmall, a mother of five from Bedford, Indiana. "The other day, for instance, my daughter was programming her new phone with a distinct ring for each family member. Innocently, I asked what mine was. My son-in-law suggested the song with the line 'It's my party, and I'll cry if I want to,' laughing. My feelings were hurt big time, but I knew if I showed it, matters would only get worse. So I swallowed my wounded pride."
The idea, in short, is not to become less sensitive but to be less reactive to your sensitivity. You'll never be a tough cookie, but you can look like one, at least some of the time.
Why Women Are More Sensitive Than Men
But training yourself not to take the bait doesn't mean you should ignore your gut, since strong instincts are among sensitive people's greatest assets. "Sensitivity is an awareness of attitudes, a hyperalertness that you may not even be able to verbalize," says Marianne J. Legato, M.D., medical adviser to Ladies' Home Journal and an expert on gender differences.
It's also more prevalent in women. "In multiple studies, women have been shown to be more intuitive, which makes them more sensitive than men," says Judith Orloff, M.D., an assistant clinical professor of psychiatry at UCLA. "Studies also reveal that women show more empathy and patience, whereas men are inclined toward problem-solving and are more comfortable with the language of logic than of emotion. In Western culture, especially, males are taught that it isn't macho to be sensitive and show emotion. Women are given more support to express their feelings than men are."
"It's less that women are more sensitive than that they have more invested in getting along," adds Dr. Legato, the author of Why Men Never Remember and Women Never Forget. "Women like to bond with others and work toward the goal of mutual cooperation. Males, by contrast, tend to be oriented toward immediate results."
While these "feminine" characteristics may foster deep personal relationships, they can be a hindrance in the workplace. "As a kid, I was always a 'crybaby.' Now, at work, I have trouble confronting people without getting upset," admits one graphic designer from Kansas City. "I hate it that my behavior confirms the stereotype that women are too emotional to compete in a male-driven corporate world."
But the sensitivity gender gap can hit close to home, too -- as a recent tiff I had with my husband illustrates all too well. At the end of a long day, my computer gobbled an entire afternoon's labor as if it were auditioning for the part of the carnivorous plant in Little Shop of Horrors. I was beyond meltdown as I shrieked for my husband's help.
"What did you do?" he asked me, sounding like a cop shaking down a suspect. "What I always do," I answered, teeth clenched. "I saved the file."
"You must have done something wrong."
"Don't speak to me like that," I replied, tears welling.
That night, after we'd both calmed down -- and the lost file had been retrieved -- he explained that by asking what I did he was simply trying to retrace my steps. But all I heard was that he was calling me an idiot. Which illustrates a basic principle of sensitivity: Sometimes we're reacting not to what people say, but to how they say it. (Another characteristic shared by sensitive people is an almost canine ability to hear certain tones to which others are deaf.)
Was my husband tactless? I believe he was. Did I overreact? Guilty as charged. All of which goes to show that the point at which perceptive awareness ends and oversensitivity begins is an ever-moving target. Who's ultimately at fault? Sometimes it's me, sometimes it's you, sometimes we're both behaving badly.
Sensitive soul that I am, I'll take the rap on all of the above. But, please, be gentle in laying it on me. Otherwise, you'll hurt my feelings.
Originally published in Ladies' Home Journal, August 2007.
Are You Too Sensitive?
By Sally Koslow
Hypersensitivity: Nature or Nurture?
Years ago, on a road trip, my husband pulled into a McDonald's. "Let's stop here," he said. "It's your kind of place."
As someone who prefers a charming bistro, or at least a funky diner, I was perfectly insulted, and my crestfallen face let him know it. He looked at me as if I were from Antarctica -- the only continent on earth where you can't buy a Big Mac -- and said, "'It's your kind of place' is the old McDonald's slogan. Don't be so sensitive!"
Ah, I'd heard that last bit before. From the time I was a small, solemn child with tears that flowed faster than you could say "just kidding," I've been accused of being thin-skinned. And it's true: I'm routinely flattened by remarks or facial expressions that others shrug off. So where does this extreme touchiness come from?
From our genes, among other sources, say experts. According to Jerome Kagan, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at Harvard University, while our genes do not dictate the nature of our temperament, they are an influencing factor. Tracking children from infancy through adolescence, Dr. Kagan found that a moody teenager was likely to have been a more fretful, standoffish toddler than the bolder, instinctively sociable children in the playroom.
"Up to 15 percent of us are born into the temperamental category called 'inhibited,'" says Bonnie Jacobson, Ph.D., director of the New York Institute for Psychological Change. "These are the people who are often labeled 'hypersensitive.' An equal number are born 'uninhibited,' and they demonstrate sociability and curiosity about the unfamiliar. The majority fall somewhere in between."
But if nature were the only factor, the babies and toddlers who cry at every loud noise and aggressive grown-up would all graduate into neurotics who overreact to every muttered comment and sideways glance. Yet scientists say that many children outgrow their early prickliness. For those who don't, it's mostly a matter of nurture.
"An environment that responds to the needs of sensitive children may result in their moving through life less fearful and self-conscious," explains Dr. Jacobson. "But inhibited children with overprotective parents can become even more fearful and touchy if they're constantly criticized." And let's face it, this happens a lot. Consider the people-magnet cherub who coos at everyone and then think about the infant who is frightened of strangers and wails when she's startled. "The compliant baby gets more positive attention, which helps her become even more secure," explains Paul Dobransky, M.D., a Chicago-based psychiatrist. "Because people are less drawn to the sensitive baby, she gets less positive attention. Meanwhile, if the parents of a highly sensitive child get upset by the child's tears, angry outbursts, moodiness and reactions instead of helping the child modulate her distress, the child can feel 'unseen' and possibly unloved. She can become even more sensitive and the parents more frustrated." Before long, I'd wager, that timid tot will be an anxious little worrywart who feels slighted by the most innocuous remark.
The Pros and Cons of Being Overly Sensitive
All of which is not to suggest that being thick-skinned is such an enviable temperamental trait. Indeed, as we delicate flowers see it, the problem is not with us but with all those sturdy Teflon-coated types who lack the emotional sonar to pick up on the painfully obvious and the obviously painful. Remember Brad Pitt, whose boorish behavior ex-wife Jennifer Aniston attributed to a missing "sensitivity chip"?
And he has lots of company. "We'd all like to think that, on the sensitivity continuum, we usually hit the right note -- tuned in to our own feelings yet sensitive enough to others to understand theirs," says Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., a psychotherapist from Los Angeles. "Unfortunately, the world is full of emotional klutzes who don't realize the impact of their own words and actions." Moreover, beyond these unintentional oafs are the outright meanies who, frankly, do wish us harm. "A cruel person may try to relieve her pain by inflicting some on you," Dr. Tessina suggests.
Cruelty, at least, is a malady that rarely strikes the sensitive. And, in fact, while it's easy to dwell on the downside of being thin-skinned, the pluses are many and varied. "Sensitive people encourage others to feel that their opinions matter, they're usually good listeners and they're naturally empathetic," Dr. Jacobson says. "And because they are so acutely aware of their own imperfections, they tend to be patient with the imperfections of others."
Lyndoria Davis, a divorced single mom from Round Rock, Texas, has long struggled with being "one of those people who takes everything personally." If someone doesn't speak to her, she is quick to assume that it's because she has said or done something to upset that person. On the flip side, however, Davis says, "my family tells me that my sensitivity makes me a kind, considerate and compassionate person. I take a lot of pride in that." In Davis's case, being sensitive contributes to healthy self-esteem.
But the pendulum can easily swing the other way, too -- where, like the princess and the pea, you feel every tiny bump so intensely that you suffer more than is reasonable. The key, as with so much else in life, is keeping things in perspective.
"I don't think I'm too sensitive, but my kids have a knack for pressing my buttons," says Becki Woodsmall, a mother of five from Bedford, Indiana. "The other day, for instance, my daughter was programming her new phone with a distinct ring for each family member. Innocently, I asked what mine was. My son-in-law suggested the song with the line 'It's my party, and I'll cry if I want to,' laughing. My feelings were hurt big time, but I knew if I showed it, matters would only get worse. So I swallowed my wounded pride."
The idea, in short, is not to become less sensitive but to be less reactive to your sensitivity. You'll never be a tough cookie, but you can look like one, at least some of the time.
Why Women Are More Sensitive Than Men
But training yourself not to take the bait doesn't mean you should ignore your gut, since strong instincts are among sensitive people's greatest assets. "Sensitivity is an awareness of attitudes, a hyperalertness that you may not even be able to verbalize," says Marianne J. Legato, M.D., medical adviser to Ladies' Home Journal and an expert on gender differences.
It's also more prevalent in women. "In multiple studies, women have been shown to be more intuitive, which makes them more sensitive than men," says Judith Orloff, M.D., an assistant clinical professor of psychiatry at UCLA. "Studies also reveal that women show more empathy and patience, whereas men are inclined toward problem-solving and are more comfortable with the language of logic than of emotion. In Western culture, especially, males are taught that it isn't macho to be sensitive and show emotion. Women are given more support to express their feelings than men are."
"It's less that women are more sensitive than that they have more invested in getting along," adds Dr. Legato, the author of Why Men Never Remember and Women Never Forget. "Women like to bond with others and work toward the goal of mutual cooperation. Males, by contrast, tend to be oriented toward immediate results."
While these "feminine" characteristics may foster deep personal relationships, they can be a hindrance in the workplace. "As a kid, I was always a 'crybaby.' Now, at work, I have trouble confronting people without getting upset," admits one graphic designer from Kansas City. "I hate it that my behavior confirms the stereotype that women are too emotional to compete in a male-driven corporate world."
But the sensitivity gender gap can hit close to home, too -- as a recent tiff I had with my husband illustrates all too well. At the end of a long day, my computer gobbled an entire afternoon's labor as if it were auditioning for the part of the carnivorous plant in Little Shop of Horrors. I was beyond meltdown as I shrieked for my husband's help.
"What did you do?" he asked me, sounding like a cop shaking down a suspect. "What I always do," I answered, teeth clenched. "I saved the file."
"You must have done something wrong."
"Don't speak to me like that," I replied, tears welling.
That night, after we'd both calmed down -- and the lost file had been retrieved -- he explained that by asking what I did he was simply trying to retrace my steps. But all I heard was that he was calling me an idiot. Which illustrates a basic principle of sensitivity: Sometimes we're reacting not to what people say, but to how they say it. (Another characteristic shared by sensitive people is an almost canine ability to hear certain tones to which others are deaf.)
Was my husband tactless? I believe he was. Did I overreact? Guilty as charged. All of which goes to show that the point at which perceptive awareness ends and oversensitivity begins is an ever-moving target. Who's ultimately at fault? Sometimes it's me, sometimes it's you, sometimes we're both behaving badly.
Sensitive soul that I am, I'll take the rap on all of the above. But, please, be gentle in laying it on me. Otherwise, you'll hurt my feelings.
Originally published in Ladies' Home Journal, August 2007.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2007-08-27 06:10 pm (UTC)Always have been.
Thanks for sharing this.
no subject
Date: 2007-08-27 06:30 pm (UTC)But when I realize they ARE being rude, it seems worse somehow, because I've now looked at it objectively.
I Couldn't Resist.......
Date: 2007-08-27 06:43 pm (UTC)Queen:
Sensitiviy, Sensitivity
I’m just loaded with that.
In this one word is the epitomy of the aristocrat
Sensitive soul, and sensitive stomach, sensitive hands and feet;
This is the blessing, also the curse of being the true elite.
Common people don’t know what exquisite agony is,
Suffered by gentle people like me!
Just get your hands off me!
Think up a tricky test for that wretched moat-swimming princess.
Wizard:
Madame may I suggest, Maybe we ought to…
Queen:
Don’t take all night, I’m not well, I need my rest.
Not that I’ll ever sleep on that lumpy mattress, oh God my back!
Sensitivity bane of roalty, that bed’s a torture rack.
Oh I hate to sound grumpy, but my nerves are so jumpy.
I am sure I could feel any lump, even if it were under the mattress
And small as a pea!
That’s the answer! Under the mattress… We’ll test her tonight!
One tiny pea beneath one thick downy mattress. Oh God! You’re bright!
Any genuine princess would feel it, if she doesn’t she’s through!
Get the tiniest pea and order one mattress, No! Make it two!
Wizard:
Why not five?
Queen:
Ten I think would be plenty.
Better still, make it twenty.
And to play it safe, in the event even that’s not enough to make sure she sleeps
We’ll give her a soothing sedative, won’t we? You can whip up a drink.
Something stunning; Ah…Oh, but your devlish.
I love the way you think.
She’s insensitive, so insensitive; She’ll fall asleep no doubt!
God, but you’re clever! Brilliant! A genius! You are divine! Get Out!
Re: I Couldn't Resist.......
Date: 2007-08-27 06:47 pm (UTC)Now I have to find it on YouTube.
Re: I Couldn't Resist.......
Date: 2007-08-27 07:20 pm (UTC)Re: I Couldn't Resist.......
Date: 2007-08-27 07:47 pm (UTC)Re: I Couldn't Resist.......
Date: 2007-08-27 07:51 pm (UTC)Re: I Couldn't Resist.......
Date: 2007-08-27 08:06 pm (UTC)Re: I Couldn't Resist.......
Date: 2007-08-27 08:16 pm (UTC)Re: I Couldn't Resist.......
Date: 2007-08-27 08:20 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-08-28 03:59 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-08-28 04:30 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-08-28 04:05 pm (UTC)I've endured a life-long battle with oversensitivity. But yes, like they say, it has it downsides and its attributes.
The downsides seem to outweigh, sometimes. I have a hard time sticking up for myself or sounding rational when I'm riled because my eyes are always filling with tears. I cry at commercials. I cry when I see animals on the side of the road.
Yeah. Sensitive.
no subject
Date: 2007-08-28 04:31 pm (UTC)