Body speak

[brightlotusmoon]

I think I will be smacked for this, but, well. I have reached a point where I want very much to lose at least six pounds to feel better about my body. Since gaining a bunch of post-anorexia weight, I've had enough. It's time to go down a bit. Charlotte has been watching an On Demand cable workout thing called Ab Jam and Turbo Jam, and while the instructor goes unbelievably fast, I have found that I can do the moves if I slow down to tai chi speed. Charlotte and I have worked out together a few times, and we do our own speeds: she works out at the speed of the instructor, I work out slowly and carefully. She makes sure my hips are tucked in, etc. Standing with legs apart, tailbone tucked forward under the hips, knees slightly bent, and crunching the abdominal muscles while working the muscles in the glutes, hips, legs, back arms, and shoulders at the same time. I like the way the instructor insists that everyone go at individual paces, rest when needed, don't try and do anything we can't handle. Charlotte, happily, has finally gained enough post-anorexia weight to look curvy. She has color in her cheeks, she's nicely filled out, and she's happier with less digestive problems. We're both working on muscle tone now.
I'm working my abdominals right now, as I sit typing. Part of me wonders why so many people complain that it's so difficult.
I really do not, do not want to admit it, but I'm starting to think that a lot of my anorexia behavior came from the way my mother fed me, with small portions, not allowing me junk food, reinforcing my thinness as very healthy, even when I was obviously skeletal. She and Dad are skinny, but that is because she doesn't eat junk food, he rarely eats junk, and they eat small, balances meals with every food from nature and animal. They do yoga and Pilates and take long walks and work with free weights. It's really an ideal way to eat and exercise. But I think that because it was my childhood diet, I spent my adult years rebelling in very weird ways. My family life was wonderful and loving, what did I have to rebel against? Myself? The way I was living with my parents? How I ate? In college, I was surrounded by bad food. Nobody was telling me to eat all my vegetables and not eat that cake. Oh, subconscious. The eating disorder was just a whole other layer.
After recovery, I ate the way my parents ate, but I kept some of the sugary sweet foods to appease my sweet tooth. Unfortunately I stopped paying close attention, and now here it is. I'm not at all overweight, not even close. But I'm soft. Mom made a comment that the weight I'd gained around my hips might be putting a strain on my hips and legs. I don't see how that's possible unless I had gained a great deal of weight. A good portion of what I've gained is muscle.

I think I'm rambling.

I'm not scared when I see numbers on a scale anymore. I just remind myself to cut down on the foods that make me feel heavier, the refined and the fatty. I just remind myself to keep exercising, keep walking, keep climbing stairs, even when it hurts.

A big personal private inspiration now is my husband. He started Chantix, the anti-smoking anti-depressant, a month ago. He has lost fifteen pounds in less than three months, bought a mountain bike, and has been working out just by doing his job. He tells me I could gain fifty pounds and still be beautiful, that he loves me and loves the sight of me and that the flaws I see are invisible to him. And yet seeing him, his slender body and his activity, it makes me want to do these things for myself. I have a Pilates ring and ball, a yoga mat. Marcia, the yoga instructor and massage therapist that rents my parents' basement apartment, gave me a two hour massage on Saturday and recommended Kripalu yoga. I want to do such good things for my body. I bought new clothes with Mom.

Also? I'm PMSing, and as we all know, a PMSing woman can gain ten pounds in a day from fluids, salts, etc. No matter how much we exercise.

End ramble.

Comments

[wolfden.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[thedalikiss.livejournal.com]

i'm on chantix too and i haven't had a cigarette in close to 8 weeks. it really works.

and yes, i kinda do want to slap you upside the head, but i understand at the same time. just be careful dearling, ok...

-hugs- love you much.

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I love you too. I'll be careful.

I'm so glad the Chantix is working! Have you had any mood swings or pissy moments, like Adam is? It's not so much the drug as it is the lack of cigarettes.

[thedalikiss.livejournal.com]

i did in the first couple of weeks. you're right, it's more the nicotine withdrawal than the med itself. the only thing he needs to be careful about is drinking while he's on it.

-hugs-

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

*nods* We're lucky I can put up with him when he's in nictoene withdrawal, because then it just turns into witty banter. ;)

He hasn't been drinking much, maybe a glass of bourbon here and there -- and some of the blueberry port from Sag Harbor. Does the amount matter?

[thedalikiss.livejournal.com]

if he's only having a drink or two at a time, it's ok... but my doc was really insistant on not more than that.

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

Got it.

[armandii.livejournal.com]

Oh I fully understand. I too have a history of disordered eating (both anorexia AND compulsive overeating and obesity in different periods) and it can be scary to make that decision to lose a little but you sound as if you are thinking sensibly. I think it unlikely that
6 lb is affecting your legs and hips. Earlier this year I was about 40 - 50 lbs overweight for my 4' 9" height and my GP said it WAS contributing to my hip pain but 6 lbs is nothing. I'm now around 20 lbs overweight and when I saw the physio last week she said that losing it would not make a huge difference to my hip pain. I'm still planning to lose it but not necessarily because of my joint problems.
I think you will be ok.

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

Thank you, this helps.

[tonithegreat.livejournal.com]

I don't think there's anything wrong with analyzing your eating habits and lifestyle the way you are in this post. Most people should probably think about why they eat the way they do.

I don't see you except in occassional pictures, either, but I seriously doubt that you need to loose six or probably even any pounds. In fact, if you are excercising and firming up, you may be gaining pounds (because muscle weighs more than fat) and looking and feeling better for it.

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

I think you're right about the muscle. When I told my mother that I weighed 114, she was shocked, because she's always known me to weigh under 105. So I think her comment that I might be straining my hips came from that surprise -- obviously I look thin enough.

[todabrilla.livejournal.com]

I agree wholeheartedly with tonithegreat, be proud of the extra muscle mass. Don't use your mother as your standard. You look positively beautiful and healthy in every photo I see of you. Biomechanically you have nothing to worry about either.

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I think subconsciously I've always used my mother as a standard. I really shouldn't. I should use the women in my father's family. They're very Italian -- hourglass figures, full curves. The women in my mom's family were all very thin.

[brighid0704.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you're feeling better about yourself and your body, and that you want to do good things for yourself.

I've been anorexic for almost fourteen years, and it's so hard to shake. There will be times when I feel like I'm doing fine, and then, I'll start to freak out again about food and the way my body looks to other people. (Sigh)

Good luck to you.

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

*hugs you* I feel for you. At least you're doing better in general!