A long Monday

[brightlotusmoon]

I spent the day with Charlotte and Vicky, and I spoke to Adam on the phone -- he landed in Miami this morning, but his next flight back to Maryland isn't until nine this evening. Ten hours of waiting and wandering in the airport. He can't go visit his parents because they won't be off work until late, and by the time they could come get him, he'd need to be at his gate. He's been watching movies on his laptop and walking around. Ten hours. I'd lose my mind, I think.
I also had a long discussion with Adam about personal matters, which made me realize I have a good deal about myself that I need to work on. I made a financial mistake, not terrible but a mistake I shouldn't have made, which I was willing and ready to correct, but Adam suggested a better compromise -- I finally agreed with his decision, but I have started reevaluating myself scrutinizing my behavior and compulsions and fixations, realizing that I need to change how I see myself and love myself. I don't have the healthiest image of myself. I think that's why I spend money on the cosmetic things that I buy. Trying to make myself feel better on the outside to feel better on the inside. But I also need to remember that I don't need everything all at once; it'll all still be there months later, after all.
The conversation was quite cleansing. I needed it.
The thing about humans is that we can be as selfish as we can be selfless, self-absorbed as we can be self-aware, and it can be too easy to fall into the uncertainty in between that can push us one way or the other. Nobody is perfect, no matter what we do or how much we do. I spent most of my adolescence with a delayed emotional maturity, and it is spilling out in small, certain ways.
But I'm happy to work with myself. I got a powerful boost this weekend. It's what I needed.
Adam will be home very late tonight -- after midnight. I'll be going to bed early so I can wake up easily and go back to sleep after the reunion.

Time to do some novel writing and housecleaning.

Comments

[unico-love.livejournal.com]

I spend money on clothes when I get upset or anxious or feel bad about myself, so I know what that's like:-/ I hope you start feel better about yourself soon. At least you have the novel to look forward to:)

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

Even though I'm not autistic, I understand what it's like to have that sort of mental place; I retreat too easily into myself when I am upset or depressed or disappointed in myself, and part of it manifests in compulsive shopping. Thing is, I always buy more of what I already have, like I think it'll disappear any minute. It's something I need to stop doing.

[unico-love.livejournal.com]

Well a lot of conditions do have things in common. A friend of mine with ADHD and OCD had a lot in common with me.

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

*nods* I sometimes marvel at how many conditions have similar symptoms and manifestations.

[franny-glass.livejournal.com]

I have compulsive shopping problems too, usually when I'm manic. I go whole periods without buying anything, but if I buy one thing, I have to buy evvvvvvvvverything to go with it.

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

I denied it for a long time, and while it's not serious, it still causes issues -- not so much because I buy the stuff, but because I'll keep buying the same stuff even though I haven't used up what I have. Part of my brain seems to think that these products will no longer be there, and I need to shut that part up. I can still have those things, I just need to use up everything I already have and then rethink about whether or not I really need them again. Some of the products I do need -- they offer topical pain relief and such -- but the rest is just spurious and impulsive.
Feels good to admit it.