The Return To Innocence

http://www.druidry.org/obod/festivals/samhain.html
(I am not actually a Druid, I have no Celtic blood as far as I know, and I am a different kind of pagan. But it resonates.)

Things have been... Happening. Yesterday, today, guaranteed to continue tomorrow. I have been having memories outside of my lifetime, outside of this whole reality, and I am Learning Things that make me want to cringe and also exclaim "Oh! So that's why. Well. I suppose can live with that. I don't have a choice."

There has been a resonating. Energy. Mind. Nature. Physics. Whatever the hell it is. I don't explain it because I can't. It just happens. It's just there. It's in the elements, yes, all those elements too. It's physical, it's mental, it's emotional, it's psychological, it's social, it's spiritual. I don't wonder why some people can't or won't feel it. Why should they? It doesn't affect them.

My atheist mother raised me to be a skeptic; she can't quite understand why I "believe in magic." That's the wrong phrase. I believe in the art and science of using my personal energy, essence, intention, and willpower to create small subtle changes in my environment and myself. The term "magic" is just easier to say with two syllables. Magic is also a by itself. It does what it does. It's not explainable. It's fickle. It may be about intention and personal power but it doesn't have to listen. It doesn't always work. It doesn't make me a superhero or a sorcerer. My mother actually asked once, somewhat glibly, "If you and your friends can do magic, why haven't they healed you yet?" Oh, mother. No. No. It doesn't work that way. Nothing works that way. The symptoms lie thick and twisted on the surface, while the shattered core and the broken source run so deep that they can't be reached yet. It's about the small things I can touch right now, not the huge things I can't reach even later.

The universe is so old and so huge, and yet people love to think that everything should be contained somehow, should be shrunk down to be studied and understood by religion and science. We cannot comprehend something so amazingly macrocosmic.

There are aliens out there. There are other worlds out there. There are alternate dimensions out there. There are supernatural things out there. I know, but I don't understand. I can't explain anything. I don't understand everything. I don't even understand myself. I don't want to be contained. I want to feel. I want to know. I don't care if someone thinks I am misinformed or foolish. Things exist. Things happen. Explanation is futile. Really, it doesn't even matter. That's all I understand for now.

Anyway.
Resonating. Memories. Things. I've been seeing things, sensing things, feeling things, hearing things, knowing things. No explanation. I don't want an explanation. Tonight, the veil between life and death is thin, and stuff is happening. Skeptics won't feel it. Fellow sensitives might feel it. I do indeed feel it. There is something looking over my shoulder today.

Samhain Oh Ten. Let the harvest flourish and the cider flow. Also, there are pentagrams and pretty stones all over my house. It's all shiny, captain.

Last night, I went to the first Halloween party I've been to in years. I didn't actually know anybody -- I only knew the hostess from LiveJournal. But she and I had become fast friends over the course of a year, as we both suffered from various chronic illnesses and were quickly becoming each other's support system. And she only lived forty minutes away. All I wanted, more than anything right then, was to take her in my arms, hug the breath out of her, and tell her she was beautiful and that everything would be all right.
On Saturday morning, Adam and I slept in a little later than we'd meant to. The first agenda was to head to Charlotte and Billy's for pumpkin carving. We got there shortly after noon, and we were there until almost five. I had originally planned to be at Mandi's by six-thirty, before the party started, so she and I could spent time together one on one. But circumstances pushed that back. It was all good. I knew I'd be giving her those hugs no matter what. Adam and I headed home and readied ourselves. We didn't actually have costumes. We were just exaggerated versions of ourselves: A subtle witch and a sword-carrying cowboy wizard.
We arrived at the party around seven-thirty. We were able to just walk right in, and I immediately fell in love with the layout of the one-story house. It felt fantastically rustic and cozy. We introduced ourselves to people, and were told that Mandi was giving a tour to other guests.
I turned to the left and saw a petite girl in a black wig, short black skirt, low-cut top, thigh-high tights, and high-heeled boots, looking exactly like Shilo Wallace from "Repo! The Genetic Opera" just as she said she would. I grinned and said, "Ahem!" She turned, saw me, and smiled so brightly her face lit up. We rushed to each other and hugged and hugged and I never wanted to let go. I wanted to break down crying right there, because all those things we wrote to each other were swirling in my mind, and it was rather intense. I could almost look her in the eye, and we were both in heels; I liked that. I introduced Adam. Mandi introduced her husband, Toby, who was aptly dressed as Nathan/The Repo Man from "Repo! The Genetic Opera." Adam showed off his trench coat and sword, which prompted Toby to show off his swords and staffs, and things got underway.
In the past, I have never felt truly comfortable and relaxed in a house full of strangers. I have always been shy and anxious and terrified that the wrong things would come out of my mouth. Here, I didn't have to worry. Everyone was my kind of person. Everyone had a fascinating story. Everyone was kind, warm, bubbly, happy, and welcoming. I remember all the faces, even though names began escaping me quickly. Adam stayed near my side to give me confidence and ease, but I didn't need it. I chatted with so many people and laughed so many times I didn't even realize my nerves were soothed.
Close to the end of the night, one of the cats, Ritty, began calling me to play with her. I found myself sitting in the hallway near the master bedroom with Adam and a guy named Jake, playing with Ritty and talking about metaphysics, magic, paranormal encounters, and psychic abilities.
Adam and I left around ten-thirty, since Adam had to work in the morning. We wished we could have stayed longer. It was marvelous. My goodbye hug with Mandi was shorter than I'd wanted it to be. Thank you, Mandi and Toby, for an amazing night. We will be seeing you again.

Also, while working with various tools to carve pumpkins with, Adam stabbed himself in the hand with a nail. His right hand will be hurting for a while. Beyond that, the excitement was minimal.

Also, I am still in a flare. I hid it well all day yesterday, but now I am making the sadface quite a bit. This too shall pass.

http://www.crystalinks.com/day11halloween.html

Personal note: I'm starting to get privately irritated when some people assume Halloween is about evil and demon-darkness.
Someone once told me, years ago, "Samhain marks the time of year when the goddess takes over for the god, who retreats into the underworld to rest and renew his vigor for the next spring. I believe that as Christianity was spreading across Europe, Christian leaders chose to depict Samhain as an evil holiday because it raised ideas of spirits and the dead walking among the living, the worlds colliding; and for them, it may have meant Hell and the devil and demons. And, the notion of the world being 'ruled' by a feminine deity as the male deity slept probably didn't sit well at all when Christianity became mainstream."
This makes some sense to me.

In my law office, some of the secretaries are in full costume. There are several witches going around, the classic "evil ugly warty cackling witch" cliche type. Someone asked me why I wasn't in costume. I was tempted to smile and say, "But I'm already a witch, I don't need a costume." However, I would need to explain my belief system, and that would take time and effort and I'd have to be certain people wouldn't immediately recoil (yes, that's happened). And, since I think I am the only pagan in the office, I didn't want word getting around that the library assistant is "weird and occultish." Most people just think my pentacle pendant is a lovely star design. I just smile and thank them.

I have no desire to "celebrate Halloween" tonight. I may stay upstairs in my bedroom so I won't have to hand out candy. I'm feeling fatigued and rather anti-social and not very cheerful.