The Return To Innocence

So, my thoughts have been spinning merrily amidst what could be a spiraling episode of... Oh, fuck, probably everything at once. After I had a chat with three doctors about the consequences of stress-related memory loss, I quietly decided to start a private mindfulness therapy, which I have only been sharing with the psychologist, for advice, while I move forward in my own brain to stop my own brain from destroying my mindstate.

Tomorrow, I see my general physician and have her write a referral for the local hyperbaric oxygen therapy center. Although it's a bit premature, as they have yet to call me back about an initial consultation. While I was filling out their online New Patient form, I started wondering if they would even take someone like me, with two dozen illness. Even though cerebral palsy is the cornerstone. I just feel so excited about it. That's a good thing. I can still most of my emotion things.

What I find beautiful and fascinating about my private therapy protocol is that almost nobody believes me. I have been stuck in something insane since 2010. Why would they believe I would "get better" now, so many years later after therapy and medications and meditative exercises? Then again, none of them have been in long term therapy or medication. It really does take many years to spur a change this massive. Hence the secret protocol, which includes a possible medication update and potential oxygen therapy.

I don't expect anyone to believe me. I don't expect anyone to believe in my desire to change with this therapy protocol. How could they? Why would they? I am the same as I was when symptoms started. But I don't want their belief. I don't really want support if there is no actual active knowledge. How can you say "Hey, I've been there, I get it, fist bump in solidarity" unless you really have gone through a similar structure of treatment repeatedly for a grab bag of illnesses that mindfuck you for no reason?
Actual legitimate question, BTW.
If you're also a parent of someone with interconnected psychiatric and neurological disorders, I would love input, because when I try to explain these things to my mom who only has hereditary ADHD controlled via lifestyle, my emotion-brain starts shutting down so my technical-brain can word at her, and I know she wants less science and more human. I'm trying. I just cannot get past that very protective mental guardian who shields emotion-Joanna from Outside. And oh, as much as I love Serena, she feels it is easier and gentler to let me sleep while she and Koan the calico kitten organize and compartmentalize all the Me. Ananta works hard enough balancing out all the neuroweird that Alicia in my private epileptic Wonderland can't reach. I haven't had much success in psychically merging with Asha. We are working out my dissociative and depersonalization episodes first.

I will do this. It will happen. Steps have been severely taken. Hard to talk. But if you think you get it, I would love a discussion via Private Message. I am willing to reveal bits and pieces of my Rebuild Joanna Brain Project to acquire tips and advice from those who get it.

Now, see, I view many people as family beyond my blood family - who shall remain the besy family I would want. Various people in my social circle - friends plus family - have always stood with me. I will always need and want that. But for those who are truly normal and looking at me with confusion, puzzlement, exasperation, fear, anger... and the type of condesencing that means pats on the head, chuckling, and "I love you sweetie. Of course you'll change." "You do nothing. You never help. You are too self absorbed, you don't think, you claim memory loss. It is all right, dear. We are used to hit. Just finish writing." Followed by another hair tousle. I'm used to it. It's routine because I am me.
I am not out to prove them wrong, not entirely. I am out to prove to myself that my neuroplasticity really might eradicate the worst of the annoying symptoms.
Maybe this whole autistic ramble came from my hope and excitement over this slow gentle therapeutic process. If loved ones want me to speed it up, I can turn away for a while to meditate.

All I know is that my own husband has been putting up with me forever, and that says something huge.

Love you, LJ family.

My mother once told me a story of how she was walking down a quiet street, and a man in a business suit was walking toward her, talking loudly, eyes staring straight ahead, arguing with... himself? Mom assumed he was, because he certainly wasn't yelling at her. Then as they passed, she saw the device in his ear. My mother is not technologically savvy at all. She hates computers. She avoids the internet like the plague. She only recently got a prepaid cell phone and a fax machine. My parents don't have cable. Not even an electric can opener. So Mom was understandably flabbergasted by the Bluetooth. "It was like seeing Star Trek come to life," she told me. "But if I hadn't seen the thing in his ear, I would have assumed he was crazy. Maybe we should give Bluetooths and cell phone headsets to the folks who really do wander around yelling at imaginary people; they could at least fit in."
I figuratively patted her head over the phone and told her, "It's a crazy world, Mom, you're just living in it."
She's going to need to adapt sooner or later. Art galleries now want JPEGS, not slides, of artists' works. Adam will be getting her a laptop with the most basic things. Mom doesn't even want an email address. If she wants to look up a website, she says, she'll go to a friend's house. She hates scrolling, it gives her a headache.
Part of me is glad my mother isn't on the internet. In a way she's innocent of all the wank and bullshit out there. Also, she doesn't have to know what I blog about.
However, it was very amusing and cute when she called me up recently and asked, "Have you heard about these people online called trolls? They're horrible! Why would people do that?"
She couldn't understand. Frankly, I don't either, and I've argued with trolls, which makes it even less understandable. Her horror is valid. The world is full of assholes. Most of them are on the internet.