Spears and pain monsters

[brightlotusmoon]

When I woke up, I had more energy than usual, so I put it to use. I went for a walk, I read fiction voraciously, I wrote stories like a brain on fire.

I did stuff with the energy I had. Now I am drained. Damn it. I don't use the spoon analogy anymore. I use spears. I have only so many spears to aim and throw at all my syndromes and disabilities, and I am about to run out. Also most of the spears need polishing.

See, it is easier for me to think of weapons with which to battle or pacify my medical conditions. Spears work more visually in my mind. The spoon theory is a lovely analogy, but it never really worked for my brain. I am used to moving through my disabilities with a stabby stabby process, and I find that aiming and hurling stick-like objects helps me focus emotionally, and also spears make good walking sticks. So, I have the Spear Theory. I have a certain amount of spears that I wake up with every day, give or take a couple of handfuls. The more spears I start with, the better I feel and the more energy I have. Every time a symptom strikes, I take aim with one spear, even two or more. The more spears I hurl, the fewer I have left, and the closer the Syndrome Monsters come toward me. As the Syndrome Monsters get closer, I get weaker, and any leftover spears turn into melee edged weapons instead of melee ranged weapons. But by the time I charge into battle, my body is struggling, and I can only do so much. Even if I have just one spear left, I am going to make it count, as I fly into a bloody rage with all the meager strength I have left. Just one more step, and then I can fall over. Just one more spear.

Spoons say, "I have only THIS MUCH reservoir energy and strength for this one day, and once it is gone that is it! Poor me, I'm too weak to make it to tomorrow."
Spears and weapons say, "Okay, motherfuckers, I'm going to take the day as much as I can, I am going to run and attack and defend until I'm drained and exhausted, and then I'm going to crawl, and then I'm going to ask someone to carry me, and when I am finally done, then I will collapse willingly. CHARGE."
It's the Boadicea method of dealing with illness. Probably why Enya's "Boadicea" is a favorite song of mine.

I've got a few left. I'm going to use those spears wisely, even if it has to be close combat. Go me, go me, go go go...

Comments

[el-esteleth.livejournal.com]

Oooh, I like this spear analogy. :)

Also, completely off topic, could you remind me the brand of cosmetics you use? I'm about to run out of eye shadow (the only makeup I wear really) and the stuff I use is discontinued so I thought I'd check out the brand you use if you'd not mind. :)

*hugs*

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

Well, I use several brands! I can list them all here for you. :)

100% Pure
BareMinerals
MAC
Josie Maran
Anastasia Beverly Hills
Physician's Formula

I'm always searching for good eyeshadows, so if I think of more brands, I'll let you know!

[el-esteleth.livejournal.com]

Oooh, thankies. :)

Have you ever used Aromaleigh? I ran across that while searching around.

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

I did many years ago. I should try it again!

[el-esteleth.livejournal.com]

It's on sale right now for 33% off. :) Can't beat that.

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

Oh! Take a look at these! 50% off, with kaolin in the ingredients!
http://www.etsy.com/shop/JustFABCosmetics?ref=pr_shop_more

[el-esteleth.livejournal.com]

Ooooh, these are nice. :D (Sorry for the delay, I got distracted looking around that shop.)

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

I'm planning on ordering Amethyst, Mermaid, and Black Orchid! I love shimmery eyeshadows.

[el-esteleth.livejournal.com]

Oooh, fun. I'm still looking around. I love shimmery eyeshadows too. My eyes work well with the purples. It makes my brown pop. Hehe. I'm having so much fun looking at colors. :)

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

Ditto. My brown eyes love light purples, light blues, and deep grays, but they have to be the right shades to make sure I don't look bruised. I really love the Black Orchid shadow because it's so multidimensional and it wouldn't look badly on me!

[el-esteleth.livejournal.com]

*nods* I have to be careful not to get things in the warm spectrum cuz if I have too much yellow/green/etc my skin looks bruised and stuff. So I gravitate towards things that are on the cooler end of the spectrum. I found a concealer/color corrector in that store that is supposed to correct for rosacea. I think if nothing else I'm getting that because I HATE my rosacea and am so self conscious about it.

[phoenixsansfyr.livejournal.com]

That is a really awesome analogy! And I hope it gives you just a bit more strength for your battles.

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

Thanks! It came out of a conversation with a friend with multiple disabilities similar to mine. Neither of us really related to spoons, so we started coming up with other things and decided that stuff used in battles would work.
We debated spears or shields and she kept coming back to spears, and I realized how perfect it was.

I'm thinking of expanding it into a story-type description, but it keeps tumbling around in my brain and I feel like I cannot quite make it all cohesive. But I know that people get it.

[oneonthefence.livejournal.com]

I remember this. Oddly, of all things I remember, I remember this. <3

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

Wow. Yeah? That's great!
It was a fantastic chat. Thank you for suggesting the spears over the shields! I'm glad that's something you remember, that is so awesome! <3

I haven't checked my friends pages in a while, but I imagine you feel really super awful, so I am sending as much healing love as I can. May your spears be fully stocked as soon as possible!

Oh, and I had another dream about you.
We were sitting in a large open kitchen, shuffling Tarot cards in a deck full of misty, feminine images. The sun was shining gently through the window, along with a cool breeze.
Your hair was chin length, very dark, with a pink streak. You held up one card and said, "You need to keep this."
It showed a smiling young woman holding her arms up to the very blue sky, with both a sun and a full moon above her, with a lavender mist swirling around her feet. In the middle of her forehead was a burst of violet energy that radiated out to her hands and above her head. Her hands were surrounded by a pale gold light. I couldn't see the background because of all the mist, though.
The woman was wearing an ankle-length sleeveless pale blue dress with a draped neckline, and silver slippers on her feet. Her hair was mocha-colored, down to her waist, and her complexion was extremely pale, almost unnaturally, like she was recovering from a long illness. Her eyes were bright green with deep brown around the irises.
She reminded me of the actress and singer Emmy Rossum, but with softer features.
I asked you why I should keep the card since it belonged in the deck, and you said, "Well, the point of this deck is that it is a gift, as a whole and in pieces. It's not mine or Toby's. I found it in one of the boxes in Jimmy's new room. It's meant to be distributed to the right people."
I nodded and put the card in my purse. Then, you shuffled the deck and pulled out a card, which you looked at, smiled, and set aside. I asked if that was the card for you to keep. You said yes. You looked very relieved, but you wouldn't say what the card was about.
"It's fine," you said, "it will all be fine eventually. I saw Toby's card, and I'll know which card to give to James when he's old enough."
Then, the kitchen began filling up with that soft purple mist, and I grabbed your hand. I said, "I don't want to go just yet." You said. "I don't either, but this isn't the end. Of course we'll do this again, Jo! Just don't forget your card. I promise I won't forget mine. They're so important! You are so important." I grinned and blew you a kiss and said, "You are so important, Mandi. I love you!"
I woke up feeling a kind of heat in my solar plexus. I really wish I were an artist so I could draw that card!

[natalief.livejournal.com]

I like this analogy. I did previously like the spoons analogy as well but nw see that it is just a bit passive. Mind if I link to this and add it to my memories?

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

Go for it! :)

I always thought the spoon theory was hasty and overly passive - things happen to you and you react.
I think the Spear theory lets you control what happens and you can act, rather than react. You see things happening to you but you actively seek to remedy them.

[teal-cuttlefish.livejournal.com]

so sorry, I followed the link from Mandi's blog, and left my note to her here. I did read your dream and I think it sounds positive and promises a lengthy friendship.

[ashbet]

I really do like the way you put this :)

It may make more visceral sense to "insiders" than to able-bodied people, but then again, spoons are pretty nonsensical -- they only make sense in the context of the Spoon Theory story. I like them because they're a bit whimsical... but there are days when I'm sharpening my grapefruit spoons and going for the monsters' eyes.

I like that spears aren't passive and are less reactive, and as a fighter, I love the analogy.

I'm used to my spoons and will probably hang onto them, if for nothing else than because they're a memory that I can easily access -- but it's nice to be reminded that the spears are there for when I need them.

<3!

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you put it that way! Visceral vs whimsical.
I know Christine grabbed spoons because she wasn't really prepared, it was spur of the moment, they were at a diner, etc... But I often wonder what other objects could have been used. The only way spoons are useful as weapons are to carefully scoop out the offending painful body part - which might need to be stabbed or cut first. Unless the spoon is really sharp metal? ;) <3

At this point, I thing most people are using spoons literally as a symbol more than a description, just because that theory was the first to truly resonate with disabled and invisibly ill folk.