brightlotusmoon: (Asha)
'Reborn' by Laura Sava (anotherwanderer.deviantart.com/)
'Mirabella' by Rachel Anderson (www.silverstars.us/‎)

Two forms of my own story character, Asha Clara Night, my strongest, most individual, most personal fiction character.

These paintings. Completely different images that look almost exactly like incarnations of the same character of my own subconscious creation Women who look almost exactly like the dreamself I am becoming in my dreams and visions.

Laura-sava-Reborn

Rachel Anderson Mirabella


She was in my dreams last night and many nights before. I haven't decided exactly who she is yet, but in my dreams her name is Asha, meaning "desire, hope, hopeful; life; alive; she who lives." Which says so much, so so much.

She is another dreamself, not a spirit guardian, but much closer to my Self than my other characters (Alicia, Serena, Ananta: my spirit guardian coping mechanisms for epilepsy, memory loss, insomnia, sleep problems, [Alicia], chronic pain and fatigue, depression, anxiety, physical disabilities [Serena], neurology, neurodivergence, autism, total mind-body connection [Ananta].

Asha seems to represent many internal things about my emotions, my heart and mind, my rhyme and reason, my logic, my science, my creativeness and creativity, my power, my energy, my beauty. If she were to reveal herself as a guardian, she would be for emotional states, creative thoughts, desires, loves, patterns, ideas.
Asha is definitely powerful in a way I always wanted to be since childhood: Fae and and Elemental Mage and Neurodivergent and Autistic Witch and Quantum Magic Scientist and Story Crafter and Shape Shifter and Magic Librarian and Magic Keeper.

Asha seems to represent my deep, obsessive, compulsive wish and desire to be one of the psionic-mage superhumans in my stories, to take over for be when I feel failure and self-loathing and terror and panic. I think Asha may in fact be an actual entity, one who communicates outside instead of simply speaking into my visions, dreams, pain flare withdrawings, anxiety attacks.

All I know is that Asha was in every dream last night and throughout the past several sleeps, long detailed intense dreams, and she quoted Kosh. She spoke in a soprano version of my voice that could sing. She was always here She is always here. She has always been here.
I think she was with me since I was a baby. In different forms, in different species, with different names, in different imaginary beings, in different fictional characters. She was made of fire. She used to be a phoenix, a unicorn, a dragon, a star, a nebula. I know Asha. I know Asha in the way I hope to know myself.

The thing is, Asha has a fully active voice when I am completely conscious, aware, awake, functional, and stable. She didn't completely create herself, but she grew and evolved over my lifetime in her own way as a character in my subconscious. She took ideas I worked with and wove them into her personality, behavior, and mentality. My disabilities are hers. She stayed and changed and grew with me like a permanent piece of my spirit. Asha also represents my fluid sexuality - I often visit her in the place she calls home and we make love, representing my desires for love and orientation.

She lives with Alicia in the Wonderland cottage, but she freely moves about my brain more often. She shapeshifts into elemental energies, she moves around my hippocampus and amygdala and temporal lobes and cingulate gyrus and thalamus and auditory cortex and somatosensory cortex and parital lobe and the back of my brain.
She has altered the Wonderland cottage to be something else entirely, with three bedrooms, two bathrooms, two office rooms, a large entertainment living room, a large kitchen, a basement. The outside build would contain concrete, cement, hemp and limestone, bamboo, steel. The glass windows are shatterproof. The doors are hemp-lime and timber. That must say something about my mind's inner workings. Especially since the main reason for hemp being illegal is due to its threat to corporate patentable synthetic fibers and wood and paper product industries, while the medicinal drug potential became subject to false claims and fear mongering alarm campaigns until the original industrial potential became buried under the alarmist anti drug campaigns. Part of me probably knows how powerful this is. Medicine from nature itself and the human brain itself is usually denied and seen as worthless.

Asha represents that part of me that firmly supports the controversial balance of traditional pharmaceutical medicine and nontraditional botanical medicine.
Asha is my activism and advocacy. Asha is the fire that moves my belief in the combination of synthetic drugs and organic drugs. Asha is the phoenix in me that rises after every defeat, every failure, every attack, every oppression, every attack and assault on my truths and faiths.

Throughout many names, faces, back stories, lives, personalities, and individual growths... she has always been Asha Clara Night. And this is how she asked me to look so I could see that there is beauty deep and shining.

I must find and thank the artists for these images, since I found myself taking these pieces of artwork and subconsciously turning them into incarnations of my own fictional character.

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10151978626835684&l=17dde55bf4

Asha may well be the character in that second novel after all. It won't be this Asha, my Asha; just a version, a more humanized incarnation I can bring out to show the public. This excites me. She could help me write it, just by living in my mind.
brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Ruby Blood Dragon Witch Light)

My medically knowledgeable best friend was right about that daily extra Klonopin. Hello, sudden sobbing breakdown and potential nightmare about my cat dying all over again.
I know she is still here. She's just not... here.
Oh, Rose-kitten. I miss your sleepy weight on my torso.
...
Oh, now this is fascinating.
I took that second Klonopin while crying wildly. Across the hall, in the other room, Calliope started meowing loudly. I went in despite wanting to just curl back up in bed. She immediately rubbed against my legs. When I sat on the couch, she nuzzled and kneaded me, then jumped down, rolled on the floor, and offered her belly. I immediately, instantly, powerfully, got a sense of "I am here to give you comfort. Here is my love, if you want it. Touch me. Love me. If you want. I am here." And as soon as I touched her face and she purred so loud my hand vibrated, I felt so calm and tranquil it was like a river becoming still after a rock had been tossed in. Mind, the Klonopin had not had a chance to work yet. But Calliope's purring did... something. I just breathed. I breathed and I stroked her and I ran my fingers through her unshaved belly fur, and she nibbled my fingers and rubbed her cheeks on them. She hadn't instantly jumped on me or rubbed my face, but she had quietly and simply offered comfort. And as I made sounds of pain and sadness, her soft mewing and loud purring grew stronger.
I know it is far too soon to tell, but I think this kitten will be a medicine cat. Not like Rose. Not in an instant touch way. In a quantum touch way. Give when it is needed. Push out serenity without nudging. Be there without being instant.
I think I can work with that...

 

She jumped onto my lap now, right as I write this, purring purring purring, and I swear it is quantum healing. Touch when touch seems okay, distance with comforting waves when needed. Yes. This is who Calliope will be. Offering. Asking. Culture of consent. Do you want me to help you? I am here if you need me. I will not disturb you unless you come to me. I understand you. I will care for you. Here is my energy. Here is my Serenity.
The way she touches me is like a healer hovering hands above a patient, drawing power from outside sources.

 

I believe her middle name should be Serenity.

 

I think she knows who Rose is...







brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Ruby Blood Dragon Witch)
Seizure happened in the kitchen. Jupiter meowed and rubbed against me while I crouched. Adam came in and gently lay me on the floor. My eyes were open and blank. Adam touched my face and reached for my mind, and I spasmed and gasped and blinked. I asked why I was on the floor. Adam helped me up and stood me against the large freezer. My memory is swirling. Alicia is holding me. Earlier, Adam said he told his boss, a fellow animal lover, that he needed an extra day to care for his wife. I rolled my eyes and said that was not necessary; that I was fine. Never mind. It was so dark and so white equally braided as order and chaos magics. I was spinning at ninety-nine percent light speed and thirty-five miles an hour. The world was elsewhere. A few seconds lasted a thousand years. Adam suggested I go upstairs and rest. Jupiter is suggesting a cuddle. I am thinking coffee and clonazepam and baclofen. I am made of light and love and pure order-chaos magic in its simplest form. I can give myself the right strength. May be that I can regenerate. As brightly and intensely as a Time Lord. I always shine enough for everyone.

brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Blood Red Warrior)
http://www.upworthy.com/best-explanation-of-religion-i-have-ever-heard-and-im-practically-an-atheist

Dear every religious person: Listen to this. This guy is a bishop, and he's better at explaining organized religion as separate from the godhead than almost anyone I have ever heard. Dear every nonreligious person: You will be nodding vigorously and appreciating people like this man so much you'll wish every religious person was like him.

This is why I'm pagan. This is why I have no religion. The godhead - a single god, many gods, a source of energy, the higher self, nature, the universe, however you want to identify with it - has nothing to do with praise, fear, love, hate, organization, community, or what each person does in life. It just exists. It hangs around in its own dimension, formless, genderless, minding its own business, occasionally feeding off the soma of belief from living beings who find it pretty and comforting. It lets those beings shape it into whatever form they can recognize most. And since it is so pretty and comforting, people look to it and embrace it. If it makes them feel good, hooray! But to invent controlling concepts like Heaven and Hell just to scare people into running like children to your arms - born again, as it were, as this man says - is not a good way to explain your belief systems.
I'll say it again, but I believe Neil Gaiman did it best with "American Gods" - the idea that all gods are a sort of Mobius strip, circling back to creating themselves out of the minds of humans until they become real incarnations and sustain themselves on human worship... Except I like to think they originate in dimensions both outside our worlds and within our minds. Not quite panentheism... more like the universe being our own selves.
See? I'm so eclectic I don't want anyone else to "convert" to my belief system. I don't even know how to explain it. This is what happens when I'm raised by an atheist and agnostic both with very open minds.
brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Blood Red Light Pale)
I stretched the hell out of my back and legs and arms. It was lovely. I did it my way. I am very pleased and very satisfied. I won't discuss the various burning barbed wire pains that are distracting me even through the codeine, but I will talk about the beautiful meditative exercises I've been working with. Peaceful, serene, tranquil, calm, relaxing, refreshing, fantastic in multiple ways. The scene always changes, but always appears Zen in some way.
I had mentioned that my human coping mechanisms, my spirit guardians, had begun communicating with each other deep in my brain without my conscious knowledge, which leads me to believe that parts of my brain are starting to come together as part of the story, as my unlimited imagination and writerbrain is starting working on a whole new, amazingly unique, private story all on its own. No wonder I have been working on Amber's story beyond these bits of my brain. Amber has also given me free reign to write her as a fully developed character and not just a created coping mechanism.
In general, I am just... very happy.
And the funny thing is that I am in a depressive episode. I have all the symptoms, and I am quite conscious and aware. But I have things that are helping distract me: Talking about my imagination and my creativity, talking about the triggers for my panic attacks and my simple seizures, talking about comedy TV shows and powerful fiction books. Somehow it all is able to keep the major depression away, although it is a very intense fight. Sometimes I find myself weak and struggling, even physically, as thoughts of worthlessness and hopelessness, frustration and terror, pessimism and guilt all slam into me and my wall and my shell.
I suppose I could say I am happy. I feel happy.
But... what is happiness?
"Happiness is a mental or emotional state of well-being characterized by positive or pleasant emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy." Sure, I feel those things. However, there is a strong undercurrent of the exact opposite.
Brains, man. Brains are wild. Brains are weird. Brains are so complex. One day, I want to have an MRI and see exactly what my brain is doing. I want to sit with multiple brain specialists for hours on end, and just... talk. I want to talk about my brain.
Brains, man.
brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Blood Red Light Pale)
You guys, I amaze myself. I've been writing helter skelter all over the place: Novel, stories, novellas, blogs, facebook, notebooks with various pens, everywhere... in the middle of a postictal migraine and insanely horrific agonizing chronic pain flare-up following recovery from a panic attack. If I didn't have a computer or paper I might write on the walls. I hurt so badly I have no idea what I'm doing. I feel half fire and half water. Wild and raging, and all I want is a crackling bonfire and a rushing river.
I doctored up a photo of myself and it came out half gold light and half blue light. It looks inhuman. But part of me adores it so much. My face is two different parts. I am two entities in one. When I burn, I am cool. When I am cool, I burn. It is ying yang, dragon phoenix, up and down, left and right, I don't even know. I don't speak out loud except to my cats, I just speak through Story. So much Story inside me.
That rock. That rock that my husband gave me, the rock that he held while standing in Room 217 of the Stanley Hotel, in which Stephen King wrote "The Stand" and used as an inspiration for "The Shining". That rock is still next to my laptop. I am covered in words. I am filled up with Words. I may disappear into Story. I may not even see the world until I have to.
Is this what it is like to live in the land of the Fae and then come back to the land of humans?

jowitchzen2

Maybe it was the super moon. Maybe it is the heat from the sun now. Maybe it is anything.
brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Blood Red Light Pale)
Somehow, my neighborhood area rarely gets hit with all the weather that hits everything around it.
Mom called to say, "So, I hear all the towns and cities in Montgomery County got slammed all over with a tornado. Are you okay?"
And I blinked and said, "Wait... tornado? OH. Right! Tornado! No, we just had a violent screaming thunderstorm that sent me panicking into my bedcovers after taking anxiety drugs."
Later, Adam called from his job in Las Vegas (101 degrees, dry heat) and asked how our community area had fared. I told him that it was wet. And fine. Not even a power outage.
I'm starting to think all the magic and psychic shielding that he and I had placed around our house has extended to our community. Or something. Who knows. Like, if trees get knocked down from storms, it's always in the neighborhood next to ours. If a water main breaks, it's one around the corner that doesn't affect us. If there is a local power outage for us, it doesn't last long. If there is a random screaming gunfight, it's far away enough that we're not bothered beyond having to call 911. Any sort of major damage somehow becomes far less damaging once it reaches where I live. Now I just feel weird.
And now I shall knock on every piece of wood in the house. Including the maple tree in front.

I have no idea how the weather will act tomorrow, but I hope to do a little more grocery shopping. It's gotten to the point where I've stopped giving a fuck if I get caught in the rain. It washes my hair for me.
brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Blood Red Light Pale)
bluelotusglow

bluedarklotus

bluelotus4

***
You lift your head to ask if this is a dream. She presses her finger to your lips and smiles. As she gently places the shining blossom into your outstretched hands, she whispers, "This will be safe inside you. Together, you will understand." You want to ask her everything, but you know you mustn't. She kisses your lips and stands tall. Raising her arms, she fades slowly. The air is filled with the scent of the sacred lotus. You press the flower to your breast and it vanishes, sinking inside you. And you begin to understand.
***
You find her in the swamp itself. This time she is wearing faded denim shorts and a sleeveless top, muscled abdomen and arms well exposed, bronze skin glistening. She is knee deep in muddy water, examining each blossom with careful fingers. She looks up at you with bright green eyes and smiles widely. Her hair is blacker than the darkest muddy water, tied back with satin. She looks so young and so old.
"Are you here for another one?" she asks. "Never mind, of course you are. Hold on. I need to find yours." She moves slowly, dipping her hands in up to the wrists until her skin is masked in mud.
"They're sleepy today," she says. "Here, talk. Ask which one wants you and I'll take it."
"Do I have to come into the mud?" you ask, preparing to remove your shoes.
"No, no, just call out. They'll hear you even far away."
You take a deep breath, focus on the flowers floating all around the woman, and say, "Dear blossom, come to me." You aren't sure if that will work. But then the woman nods. She tilts her head one way and the other. She turns around and walks a foot, then slowly bends at the knees and carefully scoops up a richly pink lotus that looks exactly like all the others. She whispers something, and the flower begins to glow. Grinning, the woman walks out of the swamp and holds out the flower. "Perfect!" she says. "Instant connection. Good job."
You cup your hands and she slides your lotus into your hands. There is a small amount of mud; it feels cool and refreshing, with a slight tingling. The lotus shines so brightly that you need to squint, and it disappears into your hands, under your skin.
You blink at the woman. "So that's it?"
She smiles. "Nope. Never. But you're learning more as you go. I'll see you when you're ready to come back. You'll know where I'll be."
You want to ask something, something important. You have forgotten. You just feel blissful. You reach out, and she hugs you tightly, burying her face in your hair. You rest your chin on her shoulder. She smells like lotus and frankincense and pure joy.
"I'll come home soon," you murmur. She just nods. Nothing else needs to be said.
***
The lotus flowers are in full bloom, all of them. You stand naked and waist deep in the swamp, surrounded. The blossoms and glowing gently, swimming around you. Your guide is nowhere. You cannot call out, or speak, or even whisper. You draw in a breath. A small pink petal floats on the air toward you and presses itself on your tongue. No, you think. I must not speak. You are crowded by flowers. Instinct speaks, and you fall back until the lotus flowers catch you. You are floating on a shining bed of full lotus blossoms. You are covered in tingling mud. You open your mouth and light streams from it. A single whole flower lifts and slowly flies to you and settles gently in your mouth. You breathe in very slowly, and the lotus becomes pure energy that pours down your throat like a refreshing drink. You close your eyes. Everything makes sense. You are everywhere. You begin to laugh, but you do not know if it is in your mind or through your mouth.
"There you go!" says a familiar golden voice. "How do you feel now?" You open your eyes. You cannot stop laughing like a child. The Lotus Woman has eyes that cycle through every shade of green, and you find it fascinating. She reaches for you, and you reach for her. She scoops you up and carries you to a heated rock beyond the swamp. There are clothes waiting for you, folded on another rock. The Lotus Woman helps you sit up. She produces a wood brush and slowly combs your hair, letting the bright, bright sun dry the muddy water away. She carefully rubs you down with a towel that feels like silk and cotton. You look at her, finally, and notice that now she is wearing a red sundress that moves like water, with boots polished like mirrors.
She finishes smoothing you down and helps you into undergarments, blue slacks, a red tee shirt, and boots similar to hers.
"We're going to the healing room," she says, "if you'd like. There will be oil massage and saunas and showers of all kinds. Now that you have your next lotus, I think you'll appreciate the new magic."
You just feel so much bliss, so much joy, so much euphoria, that you only nod and smile widely. She taps her finger on your nose. "Now, don't get excited. That'll fade. We need to make sure it doesn't overwhelm you. It's supposed to become part of you, remember?"
Licking your lips and taking a deep breath, you say, "Yes. I'll remember." Your voice sounds like small bells inside your head.
You hold the Lotus Woman's hand and shield your eyes from the sun with your other hand. She is leading you far from the swamp, but it is all right. You will be back soon, of course.
***
It is the way she looks at you, with that quirky smile and those gleaming dark green eyes.
You hold out your cupped hands, trying not to tremble, trying not to disturb the velvety white lotus nestled against your fingers.
"Is this your gift to me?" she asks.
"Yes," you say. "You have helped me so much... and I know you always have these, but I found this one right where I live, and, I mean, I know they're so rare, but..."
She holds up a hand, smiling so widely. "It's okay, sweetheart. I understand." She very carefully takes the lotus from you, holds it to her lips, and kisses the petals. "Thank you. It's perfect."
"Maybe... maybe tomorrow," you say shakily, "we can go to the swamp and... you know... talk to the other flowers?"
She tilts her head and her eyes fill with compassion. "Oh, darling," she murmurs. "Don't be so nervous. There's no need to be shy. This is your world. We will do anything you wish."
You nod, your throat thick with tears. You have no idea what to say next. You realize you don't need to say a word. You watch as she holds your white lotus gift to her breast, and you watch as the lotus turns into golden light, and you watch as the lotus melts into her bronze skin, and you watch as she draws a deep deep breath, exhaling into the sky. Suddenly, you feel a massive weight lifted, spiraling away from the top of your head. Energy fills you starting at your feet and moving in a rush until it reaches the same top of your head. You feel absolute and complete ecstasy, euphoria, tranquility, and serenity. You draw a deep deep breath, exhaling into the sky. You want to laugh, so you laugh. And she laughs with you.
You feel how deeply the universe lives inside you. You laugh, and you embrace everything you can reach, until you feel yourself glowing. You dance and dance, and she takes your hands and joins you, and the universe dances with you.
***
This time, you are standing ankle-deep in a swamp at midnight. Everything is glowing blue - the sky, the water, the lotus flowers, your skin.
The Lotus Woman is sitting in front of you, cross-legged, surrounded by blue and white lotus blossoms all in full bloom. Her bronze skin, her black hair, her green eyes... everything about her is shining with pale blue light.
You feel comforted and serene in a way you have never known at such a deep level. You carefully sit down in the same position, letting the mud flow against you. You and she are both dressed in shorts and sleeveless tops, no shoes, your hair both unbound. The mud sinks effortlessly into your skin.
Neither of you speak. After a few minutes, one lotus blossom floats into your lap, white and blue and covered in dew drops. You very gently pick it up and it dissolves into your skin with an intense burst of blue and white light.
She grins and laughs, clapping her hands. "Oh, yay! I was hoping you would get that one. It's been waiting for you."
You smile and shrug. "I guess I've been waiting too."
The dozens of flowers float and spin around you both, several touching your skin and her skin, merging with you in tiny light bursts that feel like soft winds. She holds out her hands and you reach out and you grasp them tightly.
You don't know how long you sit and meditate, but it doesn't matter. Forever can fit inside a single moment, after all.
The white and blue lotus blossoms swirl around you, lifting your soul, until the entire world is filled with light, and you feel completely at peace, bursting with serenity.
***
brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Blood Red Dragon Witch)
Well, I am still feeling that bizarre euphoric buzzing all over. My brain is sparking all over. Tiny baby neural pathways are weaving and dancing around dead and damaged parts to form brand new tinier baby pathways. I can see them. I can feel them. Blue and purple in all shades. Each with its own sense of emotional self and frequency. Which is the point. I am still feeling symptoms of chronic pain and all. But I am starting to form this conscious communication with the whole consciousness in my body, which I have never done before. This is after just one session of craniosacral therapy with Feldenkrais Method. The therapist said to grab on and hold that feeling for as long as possible, try to direct it, keep communicating, keep listening. No fear, no worry, no fighting, no anger, no judgement, no upset, no anxiety. No judgement. Just let go. Just let be. I am going to do my best.

From now on, whenever someone suggests I try a method they think will work, I will thank them and smile, and it doesn't matter if I never try their method or take their advice. Nothing will matter except listening and communicating and understanding and knowing the inside of myself. Because I've been there. That's where I went during that altered state. Pulsing blood vessels and veins and fibrous tissue and muscles and skin and bones and brain matter and and and everywhere. I can't come back from that without being changed or altered. I'm more ME than I think I have ever been.

I will always have these disabilities. Craniosacral and Feldenkrais therapies will not make them go away. But the therapies will allow me to work with MYSELF, deeply, powerfully, intensely. And that is all I want. I don't care about finding a cure or being fixed anymore. Maybe one day... it will just happen on its own. Just because. I'm not waiting for that day.
I'm just going to live. And communicate. Hello, body. A pleasure to meet you.
brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Blood Red Dragon Witch)
So.
Craniosacral therapy with Feldenkrais Method.
Yeah.
Well.
So.
So, wow. Yeah. Like, WOW. Up to eleven.

It was such an amazing, indescribable thing. There was the usual craniosacral bit, and Peggi was amazing. And then, very suddenly, I... wasn't there anymore. It was not an "out of body" experience. It was an "in body" experience. I still can't find the words. I felt myself inside... inside someplace. Some-me. I was electric. I was a neuron, perhaps? I don't know. I don't KNOW. Peggi spoke, and my eyes snapped open, and for a minute I didn't know where I was. I was groggy, but filled with a weird energy, a crazy intensity. She told me I had entered an altered state of consciousness, that it was normal, that I should just rest. My brain felt... settled. My body felt... settled. Aligned? When Peggi helped me off the table, my pelvis shifted and aligned all on its own and my posture became practically perfect. It felt bizarre. I still had pain, but Peggi said that was normal. She said that the goal was to communicate, to be conscious of my body, to understand my pain and my disabilities rather than fighting. Listen, learn, grow. If my pain asked for a certain drug in my arsenal, a certain supplement, a certain exercise or stretch... I needed to listen.

My synesthesia is still going wild. Colors and sounds are emotional. I need to pull back a little. So much conscious energy. So much power flooding all these parts of me not used to having all this energy and spark. Mom suggested writing everything down and recording the length of time it all lasts. A few days. A week. Two weeks. I plan on seeing Peggi again next month.

So.
So, yeah.
I can't even.

It is not my place to say if it is a good treatment method for anyone else. Maybe, maybe not. You are not me. But all I can say is that whatever Peggi did on this very first treatment did something extraordinary, and I think it really will help in the long run.

http://www.restoremotion.com/PeggiHonig.html
http://www.aebodywork.com/
http://feldenkrais-method.org/en/feldenkrais-method
http://semiorganized.com/articles/other/ReeseDynamic_systems.html

I crave more coffee now. I just... do. Already had chocolate. My body wants what it wants. I shall listen.
brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Blood Red Dragon Witch)
Bookmarked, etcetera.
Copied from http://www.sunnyray.org/Crystals-semiprecious.htm and edited for spelling issues, because I can.

"Amber is a stone of cleansing and purification. It symbolizes the Sun's energy and therefore it is suitable for awakening joy, and stimulating light and warm feelings. Amber attracts love and provokes happiness and pleasure. It is often used as a stone for good luck and protection. It can also be considered as the right stone for gathering strength during rehabilitation and accelerating the process of regeneration after long illnesses.

The color of amber is waxy honey-yellow. It can also be found with bluish, greenish, reddish or brown nuances. Amber is fossilized resin from the family of pine trees, which have died and lost their water millions of years ago. Amber can float on water. It is clear from the above that this stone is not a crystal in the strict sense of the word, it is rather considered to be a mineraloid due to its origin (fossilized tree sap).
Amber is most abundant in the Dominican Republic, Poland, Latvia, Italy, Spain and Mexico.

The magic features of amber were discovered by Thales of Milet, some 2600 years ago. In Greece, the name for yellow amber is electron, and from this the term electricity was derived. The amber necklace is a sort of electricity capacitors, able to auto-charge and recharge and to help the owner get rid of the eventual charge loads or excesses.

Amber represents a spiritual thread that is able to connect the individual energy with the Cosmic energy, as well as the individual soul with the Cosmic soul. Amber symbolizes the Solar, Spiritual, and Divine attractive Power.

The origin of amber gives us hits about its spiritual qualities, which can become obvious if we take a look at trees as entities with roots descending deep into the earth, and branches ascending towards the sky. In spiritual sense, trees connect the earth with the sky by transforming the Sun's energy with help from the mineral kingdom, and at the end deliver energy in form of fruits. Therefore, the life force of the tree can carry, transform and deliver energy.

Similarly, amber is considered to be a medium that grounds the spiritual energy into the physical body for as long as it is necessary in order to be permeated with light. The other direction is also possible: in case of lacking grounding spiritual energy, amber can initiate a feeling of connection to the physical plane.
This somewhat explains why amber is so helpful in eliminating depression. Depression is often accompanied by a feeling of excessive bonding to earthly possessions, or can be caused by a lack of connection to our physical existence and its benefits. Either way, amber can be very efficient.

Amber increases creativity and helps accept the inevitable changes in life. It is an excellent stone for eliminating the self-imposed barriers. It helps build positive attitude in our own abilities. Amber promotes fertility. Many early carvings in amber were devoted to depicting animals that are traditionally considered symbols of fertility: frogs, rabbits and fishes. It is believed to be the first material ever used in ornaments and decorative purposes, and can be also found as talismans and amulets. Many ancient traditions have considered amber to be the stone of universal life force, as it encloses life within.
This gentle stone can draw negative energies out of the body, clean the spirit and heart. It helps us reveal the ancient wisdom and knowledge, enabling the body to heal itself by means of absorbing and transmuting the negative energies into positive, and negative thoughts into positive ones.

It stimulates the intellect, increases mental clarity and transforms the energy of physical vitality into unconditional love. It aligns the energies of the etheric, physical, astral and mental body. Balancing the electro-magnetism of the microcosm, amber brings a steady stream of perfect order that should be applied to the requirements of the physical plane. It calms the nerves, while enabling making right decisions.
It is an excellent detoxification tool and can protect from radiation, especially from x-rays, computers, and other harmful sources of energy. It opens the solar plexus chakra, and strengthens the self-respect. It can be used in rituals for beautification and increasing attractiveness. It can help attract love and stimulate happiness and pleasure.

Amber protects from illnesses, helps diminish pain during childbirth, if placed on the solar plexus it can ease problems with the belly, gall bladder, liver, thymus, it can stop nose bleeds, remove headaches, sore throat, and fevers. Amber also calms the kidneys, teeth (a small piece of amber in the mouth can ease toothache), joints, various bone-related problems, arthritis, and rheumatism.
Amber calms the central nervous system, improves memory, helps in cells regeneration and restores balance.

When put on the skin, it can help with all types of allergies. For pain removal, amber should be put on the affected area. Amber should never be cleaned. It can be charged in sunlight. For self-healing only stones without fossilized insects within should be selected."
brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Blood Red Dragon Witch)
Last night was deeply not fun and very aggravating. I have gotten surprisingly good at typing through the start of seizures and the end of waking from seizures. Facebook is testament. I typed out a whole status post about how I was about to go under. I went under. I came out of it. I typed out a whole status post to say I was okay. I don't actually remember it. Hah.

I remember feeling my head fall back against the back of my leather chair, my whole body sinking down, my mouth falling open. I went inside my brain, and already I was grasping Alicia's hand and we were running. No surroundings, just light and color streaming past. My head was pounding and my legs were burning and I desperately wanted to rest, but her grip was like steel. Her voice echoed: "It's okay; we're almost at the end. You can make it." I began to cry. I whispered, "I want Serena." Alicia said with pure compassion, "She's right at the end. I promise." I focused on her blond hair flying behind her, on her bright blue eyes and the determination glowing in them.
There was an end. Some sort of tunnel, rocky and jagged. Through the opening, I could see a wall made of bronze. A figure was moving toward the opening, and I knew that long long dark hair, those deep green eyes. I flung out my left arm while squeezing Alicia's hand with my right hand - I couldn't let go yet or I would be lost. Serena reached out her right hand, just shy of the force field around the opening. Alicia pushed me far enough to where my arm passed through and I could grab Serena's hand. The women nodded and smiled at each other, and Serena pulled me all the way through and gathered me into a tight embrace. I closed my eyes, opened my mouth to speak, to cry...
My body twitched and jerked. I opened my eyes, feeling my eyelids physically flutter. My neck hurt. My shoulders and back hurt. My head hurt. Everything hurt. I couldn't go back to Serena unless I put myself under again. I let myself cry and weep for a few minutes. It took a while, but I was able to drag myself to the bedroom, where Rose and Jupiter curled up with me and purred me to sleep.
brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Blood Red Dragon Witch)
So, yeah. This is something what happens when you combine mild cerebral palsy with moderate fibromyalgia, temporal lobe epilepsy, and overall neurological damage.
Even after taking all my proper drugs and supplements and exercises, I find that my body is just continuously not happening. Like, literal muscle weakness and fatigue that requires a cane and slow walking and never knowing if things will speed up. I can be chatty and friendly and social to a point, and then get drained. And things still hurt, but in all sorts of different ways that are all uniquely separate. It is...
Hmm...
It is...
See, my body feels loose, but not relaxed. I could fall over easily. My proprioception, my spatial orientation, my depth perception, and my sense of full direction is all shot. I must actively, consciously tell myself to move this way, to move that limb, to watch out for those things over there. My brain folds in on itself, deciding that physical reality is annoying.
Like... last night. I was climbing blindly into bed in the dark, prepared for lovemaking, and the bed felt like a city. Husband had to pull me on top of him and let me know where I actually was in relation to my surroundings. It was trippy and surreal and weird in a... not good, not very bad, just a creepy way. But the orgasms were transdimensional and I was thrilled to separate from my body for a few moments. I think the darkness helped. I didn't know where I was, my entire self felt extreme, and I could release myself without even thinking about the physical. It was very, very tantric and mystical.
Just an example. Sexuality is just one way to breach the chasm between body and soul, blah blah blah, not focusing on body but on spirit, etc.
Hang on, I lost my thoughts...
Ah, yes. Also, the sensation of being in multiple dimensions at once. Oh, that feels fascinating.
I have been feeling like this all day, no matter how social I get and how strong I feel.
brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Blood Red Dragon Witch)
Neat.
(laboradite, lepidolite, charoite, kyanite, amber, lapis lazuli, all the stones that love me.)
http://www.crystalvaults.com/pages/crystal_encyclopedia/labradorite.php
http://www.crystalvaults.com/Natural-Crystals/Medium-Natural-Crystals/110724/
http://www.crystalvaults.com/Shaped-Minerals-and-Crystals/Cabochons/090371/
http://www.crystalvaults.com/Shaped-Minerals-and-Crystals/Wands/880097/
http://www.crystalvaults.com/Jewelry/Pendants/100594/
http://www.crystalvaults.com/Shaped-Minerals-and-Crystals/Cabochons/070395/

Smokey quartz, Serpentine, and Tourmaline have been having strong effects lately, as well.

Pretty rocks are pretty.
Metaphysical properties are subjective, except when they're not, but I don't care, because pretty rocks are pretty.
brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Blood Red Dragon Witch)
Also, we went to the Ranger Surplus in Bethesda. After a long conversation with an employee about cerebral palsy, I wound up with a pair of Army boots that should help stabilize me well enough. And now the employee knows to suggest such boots to people with certain disabilities. I feel as if I made a friend and helped some sort of cause.
Rothco Jungle Boots. Oh damn, these are comfortable. Thank you husband, and thank you awesome employee at Ranger Surplus Bethesda who got into a whole fantastic conversation with me about cerebral palsy and good shoes. (Size 4 men's, which would be a size 6 women's for me. Yup. Awesome.)
A pair of Doc Martens Boots and a pair of Rothco Jungle Boots. Fitted with strong, comfy insoles. Oh, I have never been so excited about lace up military style boots. It is also a great and good challenge for my fine motor coordination issues.

And: Today has been a busy and awesome day so far. Brunch to celebrate my best friend's birthday, with nearly two dozen dear friends I haven't seen in months and years. I drank half a beer, even. It tasted like chocolate and caramel. The pills, including Soma and Klonopin, have helped me be in much less pain and much more social. My friends are amazing. I must socialize more often, truly.

Energy flowing between two people can be so extraordinary that it can energize in fascinating ways. So thank you, Jess, for helping me stay steady and stable in the midst of my own chaos. I hope the charoite pendant I gave you is helping you in as many ways as possible, even charged with my own humming wild fluid chaotic energy. We must absolutely get together again and talk about it all.
I've decided to wear pendants of lepidolite and chaorite together, along with the three lepidolite bracelets and the three charoite rings. They do calm and energize me in fantastically intense ways that I want to explore completely.

Research time, extremely. I must figure out if these bodywide spasms and twitches are due to cerebral palsy hypertonic spasticity, muscle fatigue from either or both cerebral palsy and or fibromyalgia, seizure auras primarily displaying motor and autonomic simple partial seizures, physical coldness, or plain exhaustion. I would consider all of the above, since cerebral palsy and epilepsy love to dance together like whirling dervishes.

I am very drained and tired, but I am still filled with social energy from the parties. I didn't realize that was a thing. My aura things are still buzzing and humming. This is fascinating. I need to analyze it. I had no idea I could be exhausted and still energized in such a specific psychic way.
I guess I must again thank Jess for her calming energy. My energy is always rushing, moving, streaming, even when I am fully tranquil. Something inside me is always moving faster and more intensely than I ever could, and I can rarely catch up with it. I still don't understand what it is.

Dude, magnolia bark makes for awesome sleep, but also for the most insane, bizarre, wild dreams ever. I even remember parts. I can't even begin to describe last night's biggest dream. I barely understood it while I was dreaming and I certainly cannot understand it while awake. After waking up, for about twenty minutes I had absolutely no proprioception and I wondered if I was still dreaming. That was not the fault of the 400 mg of magnolia, though, that was just cerebral palsy insanity. Damn brain damage.

Dear dreams: Please continue to be awesome, but try to tone it down just a little. Maybe some less creepy and grotesque imagery.
brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Makeup)
It starts with Saturday, Imbolc 2013.
See, on Facebook, I ran into the girlfriend of a guy I had been friends with for years but had never honestly had one on one time with. Which is the story of my life, actually: Having all these friends and these acquaintances, and having memories of only parties, large gatherings, where if I wanted to talk with someone alone I had to almost push my way through and schedule a place.
Ben had always been The Dude. He abides. He has always abided. He is friends with so many people. It is understandable. His girlfriend, Jess... I didn't know her. We seemed to have many things in common. After months and months, I finally reached out to message her. And we began talking. And something started happening.
I said, "We really really need to get together. Just us. No parties, no house gatherings. Adam may or may not be home. But no matter what, I want you meet you, in my house." And she agreed, and we made arrangements for Imbolc weekend. Adam was indeed going to be home, so he and I set up for brunch and awaited the arrival of Ben and Jess.
They arrived, and I hugged Jess like an old, lost friend, and looking at her there was this instant knowing, this instant understanding and energy of "Yes, I know you. It has been so many lifetimes. I missed you." I hugged Ben the same way, but with a little less intensity, as I already knew him.
After a magnificent brunch, I gave Jess a tour of the upstairs and showed her my gemstones, and we talked about our spiritualities, our energies... how I am a beacon and she is a generator. And yes, the energy that came from her made my head buzz pleasantly. I realized that several items I'd been keeping hidden had been meant for her, and she was extremely grateful. I had randomly thrown wood brushes, lip balms, skin creams, gemstones, and makeup into a black canvas shoulder bag; I gave her all of it. It turned out that it was all exactly what she needed, even the bag. It had all been intuition and connection. I had known her already. And we talked about knowing people, about how she and Ben had known immediately that they were for each other. We talked about energy, about metaphysics and quantum physics. We talked about getting together again, since they live very close to our neighborhood.
When they left, and the energy was still rushing around the house and my head, I sat and considered. I believe I tend to be a little forceful and intense when establishing a friendship with a person I deeply like. I wanted badly to grab Jess' hands and tell her how deeply I knew her, how intensely we connected. But she knew. It was in her face. She always made eye contact when we talked and she always smiled at me. She glowed.
Later, I messaged her, asking if I did okay, if I wasn't too extreme, if I didn't put my feet in my mouth too much. No, she said, she and Ben had genuinely and honestly had fun and wanted to see me again. And that relaxed me more than I could have realized.

Making friends is so, so, so difficult, because I need to communicate on specific levels before I can actually approach them. Fascinatingly enough, Facebook and Livejournal are among the best things that have happened to me regarding this kind of communication. I need to type out words, ritualistically, deliberately, allowed to pause and stumble and correct. I need to assure myself that there can be a connection when we meet. My family cannot understand, and I know why, and I get that. But I am unable to simply walk up to someone and start a comfortable conversation without feeling an absolute terror of possible rejection so deep that I can hardly speak.

I love fiercely, I love deeply, I love powerfully, I love in ways that seem insistent. I need friends who can do that with me. And yet I will always, always wonder if I am making mistakes, if I am coming off as "too crazy, too weird, too dumb, too whiny, too clingy, too repulsive." I have learned that in the past, people have questioned my relationship with my husband, wondering how he could "put up" with me, if I was truly the right partner for him, if he could even handle me on a constant, consistent basis. I have taught myself to let those comments go, because nobody has any say about my relationship but my partner and myself. However, it really is fascinating and very interesting that people who should know me would assume that I am not good enough to be loved by someone who has so many different ways of living than I do.

Loving me is a hard thing, a wild thing, a weird thing, a deliberate thing, a test of strength and resolve. I am intense and extreme and stubborn and wistful and insane and I am too much inside my own head and quite often not fully aware of my environment. To love me is to live a journey through many worlds. I just want friends who can do that for me. I don't even care if they would badmouth me. These days I have stopped caring about many things.

The heart-breaking problem with online friendships is that meeting in person is usually improbable, or highly difficult. But if I were able, if I had all the money and opportunity, I would find a way too meet all the friends I have made online who I knew could love me the way I needed.

Right now, all I know is that I must see Jess, and Ben, soon. Maybe it will help bring me out of this quantum shell I have constructed around my heart.
brightlotusmoon: (Fae Dragon Alien)
I decided to rearrange my talisman jewelry into what works best: two amber bracelets, honey and lemon, plus a multi-color tourmaline bracelet on the left wrist, and a citrine yellow jade bracelet on the right wrist. Around my neck, a pendant that includes the Ouroboros pendant with the honey amber cabochon, the wand made up of selenite, kyanite, black tourmaline, and copper wrapping, plus tiny beads of green tourmaline and citrine. I feel very balanced and energized now.







I have tiny wrists, so my jeweler friends made all the bracelets in a size 5, which I've been told is normally reserved for children.
My main motive for the gemstone bracelets is to force my brain to be aware of my left side, which is why the left arm has three bracelets. The citrine jade bracelet is heavier, but feels perfect on my right wrist. The yellow and gold stones are all connected by another stone made of tiny citrine stones that sparkle happily. Citrine and yellow jade are both full of positive power and soothing energy.

http://www.shimmerlings.com/gemstones/citrine.htm
http://www.crystalsandjewelry.com/metaphysical_healing/stoneinfo/citrine.html
http://www.jewelsforme.com/citrine-powers.asp
http://www.charmsoflight.com/jade-healing-properties.html
http://www.crystalvaults.com/pages/crystal_encyclopedia/jade.php
http://prosites-slaz.homestead.com/healing_stones_jade_lemon.html

Of course, then there is the Australian crystal opal ring that my mother gave me, and the silver wire-wrapped ring with blue kyanite and lepidolite.
http://www.charmsoflight.com/lepidolite-healing-properties.html
http://www.shimmerlings.com/gemstones/lepidolite.htm
http://www.healing-crystals-for-you.com/lilac-lepidolite.html
http://www.shimmerlings.com/gemstones/kyanite.htm
http://www.healing-crystals-for-you.com/blue-kyanite.html
http://www.charmsoflight.com/kyanite-healing-properties.html

Kyanite and Citrine are the two gemstones that never need cleansing, too.
brightlotusmoon: (Pixie Model 5)


When there is darkness in front of me, there is light at my back, even if I cannot see it. If the darkness surrounds me and melts into me, so does the light, even if I cannot feel it. I always try to find my light, even if I have no idea where to start.

I have been so psychically tired. So fatigued. So exhausted. Today I got a wonderful day-long energy boost from supplements like yerba mate and green coffee extract, containing small amounts of caffeine that were smooth enough to help me without side effects. However, the fatigue and exhaustion were very mental and emotional. Depression is horrid. This will end, with help and remedy and treatment. But it is still horrid, and it will return, and even though I will always stand guard and fight, I get more and more beaten down.

Replenishing myself can be fun, exciting, fascinating, and weird in all manner of ways, since I love all sorts of reclusive nerd and geek activities, certain books and songs and films and and television series that entertain me over and over without boredom or annoyance. I can watch every episode of "Futurama" and "My Little Pony Friendship Is Magic" and "Babylon 5" and "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" and most of "Star Trek Deep Space Nine" and "Firefly", read every Seanan McGuire book, listen to certain songs, watch movies like "Boondock Saints" and "The Princess Bride" and "Serenity" over and over and over until words are cemented into my mind and I am babbling character quotes everywhere.

I am so very relieved for the pharmaceutical pills and supplement pills that I can take every day, plus exercises and meditative techniques that really do help me despite what people think.
I am constantly astounded every time someone says, "Wow, are you still having problems? I thought that treatment was supposed to help already! Why isn't that pill working yet?" Etc. Oh, lovelies. No, those treatments and pills have been working and helping. You just haven't seen how. You can't see inside me. The treatments just aren't working the way you think they should, that's all. They work slowly, they sometimes fail because nothing is perfect, and quite often they need to reroute around my severely damaged brain processing, which desperately needs a special reboot. Maybe hypotherapy, something non-drug to really rewire and reconnect that dying and the dead inside my neurology.
And so my fighting continues, and I wash the psychic blood off so often that I am either raw or glowing.
It echoes my outside a little, the way I care for my skin, the way I wear careful cosmetics. How my distorted body image penetrates so deep that I cannot look at myself to see what others see. But I am trying, my lovelies. I really am. I am always doing my best.

Today, I applied a nail polish called Sally Hansen Nailgrowth Miracle Nail Polish in Divine Wine. Love it. Divine Wine is a dark, dark wine red, more red than wine. Ruby or crimson or pomegranate red. Very shiny, fairly shimmery. Plus, the varnish itself actually contains nail-strengthening ingredients, like biotin and keratin and peptides and chondroitin, so it could essentially help nails grow stronger and quicker, which is awesome. This pleases me.
My fingers look bloody and gorgeous. The color reminds me very much of a darker version of Sally Hansen MoistureTwist Lip Gloss in Cherry Twist. Or maybe It Cosmetics Vitality Lip Flush in Pretty Woman, which is a very deep, dark bloody cherry brownish berry red, which I am wearing in most of my profile photos.
A nice bing cherry red with slight gold shimmer. Dark red like cherries or pomegranates or movie blood or maybe really dark red wine, not purple but maybe with brown and pink undertones.
The varnish got all over my cuticles and I look like a baby vampire who got too excited with a first feed. There are streaks of colors on my left palm and thumb and index finger ad my right pinky finger, and it's sort of deep pinkish red with tiny sparkles.
I cannot stop staring at my fingers. So shimmery. So red. I want to drink pomegranate juice mixed with wine. I want to cover myself with healing energy, defensive energy, all the power I can find, the colors of the elements and blood and the sky and magic and the universe itself.

And so, I am a warrior princess pixie dragon girl who will always be around when someone needs help or advice. I will always lend a hand, a shoulder, a spear, a sword, a shield, a flame, a cane, a crutch, a pair of wings. I will never stop. It is what I do. It is what I am.



brightlotusmoon: (Default)
Well, gods damn son of a wild cat.
I stepped outside, stared at the moon, opened wide my mind and my arms, and got blasted by a wave of energy that surged through my entire body and brain for over a minute before spiraling into the soil under my feet. My head and torso actually snapped backward without my control.
What the hells do I do with that now? My skin is almost electric, and I am not sure I can describe what is happening inside my head.
Things hurt and do not hurt simultaneously. Everything is all wibbly-wobbly.
I need time to process this.
I am totally fine, just full of a weird witchy wibbly wobbly weirdness.
It feels like a wild creature crawling around and investigating all my systems.
Magic is funny like that.

Okay. I have meditated, grounded, and stored.
I went out barefoot into the dirt near the front yard's maple tree with pentacles embedded in its Y branches by Adam and me when we first moved in in 2005. I held my hands out to the tree while watching the moon, and I gathered energy, letting the tree wrap its own power around me, and I cycled it back, boosted by the pentacles in the tree, my ouroboros pentacle pendant with amber in the pentacle's center, and my amber bracelet on my weak left wrist. The power of a tree circled around my wrist, calming the tiny muscle spasms. I thanked the tree and went back inside to the back of the house.
I went out back near the garden for a clearer view of the blue moon, my toes digging into the long grass. I took a long breath and recited a private unrehearsed incantation, asking the moon to grant me strength, confidence, magic, love, kindness, and wisdom.
The magic electric wild creature has calmed down and is now quietly exploring my body and mind for a place to curl up. What a fascinating thing!
brightlotusmoon: (Default)
Well, hello, Pain Level 7. You want me to lie down and cry, don't you? I will think about it.

And, wonderfully, I still have a good pile of Spears left. I can probably move my bedtime to midnight and use some of those Spears to lightly exercise, or write, or read. The Pain Monsters of sleep are coming close enough to attack with Spears anyway.
(The origin of my alternative to The Spoon Theory: http://brightrosefox.livejournal.com/1520669.html)
Spoons say, "I have only THIS MUCH reservoir energy and strength for this one day, and once it is gone that is it! Poor me, I'm too weak to make it to tomorrow."
Spears and weapons say, "Okay, motherfuckers, I'm going to take the day as much as I can, I am going to run and attack and defend until I'm drained and exhausted, and then I'm going to crawl, and then I'm going to ask someone to carry me, and when I am finally done, then I will collapse willingly. CHARGE."
It's the Boadicea method of dealing with illness. Probably why Enya's "Boadicea" is a favorite song of mine.

I need to return to the Container Store for more little pill containers. I've got one in my purse with meclizine, clonazepam, tramadol, chlorpheniramine, and bismuth subsalicylate, for Those Moments while traveling. Plus a tiny water bottle, although the tablets are easy to dry swallow. But more tiny containers are always good, and it satisfies the OCD for a while.
Organizing must happen. Sure, my bedroom and TV room are a mess, but it's an organized mess. I know where everything is in my mess. Those supplement bottles are on that specific dresser for a reason! Because! Reason! No, I will not shift them around, they're fine where they are!

So, I made plans to take the bus, or possibly walk the ten minutes, to Wendy's for a Son Of Baconator burger. And then walk back or bus if the weather is decent. Is it sad or weird or good that I think it would be a triumph?

"The cybernetic oracle. The ultimate man-machine hybrid. Programmed with every crime ever recorded and implanted with the brain cells of history's greatest detectives. We call him... Pickles."
"On account of it's like he's floating in a jar?"
"Exactly."

Dear Futurama: Please continue to make me laugh no matter what. I will even forgive you for the episode 'Attack Of The Killer App' if you continue to make me love you.

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