The light everywhere

[brightlotusmoon]

When there is darkness in front of me, there is light at my back, even if I cannot see it. If the darkness surrounds me and melts into me, so does the light, even if I cannot feel it. I always try to find my light, even if I have no idea where to start.

I have been so psychically tired. So fatigued. So exhausted. Today I got a wonderful day-long energy boost from supplements like yerba mate and green coffee extract, containing small amounts of caffeine that were smooth enough to help me without side effects. However, the fatigue and exhaustion were very mental and emotional. Depression is horrid. This will end, with help and remedy and treatment. But it is still horrid, and it will return, and even though I will always stand guard and fight, I get more and more beaten down.

Replenishing myself can be fun, exciting, fascinating, and weird in all manner of ways, since I love all sorts of reclusive nerd and geek activities, certain books and songs and films and and television series that entertain me over and over without boredom or annoyance. I can watch every episode of "Futurama" and "My Little Pony Friendship Is Magic" and "Babylon 5" and "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" and most of "Star Trek Deep Space Nine" and "Firefly", read every Seanan McGuire book, listen to certain songs, watch movies like "Boondock Saints" and "The Princess Bride" and "Serenity" over and over and over until words are cemented into my mind and I am babbling character quotes everywhere.

I am so very relieved for the pharmaceutical pills and supplement pills that I can take every day, plus exercises and meditative techniques that really do help me despite what people think.
I am constantly astounded every time someone says, "Wow, are you still having problems? I thought that treatment was supposed to help already! Why isn't that pill working yet?" Etc. Oh, lovelies. No, those treatments and pills have been working and helping. You just haven't seen how. You can't see inside me. The treatments just aren't working the way you think they should, that's all. They work slowly, they sometimes fail because nothing is perfect, and quite often they need to reroute around my severely damaged brain processing, which desperately needs a special reboot. Maybe hypotherapy, something non-drug to really rewire and reconnect that dying and the dead inside my neurology.
And so my fighting continues, and I wash the psychic blood off so often that I am either raw or glowing.
It echoes my outside a little, the way I care for my skin, the way I wear careful cosmetics. How my distorted body image penetrates so deep that I cannot look at myself to see what others see. But I am trying, my lovelies. I really am. I am always doing my best.

Today, I applied a nail polish called Sally Hansen Nailgrowth Miracle Nail Polish in Divine Wine. Love it. Divine Wine is a dark, dark wine red, more red than wine. Ruby or crimson or pomegranate red. Very shiny, fairly shimmery. Plus, the varnish itself actually contains nail-strengthening ingredients, like biotin and keratin and peptides and chondroitin, so it could essentially help nails grow stronger and quicker, which is awesome. This pleases me.
My fingers look bloody and gorgeous. The color reminds me very much of a darker version of Sally Hansen MoistureTwist Lip Gloss in Cherry Twist. Or maybe It Cosmetics Vitality Lip Flush in Pretty Woman, which is a very deep, dark bloody cherry brownish berry red, which I am wearing in most of my profile photos.
A nice bing cherry red with slight gold shimmer. Dark red like cherries or pomegranates or movie blood or maybe really dark red wine, not purple but maybe with brown and pink undertones.
The varnish got all over my cuticles and I look like a baby vampire who got too excited with a first feed. There are streaks of colors on my left palm and thumb and index finger ad my right pinky finger, and it's sort of deep pinkish red with tiny sparkles.
I cannot stop staring at my fingers. So shimmery. So red. I want to drink pomegranate juice mixed with wine. I want to cover myself with healing energy, defensive energy, all the power I can find, the colors of the elements and blood and the sky and magic and the universe itself.

And so, I am a warrior princess pixie dragon girl who will always be around when someone needs help or advice. I will always lend a hand, a shoulder, a spear, a sword, a shield, a flame, a cane, a crutch, a pair of wings. I will never stop. It is what I do. It is what I am.

Comments

[suzanna-o.livejournal.com]

Keep on shining.