Diamond Steel Rose Lotus Shiny

[brightlotusmoon]

I kind of feel like throwing a tantrum and whining. You know, "Why meee? I don't wanna hurt like this! Make it stooop! I'm so tiiired!"
But part of growing up and growing wise is learning to understand how far you can raise your limits.
If there is one platitude I will forever hate, it is the "You have no limits, they are all just in in your mind" bullshit. I certainly do have my limitations. I just have to keep pushing them more and more so it takes more strength to reach them, and along the way I slowly grow stronger in my own way. Once I reach those limits, I exhaust myself, then I rest, and then I push the limits even more, because it's a goal, like climbing a mountain. I don't "push past my limits" - I push my limits beyond so I can keep reaching for them.
Just because I have my limits does not mean I can't surpass them. They will always be there, but the farther away they are, the stronger I become as I work toward them.
But I do allow myself the occasional stomping and screaming and getting angry at the pain along the way, because Dealing With It tends to get very old and very exhausting. Being told to slap on a metaphorical bandage and walk it off makes me snarl and growl. Being told to use the pain as a focus makes me determined. My pain can be a weapon in a way.
I have held these powerful masks and walls in place all my life, and eventually I must let them all come crashing down, and I have no idea what will happen then, I just know it will not be pleasant or good at all. I refuse to bow or bend to anyone else's ideas of what it means to push through pain, but I will absolutely work with my own views. If I bend, I won't break. But even if I do break, I will put myself back together. I am a Diamond. I am Steel. I am a Rose. I am a Lotus. I am fragile and powerful and You Can't Tell Me What To Do. Unless I like what you're telling me. Then I will be happy with your advice and your views. But do not ever tell me what I cannot do for myself, because You Are Not Me. I Am Not You. One Person Is Not Another Person. Here, let us trade shoes and figure out what it is really like.
I am full of love right now, I am shining so intensely that I can barely see past my own soul. Who wants some Love? Who wants some Shiny Love? Seriously, I am radiating energy and power so insanely that all three cats are staring at me, all purring, and I can actually sense all the trees in the neighborhood bending slowly toward my house. I have no idea what any of this means, but I do know that I am full of a powerful thing that I cannot explain in words. I will do my best to help you Shine and Feel Loved as I sit here, by myself, with my cats and my toys and my books and my medicines. I am made of stars, just like you. We are the universe exploring its own imagination.
It's All Good.

Comments

[unico-love.livejournal.com]

Before I have only really felt this way about my mental illnesses and weight, but with these severe daily migraines and associated severe vertigo I feel like I'm finally starting to understand what you and my fellow chronic physical illness sufferers have to deal with and it's AWFUL! I have a newfound respect for you going about your daily life as normal despite all the pain and suffering you have to deal with. Today I told Michael the vertigo was making me feel suicidal. Thank God extra Valium was enough to make the vertigo improve for now! I have a bad headache again, but I prefer that!

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

Just keep in mind that you really are strong enough and you really can get through it, even on the most awful, horrible days! A good friend told me, "Nothing here will kill you and sooner or later it will pass." I use that as a mantra whenever I experience migraines and vertigo, because when I am in the middle of a dizzying migraine, it is my whole world and it feels like forever. I need to repeat, over and over, that I am strong and that I will move through this, I will move past this, and it will end, and I will have relief, no matter how long it takes. It is very scary when it's happening. But I desperately cling to that mantra that it will be over soon - even if "soon" means hours later.

Everything else is completely personal and individual! Whatever you find that works for you, you should definitely stay with.

I have discovered that a cheap way to help with migraines is to take Aleve or Advil with Benadryl together, which is basically the ingredients in some expensive prescription migraine drugs. It may or may not work for you! Meclizine is essentially an anti-histamine, so it makes sense.

[unico-love.livejournal.com]

Thank you for the support! I was just getting very discouraged since the ER trip didn't help much and taking the medications from the GP and ER doctors as prescribed don't really help.

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

ER trips are never very productive. :)

When I went there for acute bronchitis that caused a grand mal seizure, the only reason I was admitted quickly was because I had the seizure, not the bronchitis.

When I fractured one of my toes, I waited in the ER for four hours. A doctor came in and gave me a special boot and he seemed really impatient.
There was a woman in a wheelchair who kept sobbing for help and she fell out of the chair several times. She had a black trash bag to vomit in, and she was crying that she peed herself, and the most the orderlies did was give her a fresh bag and put her back in the chair. The ER was really crowded that night.

The best I was ever treated was when I had what I assumed was strep throat. I took a cab to the hospital because no one was around to drive me. They put me up in the pediatric ward! They were so, so sweet. My tests revealed a severe UTI that was heading for my kidneys, and everyone was so worried that they put me on strong antibiotics right away.

When Adam broke his left arm over a decade ago, he sat in the waiting room for five hours without any painkillers. When they gave him morphine, it didn't kill the pain, it just made him not want to hurt the doctors - he had already physically grabbed one of them in anger! The next time he went was for severe gastroenteritis (mistakenly called stomach flu) and the only reason he was admitted quickly was because his nose blend when he vomited. He got much better treatment for the same illness at Kaiser Permanente Urgent Care than he ever got an at ER!

Then again, our local hospital, Shady Grove, aka Shady Grave, had a long history of not meeting standards. Even when Adam's mother had breast cancer and they treated her perfectly, once she was in a recovery room the nurses kind of ignored her until it was really bad.

Just remember that everyone in the ER is constantly rushing around and that even if you feel very discouraged, breathe and keep calm. :)

[unico-love.livejournal.com]

Actually I was seen very quickly and it wasn't crowded at all. The doctor and nurse were pleasant and I had a private room. It just didn't help the vertigo/nausea much. So it could have been much worse! I guess the fact that I usually *am* treated nicely in the emergency room is why I found it discouraging... Like there is no hope if they couldn't help me. I decided not to go to urgent care/convenient care because that tends to be a way longer wait where I live and I figured they'd want to do a brain scan due to the seizure-like activity and chronic migraines and vertigo. Which I would need to be sent to the hospital for, anyways. But when I am given Zofran or Morphine for nausea or pain, oh is it a relief! Fortunately morphine works well for me. When I was 4 years old, though, I broke my arm and we waited in the ER for 3 hours and the doctor snapped my arm back into place without giving me anesthesia to first numb the area. Then the hospital charged my parents for anesthesia! That made my mother really angry. My broken arm was one of the early tip-offs something was up with me (autism) because even though my arm was bent at a 90 degree incorrect angle I didn't cry or seem upset. I never did as a child. I'd simply lay down and that's how my mother would know I was sick.

[phoenixsansfyr.livejournal.com]

Not all ERs are bad :( The one that I received terrible treatment at involved my having a really obviously broken collarbone and not getting pain meds for hours (I was BEGGING for Tylenol), and then being told that 1mg of dilaudid was all I was getting because they were worried about my vitals (which were fine) and there was no way I was in that much pain (because crying uncontrollably because you've just broken a major bone doesn't indicate pain at all). The fact that I was a medic didn't even help - they flat out told me I was a drug seeker. With a collarbone so broken that I HAD to have surgery!

If possible, go to Urgent Care for most things unless it really truly is an emergency. The system is so flooded with people using the ER as a doctor's office that you will get better treatment at urgent care. The docs are stretched very thin in an ER. :( If you guys have any free-standing ERs up there (the group we're partnered with, HCA, just opened their third stand-alone ER), then you'll get awesome care at one of those, with all the bang for your buck that an ER has with less of the wait and better overall treatment. I'm actually one of the permanently stationed crews at the newest ER because it's in a rural part of the area, so we always have someone on hand to ambulance patients in if their emergency requires admission at a sister hospital.

Sadly, I work in healthcare and the healthcare system sucks major ass. I go to one of two ERs if I need anything - one because I know the docs personally, the other because I know the docs and nurses very personally, and that gives me a little bit of pull, because I work in the same industry. And that's disgusting.

Any time you go to the hospital, make sure friends/family check in on you who can and WILL advocate for you. No one available to advocate and you will slip through the cracks :(

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

Oh, I know, I know - I never meant to sound so bitter. :) It's just my experience at this one hospital that was infamous for being, well, awful. :p

I'd much rather go to Urgent Care than Shady Grove even if Shady Grove is the closest ER to me. In fact, apparently Shady Grove no longer has an Urgent Care section, which is why most of those nurses transferred to Kaiser. I kind of wish I had Kaiser insurance, but at least my husband does.

Although, Montgomery General in Olney is awesome, even if it is ten to twenty minutes away. Adam and I even have handwritten cards in our wallets that say, "If you find me in a real emergency, please take me to Montgomery General Hospital in Olney." That's how much we don't like Shady Grove Hospital. :(

I'm currently researching Urgent Care clinics near me that are no Kaiser, because I don't know if Kaiser will accept non-Kaiser insurance...

[phoenixsansfyr.livejournal.com]

Kaiser is a raging bitch and does NOT accept non-Kaiser insurance. They're mean like that. They'll still treat you, but for a hefty price.

Montgomery County takes care of its own :) My grandparents are in Silver Spring, so I have had the fun of experiencing that second-hand.

The only problem with your handwritten card is that in a legit, true-blue emergency, if Shady Grove offers the same services that MG does, and is closer, EMS has to take you to the closest, most appropriate facility for what you're presenting with :( You do have the right to choose where you're treated, but if you're not conscious and it's a get this done now emergency, where five minutes versus twenty means a significant difference in outcome, you're way more likely to end up at Shady Grove. Which sucks. Make sure all your ICE contacts know your preferred hospital, too!

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

Yeah, that's what I thought. My best friend used to work in health insurance, and Kaiser really was a raging bitch to her. At least Adam's doctors are nice - we haven't gotten a mean one yet.

Yeah, Montgomery is fantastic. We went there when Adam got severe hives after taking a specific NSAID, and they treated us so well!

Ahh, good point. I shall absolutely make sure all my ICE contacts know I'd prefer Montgomery.
A few years ago, I was rushed to GWU hospital because I got a concussion with a possible broken nose at work when I worked in downtown DC. I was a law firm's library assistant, and everyone who worked there was super worried, for one because I was kind of beloved, and for two because they're a law firm. ;)
GWU was pretty cool, too. My MRI there showed the damage from the periventricular leukomalacia, and the doctor came back to my bed and said "Well, you have a very fascinating brain!" The nurses would joke with me until I started feeling better.
Also, I have a question: Is keeping a concussed person awake a myth at this point? In the ambulance I was talking with an EMT and he told me to stay awake but I really wanted to sleep. I had read an article that completely disproved the concept of making sure people with concussions don't fall asleep lest they don't wake up.

[phoenixsansfyr.livejournal.com]

GWU is very nice, but I'm biased from attending programs there!

See... The bit about 'a concussed person might not wake up' is something that I never really bought into. What makes more sense to me is that you can tell degree of damage to the brain by keeping the person awake and talking - if I have a patient with a possible concussion, and I suddenly start seeing them exhibiting a droop or slurred speech, or their pupils no longer react the same to light, or they start puking... That indicates damage to different regions of the brain, and will affect what I do and where we go with the patient. Anything going into an ER I want to keep the patient awake for the trip if I can because that's the best way to judge any changes in their overall condition. If someone was up and talking to me, but slow to respond, and ends up falling asleep and my bottom-of-the-barrel painful stimuli don't wake them up, then I'd be concerned about brain stem damage and we'd go to a neuro center immediately. Not all concussions need to go to a neuro center; as long as they go somewhere that has MRI and CT capabilities, you can rule out bleeding on the brain. If you're not acting right or something changes, I don't care, we're going for a 24/7 neuro consult. All hospitals have neuro consult over the phone, but an actual neuro center has neuro there most of the time to provide better care.

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

That is what I thought. Thanks for clarifying!

And hey, I did find an urgent care place near me! http://www.myphysiciansnow.com/index.htm

[phoenixsansfyr.livejournal.com]

Glad to help :) And that's more what my background in Biology and extensive medical studies has me thinking... I'm sure our protocols are outdated and say "OH NOES KEEP AWAKE MAY DIE". Medicine is, after all, an art moreso than a science.

That's awesome! I'm not seeing anything anywhere that marks them as a crappy doc-in-a-box, so even better :)

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

Well, that's why medicine is a "practice" as well! Heh.

Oh, good, because they're less than 15 minutes from my house and near our dentist! And I can take a bus if I'm up to taking a bus and if no one can drive me. I have a MetroAccess ID card so my rides are free.

[phoenixsansfyr.livejournal.com]

Awesome :)

(also, it trips me out hearing you talking about places that I know from being up in the area with family, kinda like I know it trips you out when I mention the Georgetown here in Texas. I'm always all "OH HEY I know what she's talking about!")

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

LOL, yeah! I was like, "Wait, Silver Spring?? My best friends live there OMG." I kind of think that at any minute you're going to turn up in Gaithersburg after being at GWU.

Technically I live next to Derwood, which is part of Rockville, but our post office is in Gaithersburg, which is weird, because the Derwood post office is right down the street. Within walking distance.
I'm closer to Shady Grove Road in Rockville than I am) to, say, Montgomery Village in Gaithersburg.
Adam and I used to live with his parents in Derwood, and we found our townhouse literally down a few roads, beyond the Redmill shopping center, where Adam's first girlfriend used to live in high school.
So the Kentlands is on the other side of everything whole Rockville Pike is right over there. I find that funny.

[phoenixsansfyr.livejournal.com]

My mom lived right over the Rockville Pike right after she moved out, worked in one of the gaudy as shit postmodern buildings just outside the Chevy Chase area. The grandparents are currently not far off from Aspen Hill, the NE side of Georgia Ave. Too cool! May have been in your actual neck of the woods when you have been more than once then :)

It's so dumb - our post office is ten minutes down the road, but the one CLOSEST is five minutes! I never will understand the USPS.