Diamond Steel Rose Lotus Shiny

[brightlotusmoon]

I kind of feel like throwing a tantrum and whining. You know, "Why meee? I don't wanna hurt like this! Make it stooop! I'm so tiiired!"
But part of growing up and growing wise is learning to understand how far you can raise your limits.
If there is one platitude I will forever hate, it is the "You have no limits, they are all just in in your mind" bullshit. I certainly do have my limitations. I just have to keep pushing them more and more so it takes more strength to reach them, and along the way I slowly grow stronger in my own way. Once I reach those limits, I exhaust myself, then I rest, and then I push the limits even more, because it's a goal, like climbing a mountain. I don't "push past my limits" - I push my limits beyond so I can keep reaching for them.
Just because I have my limits does not mean I can't surpass them. They will always be there, but the farther away they are, the stronger I become as I work toward them.
But I do allow myself the occasional stomping and screaming and getting angry at the pain along the way, because Dealing With It tends to get very old and very exhausting. Being told to slap on a metaphorical bandage and walk it off makes me snarl and growl. Being told to use the pain as a focus makes me determined. My pain can be a weapon in a way.
I have held these powerful masks and walls in place all my life, and eventually I must let them all come crashing down, and I have no idea what will happen then, I just know it will not be pleasant or good at all. I refuse to bow or bend to anyone else's ideas of what it means to push through pain, but I will absolutely work with my own views. If I bend, I won't break. But even if I do break, I will put myself back together. I am a Diamond. I am Steel. I am a Rose. I am a Lotus. I am fragile and powerful and You Can't Tell Me What To Do. Unless I like what you're telling me. Then I will be happy with your advice and your views. But do not ever tell me what I cannot do for myself, because You Are Not Me. I Am Not You. One Person Is Not Another Person. Here, let us trade shoes and figure out what it is really like.
I am full of love right now, I am shining so intensely that I can barely see past my own soul. Who wants some Love? Who wants some Shiny Love? Seriously, I am radiating energy and power so insanely that all three cats are staring at me, all purring, and I can actually sense all the trees in the neighborhood bending slowly toward my house. I have no idea what any of this means, but I do know that I am full of a powerful thing that I cannot explain in words. I will do my best to help you Shine and Feel Loved as I sit here, by myself, with my cats and my toys and my books and my medicines. I am made of stars, just like you. We are the universe exploring its own imagination.
It's All Good.

Comments

[unico-love.livejournal.com]

Actually I was seen very quickly and it wasn't crowded at all. The doctor and nurse were pleasant and I had a private room. It just didn't help the vertigo/nausea much. So it could have been much worse! I guess the fact that I usually *am* treated nicely in the emergency room is why I found it discouraging... Like there is no hope if they couldn't help me. I decided not to go to urgent care/convenient care because that tends to be a way longer wait where I live and I figured they'd want to do a brain scan due to the seizure-like activity and chronic migraines and vertigo. Which I would need to be sent to the hospital for, anyways. But when I am given Zofran or Morphine for nausea or pain, oh is it a relief! Fortunately morphine works well for me. When I was 4 years old, though, I broke my arm and we waited in the ER for 3 hours and the doctor snapped my arm back into place without giving me anesthesia to first numb the area. Then the hospital charged my parents for anesthesia! That made my mother really angry. My broken arm was one of the early tip-offs something was up with me (autism) because even though my arm was bent at a 90 degree incorrect angle I didn't cry or seem upset. I never did as a child. I'd simply lay down and that's how my mother would know I was sick.