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Can someone hold my sanity for me?
Mar. 7th, 2005 01:04 pmTo ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
odilla (and pretty much anyone else in Maryland and Virginia: Would I be able to ask for your help in getting my dress fixed up? We'd have to meet someplace, obviously. I've been searching online for places in Rockville and Gaithersburg, only I'm not exactly sure what to look for. The dress is very simple, and formfitting; all it needs is to be shortened by at least five or six inches, have the waist and bust taken in about two inches, the straps need to be shortened or tightened, and probably a couple other things I can't think of right now. The material is pretty sheer and seems rather daunting for Charlotte's mother, who's out of practice.
I'm still looking for shoes. I found a simple pair of dyeable pumps on Amazon, but Mom is suggesting that I get something with better ankle support. Problem is, I can't find any boots I like, except the Ronnie Satin Boots and I'm not sure how well I'll hold up in that heel. I may wind up getting both the Iliana and the Ronnie -- I could always use a good dyaeble pair of both pumps and boots for most occasions.
I'm also starting to lose my already very slippery grip on that emotional safety rope I've been tightening around my waist.
Adam let me drive home a little bit yesterday, just down the road, barely half a mile, but by the end of it I was sobbing hysterically. I did fine, I really did, I swear. I was going almost forty and held the wheel right and tapped the brakes right and everything. But it was the turns that shook me -- I couldn't perceive where I was on the road. I couldn't tell if I was safely on my side of the dividing line. Adam kept his hand lightly on the wheel and helped me steer but I was frozen and shaking and gasping and when the SUV behind us honked, I almost lost it. Adam helped me pull over and we switched and he drove the rest of the way, which, to be honest, was literally two turns down the road. But I had locked up and panicked and I just... I couldn't. I knew I could, but, you know, fear. It wasn't the driving part, it was the turning part. It was watching out for the other cars. It was knowing my place on the road. I kept crying, "But there's other cars, there's other cars" and he kept saying "Yes, there are other cars, there will be other cars, you get used to it."
I scheduled my six hours of driving with an instructor from my driving school. He works specifically with people who have disabilities, phobias, anxiety issues, and problems. Three Sundays -- the 20th, the 27th, and the 3rd. And between that, I will ask family and friends to help. I need to get over the fear. That panic episode actually did not make me want to back off and never do it again -- just made me realize how much I need and want this. Practice. Overcoming. Face the fear. That kind of thing. I really had not expected to panic like that. I thought I'd be okay. Just... the cars. And the car -- Adam's car -- it seemed so big. And I was so small.
You know?
Yeah.
And we still have to confront Libby and tell her what we want, and I am expecting disappontment and denial and confusion of course -- because she really doesn't think we are pagan or that we want pagan things, and that may be the biggest hurdle. I'll have to gently explain that my parents are atheist. I was raised agnostic. I became pagan because I wanted to understand my powers in magic and to feel closer to nature and spirituality without following rules or doctrines. Jewish traditions are so oddly strict on some things, and I don't want that. I don't want to pledge marriage vows before a god or a religion that I don't follow.
I'm going to have to do some serious meditation before we do this.
I'm going to place my sanity in a crystal bowl covered in diamonds with a lid made of hematite. That way it won't shatter so easily. It'll be protected.
odilla (and pretty much anyone else in Maryland and Virginia: Would I be able to ask for your help in getting my dress fixed up? We'd have to meet someplace, obviously. I've been searching online for places in Rockville and Gaithersburg, only I'm not exactly sure what to look for. The dress is very simple, and formfitting; all it needs is to be shortened by at least five or six inches, have the waist and bust taken in about two inches, the straps need to be shortened or tightened, and probably a couple other things I can't think of right now. The material is pretty sheer and seems rather daunting for Charlotte's mother, who's out of practice. I'm still looking for shoes. I found a simple pair of dyeable pumps on Amazon, but Mom is suggesting that I get something with better ankle support. Problem is, I can't find any boots I like, except the Ronnie Satin Boots and I'm not sure how well I'll hold up in that heel. I may wind up getting both the Iliana and the Ronnie -- I could always use a good dyaeble pair of both pumps and boots for most occasions.
I'm also starting to lose my already very slippery grip on that emotional safety rope I've been tightening around my waist.
Adam let me drive home a little bit yesterday, just down the road, barely half a mile, but by the end of it I was sobbing hysterically. I did fine, I really did, I swear. I was going almost forty and held the wheel right and tapped the brakes right and everything. But it was the turns that shook me -- I couldn't perceive where I was on the road. I couldn't tell if I was safely on my side of the dividing line. Adam kept his hand lightly on the wheel and helped me steer but I was frozen and shaking and gasping and when the SUV behind us honked, I almost lost it. Adam helped me pull over and we switched and he drove the rest of the way, which, to be honest, was literally two turns down the road. But I had locked up and panicked and I just... I couldn't. I knew I could, but, you know, fear. It wasn't the driving part, it was the turning part. It was watching out for the other cars. It was knowing my place on the road. I kept crying, "But there's other cars, there's other cars" and he kept saying "Yes, there are other cars, there will be other cars, you get used to it."
I scheduled my six hours of driving with an instructor from my driving school. He works specifically with people who have disabilities, phobias, anxiety issues, and problems. Three Sundays -- the 20th, the 27th, and the 3rd. And between that, I will ask family and friends to help. I need to get over the fear. That panic episode actually did not make me want to back off and never do it again -- just made me realize how much I need and want this. Practice. Overcoming. Face the fear. That kind of thing. I really had not expected to panic like that. I thought I'd be okay. Just... the cars. And the car -- Adam's car -- it seemed so big. And I was so small.
You know?
Yeah.
And we still have to confront Libby and tell her what we want, and I am expecting disappontment and denial and confusion of course -- because she really doesn't think we are pagan or that we want pagan things, and that may be the biggest hurdle. I'll have to gently explain that my parents are atheist. I was raised agnostic. I became pagan because I wanted to understand my powers in magic and to feel closer to nature and spirituality without following rules or doctrines. Jewish traditions are so oddly strict on some things, and I don't want that. I don't want to pledge marriage vows before a god or a religion that I don't follow.
I'm going to have to do some serious meditation before we do this.
I'm going to place my sanity in a crystal bowl covered in diamonds with a lid made of hematite. That way it won't shatter so easily. It'll be protected.
