Mmmm.

One of these days, I'm going to take a Soma pill when the house is full of friends, and see what happens. I bet I start cuddling kitten-like with every single person, begging for massages and being the most amusing entertainment for the day. I'll most likely start babbling and not shut up, which to some might be a welcome change. I do have a wellspring of ideas and information, and a case of pathological shyness. Hah hah, universe.

Also, exercising in a wheelchair is fun. I still can't believe someone just left this thing lying around the neighborhood. Whee!

Caffeine tales

I brewed half a pot of coffee using four tablespoons from a sample bag of 7-11 Fusion Energy Coffee. I remember when Adam bought it to see if Billy might like it, since Billy loves 7-11 coffee, and is so tolerant to caffeine that he can drink several pots of coffee without feeling a buzz. The little packet was still sitting unopened, so what the hell, I opened it and brewed six ounces.
I took a 12-ounce glass, added ice, two tablespoons of sugar, some cinnamon, and a few ounces of milk. Then I filled it up the rest of the way with the coffee. On its own, the coffee actually tastes sweet. It's got yerba mate, guarana, and ginseng. Combine that with caffeine, and the energy boost would probably be insane.
However, that's not actually true. I feel veryveryvery awake and energized, but not insanely. I also feel focused and happy and full of stamina. Which for a fibromyalgia sufferer, is a fantastic thing.
It's good coffee, too.

Also, this is very bizarre and I'm not sure what to think of it. I've never heard of it before. But the idea isn't new. Yerba Mate is one of those stimulating herbs that's actually medicinal, and has been used in lots of products and for centuries. Hell, I take it in capsule form five mornings a week along with Maca. It saves me money because I have no desire to stop at any of the three or four coffee shops on my way to work.

Food from home

I just watched a 2007 episode of "Giada's Weekend Getaways" ("The Hamptons"), and was happily surprised when Giada De Laurentiis ended her day in the Hamptons by going to Sag Harbor. My hometown on national television, awww. She ate lunch at The American Hotel, which yes, is a beautiful little hotel. And yes, the burgers really are served on English muffins. And they are fantastic. I wish she had stopped at The Corner Bar, too, for some steamed mussels. Ohh, those are so good. The white wine sauce is the thickest wine sauce I have ever tried. And the garlic bread! Tastiest garlic bread, hands-down. And then there is Conca D'Oro Pizzeria, home of some of the best pizza in New York state. And the Bagel Buoy. And the Big Olaf Ice Cream Shop. And the Golden Pear restaurant.

Sometimes I think Sag Harbor's food is even better than its old-fashioned beauty.

Now I miss home.

very random thoughts on anxiety and personal growth

And after all this time, I still find myself having panic attacks over the most inconsequential things. The good part of that is my recently honed ability to confront the situations instead of running and hiding. Where I can say, "Okay, I am probably going to cause some disappointment, but it's not my fault and everything will be fine." I am allowed to back out of agreements with good reason, I am allowed to say that I cannot do something, I am allowed to refuse a difficult request or any request.
I couldn't do any of that for a very, very long time.
I think that as long as I can reassure myself that everything will be okay when I say no, I will be perfectly fine.

I was always emotionally hypersensitive. As a very young child, I always reacted to most things with extremes. I would burst into hysterical tears if I disappointed or upset anyone. I was terrified of making people angry. I was also afraid of watching people argue with each other and would try to run and hide when fights started; thankfully, my parents rarely fought. It wasn't until I got to high school that I started seeing couples fight, and it always set my teeth on edge. When I moved in with Adam and listened to his parents fight, I'd hide in the bedroom and turn on the TV, or get out of the house and go for long walks. Same thing when his parents moved into our townhouse for six months. When my current housemate was dating his ex, they would fight so constantly that I found myself not wanting to be in my own house so I didn't have to hear the yelling. I hated confrontation, I hated battles.
I've gotten better.

When my husband I bicker or argue, we try to follow the unspoken rules of fighting in marriage (or any relationship). We try to stay on topic, listen to each other completely, come up with compromises, keep our voices down. We don't pick fights just to fight. We try to find humor in the argument and often wind up laughing about it later. We learn to concede, often reluctantly. Naturally, sometimes we break many if not all of these rules. But after seeing many other couples fight to the point of nearly breaking up over and over, I've realized that Adam and I have an extremely solid, intense commitment to each other. We're in it for life. We are a unit. There's no turning back, no running away. If there are problems, we work to fix them. If there are fights, we work to resolve them. Nothing else will do. We don't give up on each other. We compromise. We are AdamandJoanna. We need to go through life together, no matter what.

I think I hope too much that all other couples I know can do this. I don't know what it's like to go through intense fights and breakups; I never had those experiences. I'm naive about all that. I need to live and learn more. But what I really need to do is quit worrying about other people, about what other people think and want and need, especially in regards to me. If I disappoint someone, I apologize and work with the person to rectify and move past the situation. I just wish I had figured this out when I was younger. It would have saved me a lot of panic attacks.