Hot and Cold

Today is shaping up to be another Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day where the pain goes to eleven. The last time I felt like this was June 17th; I posted about it then. It was soul-crushing, nerve-scraping, howling and violent then. It will be so today because it is already happening. Today I will lose my mind for a while, cry and yell and beg and whimper and pray it will end. And then it will be over. Until the next Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day.

The post-ictal symptoms have finally faded. Unfortunately, I spent some time last night trapped in a BDD cycle. This happens often after seizures. I see parts of my body so distorted, so ugly, so shapeless and horrible, that it triggers the anorexia scars and I panic if a pair of pants feels too tight, I panic if my waistline looks larger. After everything fades, after every symptom passes, I am left breathless and confused and struggling to fit myself back together. My dreams last night reflected this.

I am waiting for the pain pills and anti-fatigue pills to kick in.

I feel clinical and cynical; a girl with a Heart Shaped Locket (Cleopatra meets Sandra Dee).

Fandoms

http://community.livejournal.com/metaquotes/6760818.html

I say that there should be Dueling Fandom moments. You know, where one screaming fangirl must put up with another screaming fangirl's fandom, just to understand what it's like for those who get attacked for not liking a certain fandom.

Yes, I love Firefly and Battlestar and Doctor Who and Stargate and Babylon 5 and Heroes. I love them very much. But you know what? People who don't like them can go ahead and not like them. It's their right. I might say, "That was such an awesome episode YAY!" But I won't turn into a rabid cannibalistic monster if you say, for example, "Ugh, Heroes is stupid, I hate Peter Petrelli!" I'll say, "Really? Tell me what you hate, I'm curious! I love analyzing this sort of thing! Maybe we can compare stuff we like and don't like, so I can understand your point of view."

(My friends assume I am obsessed with the Simpsons because I have every current season downloaded and will watch every episode in order until there are no more new episodes. But go look up the definition of obsession. My watching episodes of a show for hours on end isn't obsession, it's *gasp* watching episodes of a show for hours on end. I do not have "a persistent disturbing preoccupation with an often unreasonable idea or feeling" nor "the domination of one's thoughts or feelings by a persistent idea, image, desire, etc." I don't squeal with unmitigated glee at every single Simpsons anything. I don't give a flying fuck about merchandise, fanfic, or anything except the episodes. I watch the show because it very specifically makes me laugh the way no other TV show can, and gods know that with chronic agonizing pain, I need something that can do that. The show helps me relax after a bad day. It is easy to watch. It is extremely quotable and memorable. The show itself is background noise, it doesn't require real intelligence to watch. I can turn on any episode and then just go on and do other things, like clean the living room, write in my novel, surf the internet. I don't have to pay attention. I also don't care if someone wants to watch something else; I won't snarl with rage if a friend suggests that we quit watching. Yes, I may have watched every episode ten times and yes I may quote at random. Say I'm obsessed after you spend twelve hours playing one video game that you've already beaten twice or after you watch a marathon of your own favorite TV show just because you can, y'know?
I have also watched marathons of Babylon 5, Heroes, Firefly, Doctor Who, Buffy, Angel, Avatar The Last Airbender, and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I'm waiting for people to pick on me about any of those. I guess it's The Simpsons because The Simpsons is the one show I just won't get tired of. Gods forbid.
No, I'm not bitter. I'm just pointing out the obvious.)

I think that anyone who is part of any sort of fandom needs to remember the lovely adage "To Each His Own."

Quotable Simpsons. Also, fibro sucks.

I swear I'm going to stop feeling so exhausted any minute now...
Right... now! Right now! Now! Now! Now...nnnnnow! Nnnnnnow!

Nope.

Must keep going! Must keep going! Oh, I can't, I can't keep going. Yes, you can! No, I can't! Oh, shut up! You shut up! No, you! No, you! No, you! Oh, real mature. How could you say that?!... Oh what's the point?

My brain isn't buying it either. It says, "Oh, you don't want to know what I really think. Now look sad and say D'oh."


D'oh.


My feeble attempt at humor while my abused central nervous system and musculoskeletal structure go haywire and try to destroy my sanity. Yay!