Moments pass

I had A Moment last night.
Haven't had such an intense Moment in, what, five years?
I rarely have them now and I rarely talk about them, but this was so strong and I know why it happened.
Woke up shaking after dreams about death and bones.
The Moment was long gone and I stared at myself in the mirror for an eternity. I kept saying, Beautiful. Over and over.

Woke up aching and sore and burning and wanting to never move again.
I took a Soma.
I swear a prescription drug has never been so aptly named.

Woke up tense and spastic, with my left arm bent at a strange angle from the elbow, with my left wrist bent all the way in, my fingers claws and pained. My entire left leg too spastic to move for a while, shaking.

I may have been Alice last night.
There is a very distinct feeling when a seizure happens. It is so unmistakable that when someone asks if it is, say, a panic attack, I almost get offended.
I know what happens after I am Alice for a while.

I want to stop crying. The reasons are not listed here, but are related to the first. All I know is that they were right, all those years ago, about me being made of pure light, about wishing that the people I loved could be safe and healed and not hurting.

I promise myself everything will be fine.

Taking myself back

I have a tricycle.
I have an adult Tri-Rider Tricycle.
http://belizebike.com/english/trike.html

Our neighbors across the street had a yard sale this morning. They had two Tri-Riders, black foldable adult tricycles. One had a basket. Adam offered to buy it for me. My disabilities and chronic illnesses have always caused balance problems, so I never really learned how to ride bicycles. I'll admit, I had never heard of adult tricycles.
The seller's wife has MS, and can no longer ride, so the family was selling the trikes for $125 including the one basket. Adam and I spoke with the seller and his and daughter, who were understanding and sympathetic about my health issues (the daughter can relate), and they watched me ride the trike up and down the street. It was comfortable, it braked well, it had excellent control. I fell in love. Adam bought it and I rode it home.

Now he and I can ride together, with my trike and his mountain bike. And when Adam is away on weekends, I can ride to the grocery store and buy milk and things.

Charlotte and Billy are getting a Bowflex exercise machine. Our friend Cliff and his boyfriend Michael are giving away their Bowflex, and Billy has always wanted one. Billy and I had even once agreed to split the cost of one and keep it in his basement. But now they can have one for free. He and Charlotte know that I will be over their house as often as possible to work on the Bowflex.

Between my Tri-Rider and Billy's Bowflex, I will have my muscle tone, my strength, my weight controlled. I am now very happy.

Words Flail

Mmm, Beeritol.