Moments pass

[brightlotusmoon]

I had A Moment last night.
Haven't had such an intense Moment in, what, five years?
I rarely have them now and I rarely talk about them, but this was so strong and I know why it happened.
Woke up shaking after dreams about death and bones.
The Moment was long gone and I stared at myself in the mirror for an eternity. I kept saying, Beautiful. Over and over.

Woke up aching and sore and burning and wanting to never move again.
I took a Soma.
I swear a prescription drug has never been so aptly named.

Woke up tense and spastic, with my left arm bent at a strange angle from the elbow, with my left wrist bent all the way in, my fingers claws and pained. My entire left leg too spastic to move for a while, shaking.

I may have been Alice last night.
There is a very distinct feeling when a seizure happens. It is so unmistakable that when someone asks if it is, say, a panic attack, I almost get offended.
I know what happens after I am Alice for a while.

I want to stop crying. The reasons are not listed here, but are related to the first. All I know is that they were right, all those years ago, about me being made of pure light, about wishing that the people I loved could be safe and healed and not hurting.

I promise myself everything will be fine.

Comments

[cwjennifer.livejournal.com]

You know what?

I had a terrible depressive episode last night. I was literally lying in bed crying and could not figure out why. Nor could I stop.

I feel somewhat better this morning. I hope you do too :)

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

I've started feeling better. Having good, happy things happen are a big help!