pain, entry 3

[brightlotusmoon]

Still hurts. Still bad. Still upset. Still angry. Don't know how it happened. I want it to stop. I can't walk. The only way I can make it look somewhat normal is with a bastardized version of a catwalk stride. One foot directly in front of the other, limp to the left, right foot splayed out with toes pointed sideways. I'm exahusted. All I did was walk three blocks and I want to collapse. It hurts. I'm shaking. Microspasms in the muscles. Spastic overload.
Hell.
I won't cry.
Shit happens. I'll work with it. I work through it.
I will let it pass through me.
Or it will consume.

My husband is sick. He has a cold, maybe something more. And all I can do is talk to him over the phone and the miles, and worry.

I am eating only because I need to, but I am making sure each meal is balanced with plenty of calories. I have to. I'm unable to eat breakfast without feeling sick.

I want to shatter something, break something against a wall, and scream and scream.

Comments

Crap

[illusionmajik.livejournal.com]

Oh sweetie
Im so sorry that you're hurting and ill
If there's anything I can do let me know.

Sending you and adam healing thoughts

I worry about you.

Re: Crap

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

Thank you, Chrissy. I appreciate that. *hugs*

[lightworker78.livejournal.com]

spastic overload? Sounds like something my ex used to say, due to spastic diplegia (sp?), CP. Towels soaked in hot water and wrapped around hurting body part usually helped her. Dunno if that's what you're refering to though.

Hehe we dont really know each other. I just ran a search for Reiki communities and found a couple of people who had listed that as an interest. Hope you dont mind me dropping a line!

Love and light,

Erik

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

Well, I do have CP: Spastic hemiplegia. It's a pain. Heh. Soaking towels sounds heavenly!

Anyway, hello! :)

[ronin-lethe.livejournal.com]

*hugs you tightly*

just breathe, lovely. just breathe. my hand is here even across the miles. you are not alone.

i love you.

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

Breathing.
I love you so much.
Even with typed words you calm me. I feel better already.

[heartgut.livejournal.com]

I hope this gets better for you soon! I admire your strength in being able to work through something so painful and difficult.

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

Thank you. People admiring my strength actually makes me feel stronger, if that makes sense.

[greenwillow27.livejournal.com]

I know you can work through this, and I know you know, but I'm so sorry that you have to.

Damp towels, microwave 30-40 seconds. Wrap. Repeat. I did this for an hour last night with my daughter. Hers were growing pain cramps, but I used to do the same for Michael's CP cramping legs.

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

*nods* Thank you. I've heard of this method and still have yet to try it. I'll do it tonight and see how it words. How long do I need to leave the towels on my legs for?

Oh -- what sort of CP does your son have?

Sorry I'm slow here!

[greenwillow27.livejournal.com]

Michael's got a fairly mild CP. Mostly affects his left side. He walks with a slight limp but unless he's tired it's not noticeable. It wasn't even correctly diagnosed til he was in kindergarten.

For a long time he was unhappy because he had trouble driving a stick shift. He couldn't feel the pressure of the clutch well enough with his left foot to feel confident. Then he got a beat-up little Fiat that he and his girlfriend (and Dad) have been nursing back to driving condition. *That* he can shift, no problem. I think it's an Italian Miracle.

Keep the towels on until they cool, then reheat. This of course works best with the help of a kind roommate, spouse, or Mom to reheat them while you relax. ;o)

Re: Sorry I'm slow here!

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

*nods* So, he's like me. Mine is spastic hemiplegia, left side, and mild. I still can't drive! I've tried, it doesn't work. Heh.

[rhiannons-rose.livejournal.com]

I know you probably don't want to hear this, but I am very concerned.

Have you talked to your doctor about your increasing problems?

I saw some stretches in my massage magazine the other day that might help your sciatica. Unfortunately, they are hard to describe, and do require someone else to do them "for" you. If that makes any sense.

Feel better beautiful.

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

I think I know where all the problems are coming from, so I'm hesitant to see the doctor. Cold weather will do it, as will walking heel to toe. I naturally walk on my toes, because of the CP and other problems. And wearing flat shoes or low-heel shoes will cause pain. Last week, I switched from my usual two-inch heel boots to boots with a heel of less than one and a half inches. I think it took the muscles and tendons some time to adjust, because they are not used to constant heel to toe pressure.
I've been stretching as much as possible, and it is really working great. I'll be buying a book on basic Pilates soon, because I want to learn it properly.

Thank you so much for your concern, it helps. :)