pain, entry 3

[brightlotusmoon]

Still hurts. Still bad. Still upset. Still angry. Don't know how it happened. I want it to stop. I can't walk. The only way I can make it look somewhat normal is with a bastardized version of a catwalk stride. One foot directly in front of the other, limp to the left, right foot splayed out with toes pointed sideways. I'm exahusted. All I did was walk three blocks and I want to collapse. It hurts. I'm shaking. Microspasms in the muscles. Spastic overload.
Hell.
I won't cry.
Shit happens. I'll work with it. I work through it.
I will let it pass through me.
Or it will consume.

My husband is sick. He has a cold, maybe something more. And all I can do is talk to him over the phone and the miles, and worry.

I am eating only because I need to, but I am making sure each meal is balanced with plenty of calories. I have to. I'm unable to eat breakfast without feeling sick.

I want to shatter something, break something against a wall, and scream and scream.

Comments

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

I think I know where all the problems are coming from, so I'm hesitant to see the doctor. Cold weather will do it, as will walking heel to toe. I naturally walk on my toes, because of the CP and other problems. And wearing flat shoes or low-heel shoes will cause pain. Last week, I switched from my usual two-inch heel boots to boots with a heel of less than one and a half inches. I think it took the muscles and tendons some time to adjust, because they are not used to constant heel to toe pressure.
I've been stretching as much as possible, and it is really working great. I'll be buying a book on basic Pilates soon, because I want to learn it properly.

Thank you so much for your concern, it helps. :)