paralyzing

[brightlotusmoon]

Catamenial seizure.
Terror seizure.
It happened as we both woke up in the middle of the night. Suddenly I could not move. My eyes were still closed, I was on my left side, and I could not move. Adam held my left hand and squeezed, and I could not squeeze back. I could not speak. I could feel, but I could not respond. I was trapped inside my body.
I was trapped.
I was trapped.
Body as a flesh glass prison. The mind is silent. The mind shuts off. There is nothing but basic biological instinct to breathe, and shallowly. No blinking. No swallowing saliva. No twitching of muscles. Nerves tingled, skin tingled, and my skin itched and I could not scratch. I was empty, but I was still inside; I was hollow. I was gone, but still there. I could not move.
I could not move.
I could not even beat against the invisible mind-walls; my mind was nothing.
Adam asked if I was okay. What could I do? I could not even twitch a finger. I was beginning to panic. Speak, I told myself. Whimper, moan, sigh, gasp, cry. Scream. Anything.
No.
Nothing.
And then,
I was released.
My eyes flew open. I gasped and sucked in air like a drowing woman. My head came off the pillow and I blinked wildly. I could move. Oh, gods, I could move. I opened and closed my hands, moved my feet, moved my head from side to side. I breathed like air was precious. I almost cried. Adam said nothing, just squeezed my hand and ran his thumb over my palm. I almost cried.
I could not say how long it lasted. Five minutes? It was my eternity, my nightmare, my dark hell everlast.
Adam said nothing, but I felt him, and he loved me. He touched me, my neck and shoulders and head massaged my tension away as best he could, and then I cried, and he said, "I love you, wife, I love you."
I cried the fear away.

Sometimes temporal lobe epilepsy is like traveling through the Twilight Zone, sometimes like being temporarily trapped in the bad part of the Twilight Zone.
Parallel universe, all in the mind, all through the mind.

We barely slept the rest of the night.

Thank the gods for this morning's two shots of espresso, for goji and acai blend juice, for yerba mate capsules.
Thank the gods for my husband, who held my hand.

Comments

[queen-lily-rose.livejournal.com]

*Cries* That's The Most Frightening Experience. I've Had That Happen To Me Only Once And I Pray I Never Experience Another Episode Like It. It Was Much The Same. I Woke Up That Way Around Midnight And My Fear Woke Tris, Who Couldn't Rouse Me Either. After What Seemed An Eternity I Sat Up Gasping The Same Way. Tris Made Me Go To The E.R. You Are One Of The Strongest People {Emotionally} I Have Ever Known! *Hugs*

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

*hugs*
It's definitely nightmarish. I didn't go to the hospital because I know stuff like that happens too often and I could deal with it...
Have you been diagnosed with a seizure disorder, or do you have seizures due to one of your medical conditions? And what happened at the ER?

Emotionally strong... I don't know about that. Maybe stubborn and resiliant? *smiles*

[queen-lily-rose.livejournal.com]

The Doctors Haven't Figured That Out Yet.......

[scyllacat.livejournal.com]

I had a friend who was epileptic at Governor's Honors. She was a pistol -- insisted on doing the 5K run and other things that would push or stress her. I guess she wanted to extend the limits of her abilities as much as she could, even if it meant failing/seizing sometimes.

I never asked her (I do have SOME sensitivity, in spite of my reputation for !tact) what it was like, and this is the most ... well, it's sort of like I thought it would be. I would be TERRIFIED. I've had nightmares like this.

You are brave.

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

*smiles*
Part of me thinks you should have asked her. At least that's what I want. I want people to ask me, so I can tell them, so they can know and try to understand, so they're not afraid or worried or misinformed... I have had people gasp in horror, stare at me like I'm about to fall on them convulsing, stare at me like I have some terminal disease. Not everyone has that reaction, but for some reason epilepsy still has a stigma.

I was terrified, I really was... but oddly enough I was also really calm, and I still am. It's like part of my brain said, Okay, this is happening, but it comes with the deal, this is how we work now, you should expect it. It won't last long and you'll be okay.

Adam sometimes wonders how I don't constantly freak out every time I feel a seizure coming on. It depends on the type, the severity, where I am, how I feel. In public, it sends me into a panic because even though I won't have convulsions I still don't want people wondering what the fuck is wrong with the lady who's acting like she's on drugs, or standing there staring blindly and not moving at all.

I don't think I'm brave, so that's a compliment.
I'm just stubborn.
:)

don't forget

[officeninja.livejournal.com]

the crack - thats always useful when you ain't got enough sleep
put it in the pipe and smoke it......

------------------------
"is it candy..?"
"yeah the kind of candy that you smoke out of a pipe."
"hahahaha pipecandy." - Dirty Dee from Pootie Tang

Re: don't forget

[brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com]

That made me smile.

[thiswaste.livejournal.com]

*hugs*
That sounds so scary. I'm so glad you're ok.