brightlotusmoon | paralyzing

Catamenial seizure.
Terror seizure.
It happened as we both woke up in the middle of the night. Suddenly I could not move. My eyes were still closed, I was on my left side, and I could not move. Adam held my left hand and squeezed, and I could not squeeze back. I could not speak. I could feel, but I could not respond. I was trapped inside my body.
I was trapped.
I was trapped.
Body as a flesh glass prison. The mind is silent. The mind shuts off. There is nothing but basic biological instinct to breathe, and shallowly. No blinking. No swallowing saliva. No twitching of muscles. Nerves tingled, skin tingled, and my skin itched and I could not scratch. I was empty, but I was still inside; I was hollow. I was gone, but still there. I could not move.
I could not move.
I could not even beat against the invisible mind-walls; my mind was nothing.
Adam asked if I was okay. What could I do? I could not even twitch a finger. I was beginning to panic. Speak, I told myself. Whimper, moan, sigh, gasp, cry. Scream. Anything.
No.
Nothing.
And then,
I was released.
My eyes flew open. I gasped and sucked in air like a drowing woman. My head came off the pillow and I blinked wildly. I could move. Oh, gods, I could move. I opened and closed my hands, moved my feet, moved my head from side to side. I breathed like air was precious. I almost cried. Adam said nothing, just squeezed my hand and ran his thumb over my palm. I almost cried.
I could not say how long it lasted. Five minutes? It was my eternity, my nightmare, my dark hell everlast.
Adam said nothing, but I felt him, and he loved me. He touched me, my neck and shoulders and head massaged my tension away as best he could, and then I cried, and he said, "I love you, wife, I love you."
I cried the fear away.

Sometimes temporal lobe epilepsy is like traveling through the Twilight Zone, sometimes like being temporarily trapped in the bad part of the Twilight Zone.
Parallel universe, all in the mind, all through the mind.

We barely slept the rest of the night.

Thank the gods for this morning's two shots of espresso, for goji and acai blend juice, for yerba mate capsules.
Thank the gods for my husband, who held my hand.