The Return To Innocence

I often "cross post" between here and Facebook, since sometimes stuff I say there, in increments, can be transferred here as stories and ruminations.

Lately, I've been getting genuinely angry at many Facebook friends and acquaintances - and it takes a fucking lot to make me genuinely angry. Multiple people on my Feed have been reading and watching the internet and talk show versions of medical conspiracy theories and tabloids - technincally slightly true, definitely not completely true. "So, these doctors on this daytime talk show or YouTube segment or extremely biased blog are saying that almost every serious health problem in America can be linked to pharmaceutical drugs or the side effects from those drugs. So, have fun taking those deadly dangerous pills! I'm going to be all smug and condescending because I don't take any pills at all even though I probably should for medical conditions I refuse to talk about."

Have you ever had a triggering of your rage gag reflex? Not quite retching, but a mental version of "I am about to explode rage all over this!" because something has truly, severely pissed you off. That has been me over the last couple of days. Some very very intelligent friends have been reposting these ridiculous claims, and my response is usually double facepalm and "For fuck's sake, take everything you read and hear on these blogs and talk shows with grains of salt, please, please, please." Like... okay, I like watching the Doctor Oz show every now and then. Quite often, he is extremely insightful, helpful, and correct. But he is also trying to get high ratings. Same for that talk show The Doctors. Who also used to be Oprah's friends. A panel of four core doctors from different specialties talking about medical breakthroughs, things that are good and bad for you, et cetera. Apparently, a recent episode featured the ER physician claiming that pharmaceutical drug side effects were causing most of the country's medical problems. At which point I facepalmed, went online to trusted websites, and proved him essentially wrong with a few keystrokes. It turns out that after the episode aired, multiple physicians and specialists who were not mere ER doctors called bullshit and blasted the episode and the hosts for being irresponsible. Again, ratings ratings ratings. But so many Facebook friends are falling for it that I wound up "hiding" their posts because I was getting seriously insulted. Funny that this happened after I made a status post about how grateful I was for the pharmaceutical drugs I've been taking to help mitigate my conditions.

Look, pharmaceutical drugs are not the Best Things Ever. They have serious side effects for many people. They alter the body and brain in ways that can be more damaging than the conditions they are treating. BUT. For millions of people, they are lifesaving. They have treated the symptoms of thousands of crippling diseases successfully. For many patients, they are the only options, because holistic medicines, supplements, and alternative therapies haven't worked for those patients (and of course, holistic medicine is either The Best Only Medicine Ever or Quackery Placebo Bullshit). So, to say something like "I heard from a TV doctor that pharmaceutical drugs are the main cause of most medical problems" and to follow it up with a slap in the face like "Good luck taking your pills, guys!" is... a slap in the face. Especially if that doctor was being paid to exaggerate findings or to promote some sort of media, to gain readers or viewers. And especially if the people repeating these claims hadn't seen a doctor themselves in years due to lack of opportunity, fear, hatred, or simple mistrust of doctors - which makes me laugh my ass off. "I don't trust doctors, doctors have never made me feel better, but this one doctor said this thing and I believe it completely and so should you!" It is one thing to drink the Kool-Aid. It is another thing to splash the plastic cup of Kool-Aid in my face.

You know, this is why doctors practice medicine. Practice, not master. It is a practice. Many many times, they get things wrong. Doctors are not perfect. Nobody is perfect. Not even you. So, dear Facebook people, please double check your facts, get second opinions, and actually think about it before you quote what sounds like medical conspiracy theories.

In the meantime, I'm going to sit back, smile, watch silly cat videos, and take my evil pharmaceuticals and my quack herbal supplements that are all maliciously working wonderfully to effectively relieve the worst symptoms of my twenty separate medical conditions. Damn them! *nods*

Also, in May I have my first appointment with a licensed craniosacral therapist. Having had craniosacral therapy twice, with extraordinary results, I am eagerly anticipating this.

I think my "give a fuck" just broke. It's bad enough that I'm in a major depressive episode and already filling up with self-loathing about everything I do and am. It's worse when I forget myself and defend my medication choices to a douchebag who is yelling at me with "All Big Pharma Is Always Evil Forever. You need to stop taking all your poison drugs and just eat these specific plants and herbal formulas, since they will cure your pain and your seizures and your depression and they will even heal your brain damage so you won't have cerebral palsy anymore."
I admit, I flew off the handle just a bit. You know, "Listen, moron, I did the purely holistic thing for twenty-something years, and then I was prescribed a seizure drug and a painkiller drug and a muscle relaxant which completely changed my life in many ways, because I had never known what it was like to have loose, relaxed muscles that didn't clench, spasm, feel paralyzed, or feel like burning. I mean, holy shit, people actually live like this normally? Is this normal? I should have done this sooner! Why hadn't I done this sooner?" And how I looked back on my other life and realized how stupid I was: because even if Big Pharma Is Truly Evil, sometimes they get it right. Sometimes just one drug, or three, can change the life of just one person in unimaginable ways.
And then I explained how I still use supplements and herbs and plants and holistics, and I carefully balance everything, and how I met with half a dozen different doctors who all decided I did not have an addictive personality and that it would be perfectly safe for me to take the wonderful drugs every day. And how strangers on the internet tried to call me junkie and addict without knowing a single fucking iota of a thing about me.
And I explained that because I was in chronic pain, constant agony, and major suffering that was not going to stop on its own, it was safe and fine for me to continue taking the drugs, and fuck everyone who tells me otherwise. And then I explained how sometimes I am in far less pain than normal and when I took one of those drugs, nothing happened. At all. So I was not becoming addicted, because I felt nothing if the pain was not great enough to require drugs.
And then I said a few more angry things about judging strangers because you are not actually concerned about them, you just want to project your personal bullshit onto someone who is doing something that perhaps you or a loved one used to do and it led to addiction and it was horrid for you, and perhaps you have made it your superhero mission to save everyone you encounter from the awful evil Big Pharma that destroyed your life, and perhaps it's easy to yell at people over the internet because you don't need to see their faces or show your face and you feel you have perfect control because the poor stranger is obviously spiraling downward into a terrible tragedy of dependency that only you can save them from.
And by "you" I mean "stranger asshole who decided she knew exactly who I was, what was wrong with me, what I needed, what I didn't need - because obviously those Big Pharma drugs were killing me rather than saving my life in multiple ways."
So, I sincerely apologize if anyone reading this feels slapped, because that is not what I'm trying to do. Normally, when someone gives me the "Drugs bad, herbs good" speech, I just smile and say, "Balance and harmony in all things. Every person is different with different responses to different treatments. Some patients cannot take supplements, and some patients need drugs to continue living a fairly easy life. I am very lucky that I can easily take pharmaceutical drugs and natural supplements in balance. Maybe some day, I will find a plant or vitamin that can legally replace all my prescription drugs forever. I doubt that, because I need certain drugs to keep certain illnesses in check, but if I can reduce the prescriptions and have a supplement as my main treatment, that would be wonderful. Until then, nobody needs to tell me what I should and should not do with my medical health treatments." And that is the most polite thing I can say.

Very long uncommon rant ahead with no cuts, because I don't want to cut this. There shouldn't be any triggers here, but if there are, let me know and I will edit the entry and do a cut.
.
.
.
I'm going to quote from a friend's blog about that "Wrong Century" comic that has been popping up all over Facebook. You know, the one where an overweight woman walking through an art gallery is glared at and mocked, and when she stops in front of a painting depicting fat women from another time, she smiles, because Way Back When In Those Centuries, full-figured plump women were desired and stunning and seen as commonly beautiful women and the observer is happy to know that her figure is gorgeous to someone? And many people are calling it "celebratory" and "fat-positive" and whatnot?
It is not celebratory nor positive. And this quote says why:

"This painting is The Rape of The Daughters of Leucippus, by Peter Paul Rubens. While I suppose one could argue that "rape" also means to abduct by forceful means, in the legend the daughters are then married to their abductors, so I'm going to just say that it's safe to assume these women are going to be raped in both senses of the word. It's not a longshot here, there's a huge naked man ripping their clothes off.
So, what is that cartoon above telling us? That this fat girl is looking wistfully at the painting, wishing she were desirable enough to be raped? I really fucking hope that was not the intention of the male artist who drew this comic. I think more likely it's a visible sign that rape culture is alive and well in the West. The fact is, there are literally dozens of other Rubens paintings with women of size in them that contain, in the words of my friend Greg, "99% less rape." So why did the artist choose this particular picture? Who knows, but it's a real bad choice.
....
Finally, I'm sick to death of the notion that not-fat people on the internet are just concerned for the health and well-being of us fatties. First of all, "Burn more calories than you consume! It's math! It's not hard!" is not new information to most fat people. We understand how losing weight works, and we understand that food choices we make might be bad, and it doesn't matter, because people who get on message boards and comments sections and Facebook and say shit like, "It's not a matter of looks, it's about health!" are lying out their chocolate starfishes. It's not about health. Fat vs. fit vs. skinny is never about health, it's about, "You have a body type that makes me uncomfortable for some reason. If I admit to that, then I'm admitting to a form of prejudice, and rather than own it and confront it, I want to seem like Mother Theresa to fat people, nurturing them to health with my own loving kindness." Shove your loving kindness, because we don't want it here. The same goes for any fat girl who concern trolls pictures of celebs saying, "Angelina Jolie should eat a sandwich!" Guess what? Angelina Jolie has all the money in the world. She can afford all the sandwiches. Ham, turkey and swiss on rye, peanut butter and jelly, bitch can buy them ALL. If she wants a sandwich, she'll have a damned sandwich, and when she's licking her fingers clean she'll still be thin and rich and successful and you'll still be hating yourself, no matter what size you are."

Oh, BTW, here's the blog; I had to ask to make sure I could share, since she is rather private.
http://jenniferarmintrout.blogspot.com/2012/07/angry-rant-about-how-we-treat-each.html

As the blog said, there were dozens, maybe hundreds, of paintings from that era depicting fat women as beautiful where said women were not being attacked or brutalized or afraid. Paintings that show heavyset women as the epitome of beauty and style. But why this one? Why a painting that has such an obviously violent look? Is it really a comment on rape culture? And if so, why is the observing girl smiling wistfully as though she would want to be seized and carried away by scowling naked men? Is that what she's really thinking? Is that what the comic's artist was thinking? Whatever the actual message is, as positive as it may seem, it's really a shroud thrown over something darker. To me, this comic says, "You are beautiful no matter who you are, but eventually someone is going to come and assault you." That may be twisted thinking, but my gods, that is the only way I can think right now. Somebody argue with me. Come on, someone tell me I'm wrong. Someone tell me that the cartoonist honestly had no idea what the painting was really about when he chose it from probably thousands of Google Image searches, even if the painting actually had its title right there in the description. Someone tell me that the cartoonist didn't realize what he was doing. Because I cannot see anything happy about gazing wistfully, longingly, happily, at a painting depicting personal or sexual assault.

I also want to add this: Some time ago, on someone else's Facebook post, I accidentally found myself arguing with a brick wall of a person as he continued to insist that the only problem overweight people had was "because they couldn't put down their forks." No matter what scientific and medical evidence was presented to the contrary, Brick Wall continued to insist that since every single person is totally responsible for every single aspect of their own lives and health, every single person with a weight problem is personally the one and only cause of the weight problem, and that any external cause, like medication, disease, illness, environment, etc, only happened to a tiny percentage and was very rare and not even worth mentioning, so in his mind the only problem was self control and the person's own fault, and he practically puffed himself claiming that he had perfect self control and never ate too much and that all anyone had to do was stop eating so much. I don't remember what happened after that, because I had a seizure induced by rage and stress; I just remember wanting to never engage in any discussions with Brick Wall again, because that kind of mentality is impossible to alter.
The point there is that there are thousands of Brick Wall people out there who will literally refuse to listen to anyone but themselves and the echo chambers they live in, so it is best to keep your head held high and remember that what they say really doesn't matter in the long run. Your health is between you and the doctors assigned to you, not a bunch of people who pretend to be concerned for you to cover up for their own insecurities and prejudice. I had a friend who said, "I can't help it, I feel repulsed and disgusted by obese people. Maybe that's why I need to make myself so thin." Which is an issue that seems to be rather common lately. No matter what, people are never happy with themselves. Not even the Brick Wall people, which is the only reason I feel actual sympathy for them. I, personally, I am trying really really hard to be happy with myself, and I keep telling myself that is perfectly fine to not feel happy, as long as I don't stay too long in that feeling.

One more thing: I used to be very, very, very skinny in my teens. I became anorexic in my twenties, and didn't even break one hundred pounds until I was almost 27. I'm now 33. In those six years, I've gained what my doctors and friends all call a healthy twenty-something pounds. And yet there are days when I feel so ashamed of my body that I want to hide it. But that's low self-esteem and lack of self-confidence. As long as I remember that, as a half Sicilian-Greek and half Romanian-Hungarian-Russian, I was naturally built to have literally curvy hips, ass, and bust, I am fine. (And I do mean literally - I have hyperlordosis, which makes my ass stick out. Finding pants that actually fit without a waist gap is a hilarious adventure.)

Also, now I'm going to present several Rubens paintings that do not actively show kidnapping or rape, where the women are just as shapely, maybe more so, and where the paintings are much lovelier on a psychological scale.

http://www.allartclassic.com/img/Peter_Paul_Rubens_RUP016.jpg (Venus At A Mirror)
http://www.citizenarcane.com/files/2005/April/19/rubens_three_graces.jpg (The Three Graces)
http://www.themasterpiececards.com/Portals/40667/images/rubens%20venus%20and%20adonis-resized-600.jpg (Venus And Adonis)
http://0.tqn.com/d/arthistory/1/0/M/9/1/13-Peter-Paul-Rubens-Frans-Snyders-Union-of-Earth-and-Water-1618-21.jpg (Union Of Earth And Water)
http://www.artclon.com/OtherFile/Peter_Paul_Rubens_1626_1628_XX_Angelica_and_the_Hermit.jpg (Angelica And The Hermit)
http://www.homosapiensunadorned.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/11/rubens_leda_mit_schwan.jpg (Leda and the Swan)

I mean, I could go on, but I just went on Google Image and searched for Rubens paintings of women, and bam, there it was. Really, I think the cartoon would have been absolutely fantastic and gorgeous and heartwarming with Venus At A Mirror or The Three Graces or Union Of Earth and Water. You want beauty in any form? There you go. But you know what is not beautiful? Seeing a painting of large naked men grabbing frightened naked women and hauling them off, and deciding that it was a good idea to use as a model for what beauty in all forms is like. Seriously.

This is a plea to everyone involved in any sort of fandom.

Please, please don't ever get this insane, or I may have to shoot you. A lot.
Thank you for your time.

On the subject of the asshole who broke into Adam's work van and stole his laptop bag containing several very sentimental items (including a string of Pope-blessed Italian rosary beads gifted to him by a dear friend), my pissed-off husband had this to say:

"I hope he suffers a crisis of faith. Or gets eye cancer."

And that right there sums up how I often feel about the stupidity of humanity some days.

Adam and I have decided that perhaps the rosary beads will help someone who needs faith, but in the end, it's still all about karma. You act maliciously, it catches up with you sooner or later. I wonder how many of our gods oversee that.

'Our Prejudices, Ourselves' by Harvey Fierstein
Sometimes people just need to really, really calm down...