Better Days
Aug. 30th, 2010 01:21 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
brightlotusmoonToday is... better. I guess. I will be able to go for my daily walk and workout. I will be able to write creatively without bursting into tears. I can play fetch with Rose easily. I may even have a good appetite for lunch and dinner.
My dreams, lately, have been mostly about being in an office, like my old law firms, and being faced again and again with mass lay-offs, company dissolution, or major cutbacks. My subconscious seems to be dredging up and playing off the memories of what happened to my last two jobs. Sometimes my dreams show pieces of the future. Usually I can never tell what parts are precognition. I have no idea what to think of this, but I want it to stop.
Also, I want a job. A good job. One that will accept and embrace me, disabilities and all. I think that is a deep fear that I haven't addressed yet. That potential employers will be turned off because I might have to admit that my mild disabilities might hinder my work powers. My former boss, the one at the first job, was completely understanding and caring, and knew me inside out. But not every manager can be like Ray. People keep saying not to disclose the disability thing, but I have to wonder if I am legally obligated. There really are activities that might be hindered. I refuse to lie. I have a MetroAccess ID card; you can only get those if you have a disability. Augh. I don't know. They're just dreams.
And then there are the dreams where people scold me. People snap at me for saying I am disabled: "No," they cry, "You are only mildly disabled. You barely squeak by. You can do anything. You shouldn't call yourself disabled." And sometimes I wake up with tears running down my face, because I don't know how to respond. I straddle a line, maybe. I don't need a mobility device, except a cane occasionally. I get weak and shaky and spastic and fatigued and I hurt all the time and I walk with a limp. But I can do all sorts of things, and most people can't even tell I'm disabled unless they know what to look for.
I should probably take a dose of inositol before bed every night; it helps with panic attacks.
My dreams, lately, have been mostly about being in an office, like my old law firms, and being faced again and again with mass lay-offs, company dissolution, or major cutbacks. My subconscious seems to be dredging up and playing off the memories of what happened to my last two jobs. Sometimes my dreams show pieces of the future. Usually I can never tell what parts are precognition. I have no idea what to think of this, but I want it to stop.
Also, I want a job. A good job. One that will accept and embrace me, disabilities and all. I think that is a deep fear that I haven't addressed yet. That potential employers will be turned off because I might have to admit that my mild disabilities might hinder my work powers. My former boss, the one at the first job, was completely understanding and caring, and knew me inside out. But not every manager can be like Ray. People keep saying not to disclose the disability thing, but I have to wonder if I am legally obligated. There really are activities that might be hindered. I refuse to lie. I have a MetroAccess ID card; you can only get those if you have a disability. Augh. I don't know. They're just dreams.
And then there are the dreams where people scold me. People snap at me for saying I am disabled: "No," they cry, "You are only mildly disabled. You barely squeak by. You can do anything. You shouldn't call yourself disabled." And sometimes I wake up with tears running down my face, because I don't know how to respond. I straddle a line, maybe. I don't need a mobility device, except a cane occasionally. I get weak and shaky and spastic and fatigued and I hurt all the time and I walk with a limp. But I can do all sorts of things, and most people can't even tell I'm disabled unless they know what to look for.
I should probably take a dose of inositol before bed every night; it helps with panic attacks.
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Date: 2010-08-30 09:48 pm (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2010-08-30 09:48 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-08-30 11:51 pm (UTC)