The Return To Innocence

Today is... better. I guess. I will be able to go for my daily walk and workout. I will be able to write creatively without bursting into tears. I can play fetch with Rose easily. I may even have a good appetite for lunch and dinner.

My dreams, lately, have been mostly about being in an office, like my old law firms, and being faced again and again with mass lay-offs, company dissolution, or major cutbacks. My subconscious seems to be dredging up and playing off the memories of what happened to my last two jobs. Sometimes my dreams show pieces of the future. Usually I can never tell what parts are precognition. I have no idea what to think of this, but I want it to stop.
Also, I want a job. A good job. One that will accept and embrace me, disabilities and all. I think that is a deep fear that I haven't addressed yet. That potential employers will be turned off because I might have to admit that my mild disabilities might hinder my work powers. My former boss, the one at the first job, was completely understanding and caring, and knew me inside out. But not every manager can be like Ray. People keep saying not to disclose the disability thing, but I have to wonder if I am legally obligated. There really are activities that might be hindered. I refuse to lie. I have a MetroAccess ID card; you can only get those if you have a disability. Augh. I don't know. They're just dreams.
And then there are the dreams where people scold me. People snap at me for saying I am disabled: "No," they cry, "You are only mildly disabled. You barely squeak by. You can do anything. You shouldn't call yourself disabled." And sometimes I wake up with tears running down my face, because I don't know how to respond. I straddle a line, maybe. I don't need a mobility device, except a cane occasionally. I get weak and shaky and spastic and fatigued and I hurt all the time and I walk with a limp. But I can do all sorts of things, and most people can't even tell I'm disabled unless they know what to look for.
I should probably take a dose of inositol before bed every night; it helps with panic attacks.

My feet hurt. But walking around downtown DC was marvelous. Also, I feel happy.
The meeting with Dick, the lawyer, went wonderfully. We sat in his office, which is in Dupont Circle, and we talked, and I gave him my resume.
He took me to lunch at a place called The Blue Duck Tavern, which was gorgeous and pricey and had an amazing tea bar. He told me to order anything I wanted. Iced green tea infused with cherry blossom, which was one of the most aromatic and delicate teas I have ever sipped. Pheasant consomme with smoked haddock cream and poached farm egg, which almost made me faint with happiness. The fish of the day, branzini roasted in lemon, thyme, and white wine. Roasted asparagus in a cream sauce. Dick let me eat one of his I had never been to a place like that. Dick ordered an apple pie for me to take home, and I also had the asparagus boxed up. I left almost shivering, it was all so good.
During the meal we talked casually. I talked about my old jobs, but most of the conversation steered toward my novel. Dick gave me some excellent advice and some things to consider, and I will mostly likely be making the changes he suggested. They make sense.
Dick said that he didn't know of any openings at his own firm, but he would pass copies of my resume around, and he said regardless of outcome, he would contact me within a few weeks to let me know if he found anything. He took me on a tour of his firm's part of the building, and I found myself holding back tears as I realized how much I missed working in an environment like that. All I could do was thank him profusely for being so kind and generous. He walked me out of the building. I spent a leisurely hour wandering around Dupont Circle, moving from M street to I street and window shopping serenely. I bought freshly ground dark coffee on sale, pricey lip gloss on with a coupon, walked around up and down, and generally basked in the day. I really do love downtown DC.
I am watching my husband play video games, and I am thinking about the apple pie that is sitting downstairs waiting.

Adam and I made one of the best breakfasts I've had, which was really just a simple bagel sandwich with egg, cheese, and bacon. But it was made with love. He then left for work, by which I mean preparing for a job in New York City. He'll be back next week, Thursday or so. He knows I will demand bagels and pizza.

I've been getting emails from companies and recruiters who saw my resume on Monster. One of the potential jobs would be working with a consulting firm and supporting the federal government with library technician services. It would be a contract job, but it might be a very long contract. My fingers are crossed that my resume is even added to the proposal and accepted. I don't want to jinx this by mentioning it, but it is exciting. Libraries are my passion.
Dear LiveJournal People: If you live and/or work in the DC/Metro area or in Maryland (Montgomery County), please keep your eyes open, because I really want another library job or something similar. Needs to be accessible by Metro and bus. I use Metro Access. I can't drive. But. Libraries. Or a magazine or a newspaper. I used to work in law firm libraries. I don't miss the law part, I miss the library part. Dude. I have a BA in Creative Writing; I want work that can use that degree.

I don't want to be so tired. I am planning on doing exercising and chores that might help. Also there's a very annoying massive cramp in my right calf. Aside from the slow burn and ache of fibromyalgia, the hypertonia and spasticity of cerebral palsy are particularly vicious today. What the hell, body?

I'm going to work on this nearly-finished chapter. One of my characters is still in limbo. I might kill him for a few minutes.

Adam is off to Pittsburgh, PA. The G-20 summit, which will take place at the end of the month, is being held there, and Adam is one of the techs who will help set everything up this week, for preparation. I love it when he gets jobs involving leaders of the world.

I received my first unemployment payment this week. The amount is more than I'd thought. It will certainly help with bills and savings, especially since my new individual health insurance only offers discounts on prescription drugs, not major coverage. I'm not worried about the birth control pills or the pain pills, but I am flinching at the probable costs for the epilepsy drug. Thankfully, I've got enough pills on me to last until next March or so, and by then I should have a job with proper insurance. I'd better have a job soon, is all I can say!

Currently, my job entails writing this novel. I may not be getting paid for it, but it is work.
I think my biggest problem is that I have too much plot, which needs paring down. Group of talented psychics develop stronger, cosmically-linked powers, and must fight one of their own to stop the eradication of reality, as the antagonist wishes to rebuild reality in a different image with the unwilling help of the protagonist. But there's more to it, obviously, such as a vast eclectic mythology, references to actual deities in various incarnations, and an entire future world to build. And I need to keep it all moving. It will get done.

Breakfast this morning was one of my new favorite meals: Egg, bacon, and cream cheese on an English Muffin.

1 Honey Wheat English Muffin
1 egg
2 slices of bacon
Cream cheese
Olive oil
Milk

I cooked the bacon in olive oil, in the microwave, until the bacon was crispy. Then, I toasted the English muffin until that too was dark and crunchy. I spread cream cheese on both halves of the muffin. Then I poured a splash of olive oil in a small, microwave-safe bowl and swirled it around until the oil coated the bottom and sides of the bowl. I cracked in the egg. I added a splash of milk. I could have used water if I'd wanted a fluffier egg, but I prefer milk. I whipped it all up, then put it in the microwave for exactly forty-three (43) seconds. The egg puffed up beautifully. I scooped it out of the bowl and onto the bottom half of the English muffin. I then broke the bacon into pieces and put the pieces on top of the egg. Then I put the top half of the muffin on it all, pressed it down, and ate it happily.
The sweetness of the honey wheat muffin combined with the creaminess of the cream cheese and the fattiness of the bacon, and it was lovely.
(Note: Sometimes I use spreadable creamy goat cheese instead of cream cheese. It is divine.)

Dear Livejournal People,
I feel strange asking this. Does anyone know how I, as a fantasy writer, could make a bit of pocket money online while I look for a job? Those who know me: What do you think I could do to earn some money? Who would be willing to pay for online editing, proofreading, etcetera? It would also be a thing to add to my resume, I imagine.

Other news: Nothing, other than the fact that I still ache and am still exhausted.
Also, I got my hair trimmed even further, by a professional hairdresser. Adam and I went to the barber shop that he has been going to since he was a child. The women know him very well and remembered me. My hairdresser was wonderful and prided herself on her ability to listen to the customer and do whatever the customer wanted -- I haven't gone to a hairdresser in years because could not find one who actually did exactly what I asked. She did, and she did it perfectly. She complimented my waves in her soft Korean accent and told me I took fantastic care of my hair. She kept my hair below shoulder blade length, evened out the bottom in a blunt straight cut, didn't even go a sixteenth of an inch above what I wanted.
I am extremely picky and particular about my hair.
The woman who attended me and the woman who attended Adam had gentle, whisper-soft hands. Relaxing. I believe I will make the Walnut Hill Barber Shop my personal hairdresser from now on.

Afterward, Adam and I hunted for horseradish sauce that did not contain high fructose corn syrup. Surprisingly hard to find. Turned up in the seafood section of the Giant.

I wrote a scene for the book that was completely out of order. I have no idea where to place it. I will know when I get there.

Adam came home last night and we made French bread pizza. We went to bed very late. We woke up today around one in the afternoon and made one of my favorite meals: an omelet stuffed with homemade hash browns and cream cheese, based off of Hamburger Hamlet's bestselling omelet. It is profoundly delicious and is enough to fuel me for hours.
Charlotte and Billy are here, and everyone is playing Civilization Revolution. It is a relaxing way to spend Adam's day off. Gods know when he will be leaving again, where he will go, how long he will be gone. Perhaps he will be working locally for a while and will be able to come home at the day's end.

Waking up after noon has made my fatigue linger. I am fixing that with caffeine and tyrosine and rhodiola and guarana and B vitamins.

Now I want a chocolate chip cookie.
Or cake. We watched "Good Eats" last night, and Alton Brown was making cake.

I should get the mail.

Dear fellow unemployed people and people who have been unemployed: Do you have suggestions on what to do today? I have already planned to clean the house, water the garden, play with the cats, work on the novel, take a long walk, go to the grocery store for bread and lunch meats and salad, and read some books.
I am grateful that even when my health insurance runs out at the end of August, my medications will still be affordable at the CVS pharmacy. I just need to make sure I can get new insurance within that two-month window. I may decide to try Golden Rule, which offers individual insurance; and Adam and I can find out how much it might cost for me to be put on his insurance. According to HIPAA, he would be able to get me on his insurance within a special thirty-day window after I lose my insurance due to my being laid off. There are also many prescription drug assistance programs. Really, as long as I can get my prescriptions, I will be fine. I don't even know if epilepsy can be considered a pre-existing condition. I believe it depends on the insurance company; some companies do say it is pre-existing, and some don't. I will find out. I also, of course, have the option of signing with a temp agency's insurance, but I would need to complete a number of hours, so the temp agency would need to find me work.
I should stop before my head spins. It is not even August -- I have a strong intuition that something big will happen in August, whether it is a temporary contract job or something permanent. I shouldn't even think about that, I shouldn't even worry. Adam will be home next week. I will still be getting payments from my severance package. I will be fine.


All right, already, we'll all float on okay
Don't worry, we'll all float on
Even if things get heavy, we'll all float on

I made myself have a Good Day.

Also. The good news is that my severance payment will be two paychecks, one in the middle of August and one at the beginning of September. Four weeks of pay. So, really, it is as if they will pay me and keep me on the insurance plan for another month after they've let me go, because I signed for severance. However, I cannot receive unemployment benefits until my severance pay has been paid to me. Which is understandable. If I am still unemployed in September, I will see if I can still file for unemployment.

At least money will come in. Also, Adam's paychecks have been progressively bigger, due to the extreme amount of hours he has put in. He and I should be fine at least for a while.

I went to the staffing agency in DC that I'd spoken to last year. InfoCurrent is a hard-working agency. Ray, my old boss at my other firm (the firm that dissolved), knew almost everyone at Infocurrent, and through him most of InfoCurrent now knows me. When I met with Yosias, I realized that I would need a social security card or a birth certificate. I had lost the social security card some time ago. But I knew I had the birth certificate somewhere. And with that, I could apply for a replacement security card.

After I left DC, I wandered downtown Rockville for a while. I wound up walking from the Rockville Metro Station to the Social Security office, unfortunately the long way around. I picked up a couple of applications to take home, since, well, I was already there. Since Charlotte and Billy lived within walking distance, I went there, with a self-sympathy acai smoothie from Robeks. After Charlotte drove me home, I emptied the two drawers in Adam's smaller dresser, since that was where most paperwork went. I eventually found the white envelope containing my birth certificate - I had written "Joanna's Birth Certificate" on the envelope. The envelope looked old and crumpled. I took a fresh one, wrote on it, put the document in it, and promised myself that I would store the certificate in a place I would actually remember, where it would not get buried.

On Monday, I will go back to InfoCurrent, to finish my application. Then back to the social security office, to wait (a few hours maybe) in line. I will then sign up with other temp agencies, and send my resume out again, etcetera.

I do not know what I will do on Tuesday.
I do not think it has really hit me yet. It will probably hit at the end of next week, when I realize that I have not gone to work in several days.

Well, then.

On BBC America, Torchwood will air Day Five of "Children of Earth." I am still upset about the end of Day Four. This will be interesting.

How was your day? Were you happy?