The Return To Innocence

I was laid off today.
Reduction in staff. A bunch of my coworkers got laid off.
They gave me a final paycheck and will send me a severance payment.
The health insurance will keep until the end of August.
I will file for unemployment tomorrow (the office is closed now).
I'll be signing up with several temp and staffing agencies.
I haven't given myself real time to process it. I'm at Charlotte's, which is fine because I suppose I shouldn't be alone right now.

And so I join the millions.

I found that copy of Anansi Boys. I feel better.

The Farragut North Metro station was so intensely crowded that there was almost no more room. Trains in both directions were delayed due to mechanical problems, sick passengers, and that ongoing investigation into the fatal crash last week. After ten minutes, I went back up to the streets, and I walked to the Dupont Circle station. I was able to get onto a train there. That train stopped and waited constantly, as trains ahead of it experienced technical and mechanical problems. Passengers grumbled and sighed patiently. Around Friendship Heights, I was able to sit down and realized how badly my back and legs were spasming.

I am no longer panicked and paranoid, now that my fate at work has been decided. I was placed on probation, as my supervisor had not been satisfied with my performance on certain projects. I have until the end of August to improve. Part of me feels strangely slightly relieved. I cannot connect to my boss at all. He won't encourage me, he won't sit down and talk with me, he won't chat about little things, he tells me that I had been hired during a very slow time and the work will get even faster and more frenetic and if I cannot keep up maybe this is not the right place for me, and I agree. I almost want to be someplace else. I love the job and the work, but if I feel unable to really work with my boss, I will make myself miserable and anxious, and I will put myself into month-long flare-ups. I come home every day drained and listless. I am sending my resume out. But the panic lingers, because if they do let me go, I may not find something. I don't know if I want to continue working in law firms, not large ones. I don't know. I just know that I still have a job and I probably will keep it, if my boss thinks I can keep up. This has never happened to me at a job before, but it makes me realize what I actually want and don't want out of a career.

My husband and my mother both encouraged me to trust my instincts, to calm down, to let go, to stop struggling for control, to stop feeling like a failure, to breathe, to breathe, to breathe.

We went to the used car dealership after Adam picked me up at the metro station. The blue Taurus needed too much work and wasn't worth the low price because of it. But we did find a white 1999 Ford Taurus station wagon with 60,000 miles on it, great condition. Electronic doors, locks, windows, etc. It was a bit more expensive, but still within our budget, so Adam paid some up front and financed the rest.
We have a new old car. She runs beautifully. We may decide to eventually sell the green G20 Chevy van.

Orientation, Day 2: My software training ended at two, so I spent the rest of my day sitting in my library office, learning my new email, Word programs, intranet, and other things. My supervisor, David, is very soft-spoken, gentle. It's hard to read him right now, because he's quiet and doesn't smile much. But everyone I've spoken to have eagerly volunteered opinions on him, telling me that he is kind, sweet, appreciative, and a wonderful person. My lunch with him yesterday showed me that he's caring and introspective. Tomorrow will be my first full official day working. I can only hope I will do as well as I believe I will.

Work at the new job was strictly orientation. I had conferences with all the local office managers, lunch with my new supervisor, and software training with one of the IT people. The software training will continue all day tomorrow. On Wednesday, I actually start real work. Everyone is wonderfully sweet and kind, excited to have me, very welcoming.
There is no web browsing or personal email or blogging at work (they don't want to run the risk of viruses, security risks, etc). So I'll check email and LJ in the morning while I eat breakfast, and in the evening after dinner. If anyone wants a quick response from me, you're not likely to get it. Besides, the job will keep me busy constantly, which is good.
My first paycheck, on the 16th, will be a half paycheck, since there is a lag week regarding pay. I don't understand it at all, but the HR manager, Jana, told me not to worry. My next paycheck, on January 1st, will be full.
Adam is stunned at the cost of medical insurance if I claim him as my dependent spouse. He didn't realize, all this time. He wants to see if his company has a better benefit policy now that they're merging with another IT rental company (originally they had only calamity insurance). If I just put myself on the benefits package, I'd pay nothing. But regardless, Adam will be on my dental and vision plans, which are very affordable. Medical and dental are both with Aetna, and vision is with VSP. Luckily, my doctors and dentists are all in Aetna's network.

Randomness:
I need to apply for a replacement social security card. Adam needs to find his car titles, or get replacement titles.
The green van isn't doing as well as we thought.
Adam has found a used 2000 Ford Taurus station wagon for just under three grand that he'll be looking at tomorrow. (YAY.)
Heroes is now. (Yay.)
I think the cats really like the new den. Jupiter keeps smiling, if cats can smile.
I need to buy whole wheat bread, kitchen sponges, yogurt, bananas, and canned cat food. Mom sent us home with a jar of Marie's Creamy Italian Garlic Dressing, which is heavenly on grilled mozzarella whole wheat sandwiches. Seriously, try it.

One more day.
For most of the people in this office, apparently.
Almost everyone is starting the Thanksgiving vacation early, bittersweet.
Luckily, we will get paid for vaction and holiday time.
Our last paychecks will be live, and will be mailed out next Wednesday. I'll get mine in the mail when Adam and I come home next Saturday, after Thanksgiving.
My application for individual health coverage for December was accepted. They didn't list any of my illnesses in their pre-existing conditions list. I've stocked up on all my drugs anyway; I'll have pills well into March. Come January, I'll sign up for my new employer's health plan and it'll be good.
I still dislike the health care system in this country, but fuck, it's what we've got.
One of the lawyers here got a job at the firm where I'll be going. I like him. It'll be nice to see a familiar face at the new place.
My brain is splintered and everywhere. Foggy, too. I can't think of words. Mild aphasia is frequent when you have neurological illnesses. Last night I kept forgetting phrases I had spoken or heard seconds before, kept substituting other words that made no real sense.
When we come back from vacation, we help Jason move out and started deciding what to do with the empty space. Adam wants to turn the room into a den, convert the living room into a dining room and sitting room. I'll definitely want Charlotte's help with this.

The office is so quiet. Everyone is cheerful and calm and supportive and sympathetic, but there is that air of stress and sadness and worry and uncertainty. I wish I knew what to say, other than "I'm sorry."
(Saying you're sorry is basically expressing sorrow and empathy for another's pain. "I am filled with sorrow for your pain." I recently learned this. It doesn't mean apology in this instance. I hadn't known that. I feel better about saying it now that I know it doesn't always mean apology.)

Just to be on the safe side, Adam and I are getting quotes online for short term temporary medical insurance that we would pay for. The best one so far is from Golden Rule Health.

Even though my new job starts on the first of December, my health coverage will not start until the first of January. That company policy says that new employees will be eligible for coverage on the first day of the month after they are hired. The next month would be January, for me. So come December, I would qualify under the "waiting for other coverage to begin" category, or possibly the "between jobs" category.

See, because my company is dissolving completely and the bank has seized its assets, we employees may not be eligible for continued insurance once the lay-off date passes. Not even COBRA. Yes, crazy, yes, I know. Right now, it's all up to the bank. The company itself wants to pay for our health coverage if it can on its own. Hopefully it can.
I can still get paid and covered through November 30th, with paid vacation days, though. My office manager said that I shouldn't resign or anything, just work through November like usual, and don't come back. Physically, my last day would be right before the week of Thanksgiving. Then I'd just start my new job after that.
So, I need to find out if current health benefits would be extended into December at all. And if not, I'd want a bridge. I wouldn't have a big lapse between coverage, but still. December is the time when people are most likely to get sick and need doctors.

I am stocking up on my most necessary prescriptions in the meantime. I seriously doubt we'll need to visit the doctor in December, but that is the point of insurance, the idea of Just In Case, You Never Know.

I went to a third staffing agency this afternoon, RH. They offer full health coverage for temps, which is a huge plus (I just realized that IC also offers health benefits, so yay).

Also, very good news. The law firm I interviewed with yesterday wants me to come back on Monday for a final interview with the firm's director of administration. I think this means I'm one of the top candidates for the job.
I'm not going to get excited yet, but I am very, very, very optmistic about this!

I pulled out my Vertigo tarot deck last night, dealt myself a quick seven card horseshoe spread. Got Justice, the Moon, the Hanged Man, two Cups, a Pentacle. The final card, a Neil Gaiman character, made me draw in my breath, and it shot my hope up. That's what I love about this card, about her. In this card, she's holding a blue rose. Her skin stands out snow white against all the black, the black of her punkish hair and her tank top and the spiral tattoo under her eye. The ankh pendant around her neck. She's smiling impishly, as though she knows all your secrets and would never tell but could if she wanted.
A lot of people tend to get scared when they get Death as a card in their tarot reading. They really shouldn't.

Shortly after I had made my plans to go to Thursday's interview, I got a phone call on my work phone. It was from the staffing agency who had originally found my current job, way back in 2002. They want to talk with me.
They're right across the street from the law firm I'm interviewing with.
As soon as I am done with my interview with the firm, I'm going across the street to see the staffing agency.
Having two staffing agencies working with me might get a little confusing, but it also means more prospects, as long as they don't conflict.
The agency I interviewed with this morning will henceforth be known as IC. The agency I will be interviewing with on Thursday will be known as TS.
Between the two of them, I am sure I will get something, if the law firm doesn't want me.

My head is spinning...

Dear Friends List:

Could you please comment with LOL-anything Macros, funny stories, happy stories, hopeful stories, brilliant insights, beautiful quotes, and any other uplifting words or pictures? It would make me smile. I desperately need to smile.

Also, I have a migraine. It's about to rain and it's almost freezing, but that's besides the point.

I am in a state.
Part of me is being quietly terrified, sobbing and shaking in a rapidly shrinking corner. Another part of me is confident, head held up high, poised and calm. These parts are currently battling to see who will be up front for the next week.
I won't go into it, because nothing is truly certain until the end of next week.
Still, I think I could really use a bunch of cyber hugs right now.
My personal life is fine. It's my work life that is uncertain. Stuff is sort of imploding slowly at my company. But I got an interview at another company for next week, just in case the implosions keep happening.

In the end, everything will be all right. Always is.

The only bad news right now is I am in a severe, violent fibro flare. But it will be okay. I just took a Soma. Adam is making dinner, and he held me tight and told me things will be fine. It's Friday.

I just want to stop hurting.