Meh

May. 16th, 2011 11:02 am
brightlotusmoon: (Default)
[personal profile] brightlotusmoon
Today is...
I mean...
I guess I'm not feeling...
Oh hell, I can say it now, right? I got a fucking medical diagnosis now, right?
I feel depressed. Also anxious. Also, it's nothing new.
I used to think that saying "I feel depressed" without having medical depression was a bad thing for me to say, because there are millions of actually medically depressed people out there who would laugh in my face. But now that I admit to being one of them, what do I say?
Today, I see my first psychotherapist. She's not just any therapist; she specializes in chronic pain and illness, so our sessions will focus on how fibromyalgia and all my other disabilities are affecting my mental and emotional and spiritual states. Mom will pay the bill for that. She really wants to help me as much as possible. She suspected I was depressed and physically full of pain as a child but wasn't certain until now.
I hate the stigma of psychotherapy. I hate when people say that therapy is bullshit and therapists don't actually want to help you. Then again, the people who say that never did find therapists who worked for them. Or doctors. Or they just gave up on themselves.
Tomorrow, I see the neurologist. I'd like to try taking the antidepressant Zoloft instead of Savella. Zoloft seems interesting. It's been prescribed off-label for fibromyalgia, as well as other physical pain issues, plus OCD and anxiety and fatigue. My family doctor approves my asking the neurologist about switching from Savella to Zoloft, and I can ask either doctor to prescribe the Zoloft.
I honestly don't know what the Savella is doing. I thought I did. I've been living this way for so long that I can't even tell what makes me happy anymore. I thought I already was happy.
I feel like I can't find the energy to even socialize properly right now, not even online. Writing emails or comments makes me tired. I really do need these doctors. I wish more people were not so ashamed of themselves. Gods forbid they actually find the help they need and start feeling better, right? Help is a good thing. Makes you strong.

Date: 2011-05-16 04:01 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sunnysky.livejournal.com
oh darling, you can absolutely be happy while having depression. there are good days, & bad days, & some days where you just can't tell how you're feeling.

have you ever researched sam-e? i've been taking that over a year now, & it really seems to help ease my anxiety.

Date: 2011-05-16 04:15 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com
I have, I have. The price, no matter where I look, seems ridiculous. But Sam-e is the one supplement I have never tried, so... if I can find one that is affordable and of good quality, I'll see what it does. Tell me more about what it does for you.

Thank you for telling me that this is normal, so to speak. I feel discombobulated. I feel all over the place. I feel like I'm walking on broken glass. I don't know what to DO with myself. Am I allowed to feel this or that? So, I need a comment like yours right now.

Date: 2011-05-16 04:44 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sunnysky.livejournal.com
it is pricey, but i can get a month's supply for $20 from iherb.com. & when i don't take it, i feel very out of control. prior to taking it... hm. let me see if i can explain it.

if we were taking a drive somewhere, & we ended up going the wrong way, or making a wrong turn, i would feel like the whole day was ruined & would feel, well, depressed for the rest of the day, & i couldn't stop those feelings or be cheered up. it was weird, & it was getting worse.

now, since i started taking it, when things don't go as i planned, it's easier to deal. i'm able to shrug it off & say "man, they're out of what i wanted! oh well. i guess i'll get it next time."

i don't cry nearly so much any more, & that's always helpful. i pair the sam-e with st. john's wort, & i seem to be doing okay.

i will tell you, though, that i've never been officially diagnosed with depression. but i can say that i feel much better these days, although winter still drags me down. i really need the sunshine.

you absolutely shouldn't feel bad that you feel this way. you're dealing with chronic pain! of course you're going to be feeling crappy about it! i don't even have that excuse. but life is what it is, & you'll figure this out with the same grace you do everything else. *hugs*

Date: 2011-05-16 09:35 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com
You know, I just looked at the selection on iherb.com and I decided to go with them. That website always has the cheapest shipping!

I'm going to try a small dose, like 200 mg, and see what that does.

You know...

Date: 2011-05-16 04:28 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] xanateria.livejournal.com
I have been in and out of therapy over the years at various times, for various things. A lot of them were related to chronic pain and illness and coping. Some were not. But all of them taught me that if you are getting through your day, you are doing it right, because it you are still going.

And, having been there, I can tell you that once you realize you don`t know what makes you happy, you are far closer to finding it than you might think. And whatever it takes to get you back there, be it meds, therapy, homeopathy, metaphysics or some combination of things, you have every right to feel confused and all over the place while you figure it out. When you are hurting that way, it`s not like the usual physical pain. It drains you because it blocks you from feeling any of the good, even if you want to. Problem is, you get so used to being able to cope with the pain and keep going that you don`t realize this kind doesn`t get dealt with like you`re used to. Hence the not knowing what to do with yourself, because all the previous practice doesn`t help. *sigh* Arrrgh, I am rambling. All of this was my way of saying...it`s okay, it`s not just you and it does get better. I promise.

And good for you for moving forward and being determined to help yourself. *careful hugs*

Re: You know...

Date: 2011-05-16 04:30 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com
Thanks, darling girl. I'm so confused and a little scared of myself. This really, really, really helps so much. I love you. Thanks for sticking by me.

Date: 2011-05-16 08:36 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] oneonthefence.livejournal.com
I know I'm not very mentally "here" right now (thanks, MPD and depression and PTSD and blah blah blah bullcrap), but I AM here for you, even in spirit and thought. You are strong, as strong as I'd like to be, and this is going to be a good, good thing for you. *hugs* <3

Date: 2011-05-16 09:48 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com
Ditto, honey. I'm sorry I can't be "here" enough to really comment in depth on your posts lately, and I've really wanted to, but I'm so tired... Nothing like what you have to deal with, but I know you completely understand. And you will come away from your journey strong and powerful, don't you worry. I WILL be here when you come home. You can even call me or text me.

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