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Breathe Breathe Breathe
Jun. 30th, 2009 08:55 pmI found that copy of Anansi Boys. I feel better.
The Farragut North Metro station was so intensely crowded that there was almost no more room. Trains in both directions were delayed due to mechanical problems, sick passengers, and that ongoing investigation into the fatal crash last week. After ten minutes, I went back up to the streets, and I walked to the Dupont Circle station. I was able to get onto a train there. That train stopped and waited constantly, as trains ahead of it experienced technical and mechanical problems. Passengers grumbled and sighed patiently. Around Friendship Heights, I was able to sit down and realized how badly my back and legs were spasming.
I am no longer panicked and paranoid, now that my fate at work has been decided. I was placed on probation, as my supervisor had not been satisfied with my performance on certain projects. I have until the end of August to improve. Part of me feels strangely slightly relieved. I cannot connect to my boss at all. He won't encourage me, he won't sit down and talk with me, he won't chat about little things, he tells me that I had been hired during a very slow time and the work will get even faster and more frenetic and if I cannot keep up maybe this is not the right place for me, and I agree. I almost want to be someplace else. I love the job and the work, but if I feel unable to really work with my boss, I will make myself miserable and anxious, and I will put myself into month-long flare-ups. I come home every day drained and listless. I am sending my resume out. But the panic lingers, because if they do let me go, I may not find something. I don't know if I want to continue working in law firms, not large ones. I don't know. I just know that I still have a job and I probably will keep it, if my boss thinks I can keep up. This has never happened to me at a job before, but it makes me realize what I actually want and don't want out of a career.
My husband and my mother both encouraged me to trust my instincts, to calm down, to let go, to stop struggling for control, to stop feeling like a failure, to breathe, to breathe, to breathe.
The Farragut North Metro station was so intensely crowded that there was almost no more room. Trains in both directions were delayed due to mechanical problems, sick passengers, and that ongoing investigation into the fatal crash last week. After ten minutes, I went back up to the streets, and I walked to the Dupont Circle station. I was able to get onto a train there. That train stopped and waited constantly, as trains ahead of it experienced technical and mechanical problems. Passengers grumbled and sighed patiently. Around Friendship Heights, I was able to sit down and realized how badly my back and legs were spasming.
I am no longer panicked and paranoid, now that my fate at work has been decided. I was placed on probation, as my supervisor had not been satisfied with my performance on certain projects. I have until the end of August to improve. Part of me feels strangely slightly relieved. I cannot connect to my boss at all. He won't encourage me, he won't sit down and talk with me, he won't chat about little things, he tells me that I had been hired during a very slow time and the work will get even faster and more frenetic and if I cannot keep up maybe this is not the right place for me, and I agree. I almost want to be someplace else. I love the job and the work, but if I feel unable to really work with my boss, I will make myself miserable and anxious, and I will put myself into month-long flare-ups. I come home every day drained and listless. I am sending my resume out. But the panic lingers, because if they do let me go, I may not find something. I don't know if I want to continue working in law firms, not large ones. I don't know. I just know that I still have a job and I probably will keep it, if my boss thinks I can keep up. This has never happened to me at a job before, but it makes me realize what I actually want and don't want out of a career.
My husband and my mother both encouraged me to trust my instincts, to calm down, to let go, to stop struggling for control, to stop feeling like a failure, to breathe, to breathe, to breathe.
