My Little Magic Focus

Just me and my Little Pony. I am adorkable.
Seriously, though, Lotus Star helps me stay calm. I charged her with a personal witchcrafty quantum magic meditation ritual thingy. Every time I hold her, comb her, or even look at her, I allow my amygdala to slowly reset itself to calm and peace, no matter how temporary. That's all I need sometimes. Everything is fleeting yet lovely.
(I also did the same to my Fluttershy and Twilight Sparkle dolls, but since this G3 doll is so different, I gave it different properties. Fluttershy helps me sleep; Twilight Sparkle helps me dream. It works out well.)
I'm going to make sure I have fantastic dreams tonight.



http://www.aquantummoment.com/qenergy/

Spears and pain monsters

When I woke up, I had more energy than usual, so I put it to use. I went for a walk, I read fiction voraciously, I wrote stories like a brain on fire.

I did stuff with the energy I had. Now I am drained. Damn it. I don't use the spoon analogy anymore. I use spears. I have only so many spears to aim and throw at all my syndromes and disabilities, and I am about to run out. Also most of the spears need polishing.

See, it is easier for me to think of weapons with which to battle or pacify my medical conditions. Spears work more visually in my mind. The spoon theory is a lovely analogy, but it never really worked for my brain. I am used to moving through my disabilities with a stabby stabby process, and I find that aiming and hurling stick-like objects helps me focus emotionally, and also spears make good walking sticks. So, I have the Spear Theory. I have a certain amount of spears that I wake up with every day, give or take a couple of handfuls. The more spears I start with, the better I feel and the more energy I have. Every time a symptom strikes, I take aim with one spear, even two or more. The more spears I hurl, the fewer I have left, and the closer the Syndrome Monsters come toward me. As the Syndrome Monsters get closer, I get weaker, and any leftover spears turn into melee edged weapons instead of melee ranged weapons. But by the time I charge into battle, my body is struggling, and I can only do so much. Even if I have just one spear left, I am going to make it count, as I fly into a bloody rage with all the meager strength I have left. Just one more step, and then I can fall over. Just one more spear.

Spoons say, "I have only THIS MUCH reservoir energy and strength for this one day, and once it is gone that is it! Poor me, I'm too weak to make it to tomorrow."
Spears and weapons say, "Okay, motherfuckers, I'm going to take the day as much as I can, I am going to run and attack and defend until I'm drained and exhausted, and then I'm going to crawl, and then I'm going to ask someone to carry me, and when I am finally done, then I will collapse willingly. CHARGE."
It's the Boadicea method of dealing with illness. Probably why Enya's "Boadicea" is a favorite song of mine.

I've got a few left. I'm going to use those spears wisely, even if it has to be close combat. Go me, go me, go go go...

Diamond Steel Rose Lotus Shiny

I kind of feel like throwing a tantrum and whining. You know, "Why meee? I don't wanna hurt like this! Make it stooop! I'm so tiiired!"
But part of growing up and growing wise is learning to understand how far you can raise your limits.
If there is one platitude I will forever hate, it is the "You have no limits, they are all just in in your mind" bullshit. I certainly do have my limitations. I just have to keep pushing them more and more so it takes more strength to reach them, and along the way I slowly grow stronger in my own way. Once I reach those limits, I exhaust myself, then I rest, and then I push the limits even more, because it's a goal, like climbing a mountain. I don't "push past my limits" - I push my limits beyond so I can keep reaching for them.
Just because I have my limits does not mean I can't surpass them. They will always be there, but the farther away they are, the stronger I become as I work toward them.
But I do allow myself the occasional stomping and screaming and getting angry at the pain along the way, because Dealing With It tends to get very old and very exhausting. Being told to slap on a metaphorical bandage and walk it off makes me snarl and growl. Being told to use the pain as a focus makes me determined. My pain can be a weapon in a way.
I have held these powerful masks and walls in place all my life, and eventually I must let them all come crashing down, and I have no idea what will happen then, I just know it will not be pleasant or good at all. I refuse to bow or bend to anyone else's ideas of what it means to push through pain, but I will absolutely work with my own views. If I bend, I won't break. But even if I do break, I will put myself back together. I am a Diamond. I am Steel. I am a Rose. I am a Lotus. I am fragile and powerful and You Can't Tell Me What To Do. Unless I like what you're telling me. Then I will be happy with your advice and your views. But do not ever tell me what I cannot do for myself, because You Are Not Me. I Am Not You. One Person Is Not Another Person. Here, let us trade shoes and figure out what it is really like.
I am full of love right now, I am shining so intensely that I can barely see past my own soul. Who wants some Love? Who wants some Shiny Love? Seriously, I am radiating energy and power so insanely that all three cats are staring at me, all purring, and I can actually sense all the trees in the neighborhood bending slowly toward my house. I have no idea what any of this means, but I do know that I am full of a powerful thing that I cannot explain in words. I will do my best to help you Shine and Feel Loved as I sit here, by myself, with my cats and my toys and my books and my medicines. I am made of stars, just like you. We are the universe exploring its own imagination.
It's All Good.