The Return To Innocence

I originally put these status posts on Facebook, but since this is a journal that I use for journaling when I am thinking thoughts to think about, I'm copying it here.

***
6:45 PM:
I am currently in so much fucking pain everywhere that it hurts to do anything. I feel like my brain is exploding, and my body temperature is going insane; and every muscle, nerve, tendon, ligament, and joint wants to stab each other while horror movie music plays loudly in my screaming mind. I tried to write Stories. It did not go well. My writerbrain wanted to Kill Everyone and that would have been bad. I have been typing glacially with two fingers. I called the disability lawyer's office so they could make a note and I cried, and the assistant was wonderful. She told me to rest and breathe. I will go lie down now. If anyone wants to talk to me, they will have to call. My hands hurt too much to type anything beyond this. But I am typing it because I know people love me and I want to tell them that I will be okay slowly.

8:45 PM:
I am okay now.
I took a nap with all three cats, and then I got up and now I am watching ponies and while I am still in the flare, I feel slightly better.
A dear friend gave me some of the best advice I have ever gotten: There is always strength left for one more step. My body will collapse and fall, and that's okay. I will get back up and keep going. My mind is a powerful thing and I am full of an amazing strength. I will always be able to take just one more step.
I will take a hot shower soon, and watch more Ponies and also Futurama, because my brain always feels better when I do that. Also there is a purring Luna cat on my lap.
So I have a little more strength now. And I will have a little more strength later. And so on. One more step.
Also, my hair is fabulous.

10:45 PM:
Right now, all I can think is "I can't do this I can't fucking do this it hurts so much I am in so much fucking pain I can't do this it has to stop why won't it stop I can't do this" but I know that's just the mental stuff, the emotional stuff, the psychological stuff.
So right now, all I can do is stand up and walk around the house even as every muscle spasms and every nerve burns and every joint cracks and my skin feels too tight and my head pounds and the world spins. I stand up, I walk, I move, I keep going. One more step. One more step. Just one more step, every single time, just one more step.
Also, the cats keep wanting me to follow them and play, and I do what my cats say because they own me.
***

I also wound up taking another dose of Soma, because holy shit it was needed. It's the best thing I have next to codeine, but codeine won't relax muscles; and Soma does a hat trick wherein it relieves the worst of my pain, relaxes the most spastic of my muscles, and enhances my mood if the pain is depressing me. I don't take it every day, but there are times when I need more than two pills per day just to keep from screaming. Also, the Flexeril and Klonopin help a little, depending on what my body is doing. Ah, chronic pain and compound medication.

Occasionally, I'll sing Pinkie Pie songs to myself, in slow whispers, just to keep the levels of dopamine and serotonin and epinephrine elevated so the endorphins will do things. Sometimes it works.

Gaithersburg and Rocville will probably be spared the wrath of Irene. Maybe a few inches of rain and insane winds, I don't know. I do have several gallons of water available, I know where every flashlight and battery-powered lamp is, I have plenty of pain pills and muscle relaxants, and the large freezer is large and freezing. The cats are fine and happy. Rose ate some of my Krispy Kreme glazed doughnut, Luna ate a non-Greenies treat happily, and Jupiter keeps showing me his belly. Adam should be home from work in New York and Pennsylvania tomorrow night. My cell phone will be fully charged all weekend.

My pain is still painy. My left side is still spastic to a very bothersome degree. I did surprise myself by walking around with Charlotte successfully. She did have to carry my purchases from Petco and Trader Joe's for me, but they were heavy anyway. I have more acai juice and the cats have more treats. The nearby Dollar Tree, which always had awesome goods, had awesome goods and I saved over twenty dollars there. Charlotte took me to her grandmother's house, where I met Nana's new month-old kittens, Smokey and Spunky. I haven't seen kittens that tiny in years. It was lovely.

I feel the urge to buy socks this weekend. I love the feel of new socks. Interestingly enough, socks are being sold at the Giant grocery store down the road.

My current beverage, Adina Holistics Herbal Elixir Pomegranate Acai with Yumberry, is beautifully delicious. Tea and juice combined with herbs will always be awesome.

Today was A Day. Also, pain. Therapy revealed some intense things I hadn't realized, and I'm squirming and twitching and trying to formulate plans to make it easier. Nothing's easy. But life finds a way.
The psychotherapist got very very concerned at one point, saying that she heard deeper depression in my voice, and she suggested that I talk to my neurologist about doubling the Zoloft. I'm okay with that. I want to feel better. The thing about depression with anxiety for me is that I don't know I'm depressed until someone says something, because I've been too anxious. I take this to heart.

Afterward, I realized the codeine had started wearing off, and I was hurting. I was hurting and hurting and my breaths were short and whimpering. But I told myself I was strong.
To prove myself, maybe test myself, I went out and walked. A lot. I even shopped a little. I stayed well within my set budget. Granted, it was Whole Foods, but I was smart, and I ignored many shiny things. I finally did find my long-sought goji juices. Also, a small round personal cheesecake. I have no idea why they label cheesecake organic. It's pointless. It did have limited, fresh, good ingredients, but it didn't need that buzz word label. But oh, it was mind-numbingly delicious, so I didn't care.
I was in fucking pain. I'd taken codeine in the morning, because the morning was That Fucking Bad. When I came home, I took Soma, because the afternoon was That Fucking Bad. Some of my joints are still complaining. Shut up, joints.
I wonder what my dreams will be like tonight. Last night it was all about vast mansions and supernatural mysteries. The night before it was all about gourmet foods and sparkling restaurants, and I wasn't even hungry. But I did crave chocolate espresso.
Croissants are among my favorite comfort foods. They make fantastic breakfasts when combined with eggs over easy.

I'm watching more Star Trek on Netflix. Is Kirk ripping his shirt a Thing? It happens a lot.

Whimper. It's like Wharrgarbl, but quieter.


My mother-in-law had this treatment down in Florida, and she can't stop raving about it since it helped her spinal stenosis.
http://www.strokebreakthrough.com/videos/
I watched one of the sciatica videos. It made me cry. I hope people who successfully have the treatment really do well. It sounds rather amazing.
Said mother-in-law called me yesterday to ask about the herb Devil's Claw, which I did know about instinctively. She's taking more supplements than prescriptions, with her doctors' approval. I'm happy that she is feeling so much better.

Speaking of that side of the family, Adam did a sort of travel bounce: He returned from Pennsylvania yesterday afternoon. He took his luggage bag, dumped his clothes into the washer and dryer, then put them right back into the bag. This morning, he woke up at four, went to the shop in Virginia, and flew to Nevada. He's in Las Vegas until Sunday night. He'll be home to Maryland on Monday. We think he will have a few days off after that. He's exceeded his hours for the pay period and then some.

The sciatica has been flaring since this morning. To put it in perspective, the pain is much less painful than when I was seventeen and unable to sleep without an adult dose of codeine. Compared to the year I spent as a teenager screaming every night, this flare is quite controlled. Annoying and irritating, but controlled. Then there is the fibromyalgia flare, the widespread nerve pain, the joint pain, the headache, the sinus pain, the Raynaud's flare, the lumbar pain, the neck pain, the shoulder pain, and the PMS. I'm doing fairly well for wanting to rip the heads off dolls. The medication and stretching is helping. But I am very cold and a bit numb.

I am... very tired. Exhausted. Fatigued. Drained. Worn out. I want to say depressed but I still don't think I'm depressed.
I'm just... tired.

Soon it will rain.
I am in pain.
I took pills and herbs to keep me sane.
I hope my treatments are not in vain.
Rest and calm will soothe my brain.
Agony's loss will be my gain.

Beverages today include: French pressed yerba mate mixed with honey powder and superfruit powder, pumpkin pie coffee mixed with chocolate superfruit power, and pomegranate acai juice mixed with kratom powder.

I am wearing a handmade pendant made from a polished holly blue agate. At the gem show last weekend, Adam bought the agate for me. Yesterday, he took me to Michael's to buy tools like pendant bead caps and velvet cords. In his workspace in the spare room, Adam crafted a raw moonstone pendant as well as the agate pendant using bead caps. He also took my polished kyanite and wrapped it in copper wire and put it on a velvet cord. I've been looking up the metaphysical properties of agate, which is not a stone I'm metaphysically used to. But I love how this blue agate makes me feel, so I think it's a fine stone for me.
http://crystalsandjewelry.com/metaphysical_healing/stoneinfo/agate.html
http://www.crystalreflection.co.uk/Agate-Holly-Blue.htm
http://www.crystalsandjewelry.com/metaphysical_healing/stoneinfo/blue_lace_agate.html
http://www.etsy.com/listing/65121472/holly-blue-agate-rare-healing-meditation

The back spasms started right after I left work. They continued as the train arrived at the above-ground stations heading toward Shady Grove half an hour later. The weather had changed significantly. From a sizzling 98 to to a breezy 75. On the bus, I developed such a sudden, intense craving for sugary sweet treats that I got off the bus near the 7-11, bought stuff, and then decided to try and walk through the pain. The walk from 7-11 to my house takes about thirty minutes. And along the way, I had a lovely conversation with my lower back muscles. They complained and cried; I told them to shove it. The sciatica was bad enough that my toes were numb, on both feet. And the not so funny thing was that Adam had called me at work and told me he wanted to see if he could see a doctor next week, because the toes of his feet were numb from his own sciatica. He wanted to make sure it wasn't that serious, because he had been doing a lot of physical work lately. I am proud of him for wanting to check. I've become increasingly worried. Adam can usually get through intense pain, but this is pretty bad. I find myself in tears more and more, remembering what I went through and desperately hoping that he won't have to endure it.
I just took a Soma pill and am waiting for it to work. I really want a massage, but I have the feeling that if anyone were to touch me, I would start screaming.
I have ice cream, though. Chocolate Haagen Dazs. I wish I knew what the hell happened to my ball of fresh mozzarella. I had half a ball in the veggie drawer yesterday and now it's gone. I'm hoping my roommate didn't eat the whole thing, or I may have to have words with him. I'd been planning on using some of that cheese in my salad. I can buy more on the way home tomorrow; Giant will probably still have a sale. But still. I hate when my food disappears without me eating it.

Gonna go curl up and try to go unconscious for a while. I have Motrin.

I don't like feeling broken for no real reason.
Other than annoying physical disorders and disabilities that I did not ask for, did not bring upon myself, and did not just happen upon after various grievous injuries.

When most people I know say "Ow I hurt" it is because something happened to hurt them. When I say "Ow I hurt" it is because my central nervous system has forgotten what "normal without chronic pain and fatigue" is like. This cycle is otherwise known as "Living Every Day".

In as many days, the third person asked me, in awe, how the hell I am able to live in so much constant pain and still function as completely and normally as humanly possible. My response is to blink in surprise, shrug my shoulders, and say, "It's my life. I have to live it somehow. I have no other choice."

However, it's nice to know that I am admired for my strength and bravery, because I will always need something to get me through this.

Hello, life. Quit pestering me with this crap. Um, please and thank you.

Adam couldn't find a place to cash his paycheck, so he came home and got me, since I have more money in my account -- he'll give me some money on Tuesday. My leg still hurt, but I was happy to help. We went to Home Depot and couldn't find what we needed, so we drove to Lowe's. There, we found a 40-gallon gas water heater that would work very well, much better than our old 30-gallon. We bought pipes and accessories, and it was all still under my budget.
Unfortunately, Adam lost his cell phone between Home Depot and Lowe's. It is either in Home Depot or in a parking lot. When I called it, I got voicemail, which meant it had either turned itself off or was broken. He'll have to get a new one from his boss. Apologies if any of our friends have tried to call him and didn't get an answer.
When we came home, Billy and Charlotte were already there. Charlotte was cleaning the living room and it was nearly spotless.
Charlotte has even made a deal with me: If I pay for her cats' Frontline medications once a month, she will come to my home once a week and clean it as best she can, which will be very, very well. Fifty bucks per month for medication, in exchange for weekly housecleaning, is something I can do. Besides, she says, I'm her best friend and she wants to do something special for me that will lessen my stress. She doesn't want to see me become overwhelmed.

Sidenote/Footnote: Charlotte has a half-sister with epilepsy. While she doesn't often see Tanya, she has observed the woman's behavior enough to recognize certain signs and effects of having partial seizures. Tanya becomes overwhelmed to the point where she can lash out irrationally and become almost incapable of functioning normally. Charlotte tells me that she has seen the same things in me, except I'm better at actually getting past my brain's trappings to do what I need to do -- her sister is very maniupulative. Charlotte has observed that when I try to clean my house, I sometimes become oddly overwhelmed and start having simple partials, merely because I cannot process everything at once. She says that while most people have that problem, it seems to be very common with epileptics, who can often shut down. She has been showing me some tricks to help myself overcome those issues. I'm incredibly grateful.

Adam and Billy have successfully installed and hooked up the new heater. We now have hot water. I love handymen.

The sciatica pain has lessened to a dull pinching. It may not be as bad as it used to be. Stretching more often should help.