The Return To Innocence

Holy random acts of kindness, Batman.
After getting my flu vaccine, I went to look at the cane rack, because they have this beautiful blue and silver one that looks like dragon scales, and I have been waiting for discounts and coupons so I could get it. The price is under twenty dollars, but still.
A middle-aged man who looked so much like Idris Elba that I did a second take, also reached for the blue silver cane. Our eyes met, I smiled briefly. He said, "You know, I bet this would make an awesome magic staff for cosplay."
I grinned and said, "Good plan! I should at least join a game just so I can brag. Or just be my paganish elf self and cosplay every day." Which was blurted out because my filter is so thin.
The Idris Elba lookalike chuckled. "I adore that idea. I just pray to all mighty Atheismo that we aren't going too deep. Like that Tom Hanks movie."
My jaw dropped. "Duuude," I said. "Futurama reference plus obscure D&D rip-off movie nee book reference? Cripple high five!"
We high fived and missed on purpose, stumbling. "Mild cerebral palsy, spastic hemiplegia" I said. "Mild cerebral palsy, diplegia mixed," he said. "And knee arthritis."
"And sciatica," we said in union, surprising ourselves.
"Fibromyalgia and epilepsy and autism too," I added.
He said, "My twin nieces are autistics! Their world is so awesome. I think they prefer me to my brother when they're in meltdowns, they talk about what's going on in detail."
"Awesome!" I said.
At this point, we had been staring at the canes and I had been avoiding too much eye contact. I was about to ask the Idris Elba lookalike about advocacy. Then I saw a gleam in his eye and sensed a topic shift. "Hey, listen," he said. "I'm a proponent of the pay it forward thing. I know we're strangers, but I do know enough about you that you really want the dragon scale cane."
I tilted my head. "Yeeeaah?"
"So, okay." He pulled some pieces of paper from his pocket. "I've got a buy one get one half off for this brand of canes. I will buy you your cane. What do you think?"
I blinked a few times. I looked at him. He wasn't hitting on me. He wasn't being creepy. He was just a fellow cripple offering help.
"Okay," I said, "thank you! That's really kind."
"Hey, the community needs all the assistance we can get from each other. Cripples helping cripples, you know?"
I smiled. "Totally."
As we walked to a register, he said, "I want you to know that I had no intention of hitting on you. I see your rings, and for all I know they could mean something else. But while I think you're a gorgeous-looking person, I have no plans on being a That Guy. I punch Those Guys on a regular basis."
"Huh?"
"Physical trainer. Not so much punch as pinch in sensitive areas. Men can be scum."
I giggled. "Hashtag Not All Men!"
He laughed. "Anyway, let me pay for everything." He nodded at my basket, which had a few comfort items. I immediately said he shouldn't, since he was getting me the cane.
He then put my basket on the conveyor belt, looked at me until I noticed that his eyes had gold rings, and said, "Then pay it forward. Help another cripple." The corner of his mouth turned up. "Even if it's just donating to help someone get better access."
I nodded. I was going to cry any minute. He paid for everything, put his things in two totes and put my things in two more totes. He saved me almost forty dollars.
He said, "I would offer you a ride, but my friend's picking me up so we can go back to Philly. It's been a great road trip so far."
I nodded. "It's cool. I'm going to take the bus home anyway." I was feeling giddy. "Well, obviously we had this encounter for a reason. So. It was lovely meeting you, clone of Idris Elba."
He threw back his head and laughed. "I get that a lot. Same to you, clone of Mia Sara. Anyway, I'm Laurence."
"Joanna."
We fist-bumped and he helped adjust my cane for my height. We walked outside together, and he stood at the curb to wait for his friend while I walked across the parking lot. I turned and waved. He waved back and kept looking at me. I realized it was to make sure I was safe.
I got to the sidewalk crosswalk and peered back. I saw him get into a green SUV. I realized I would probably never see him again.
I am definitely going to Pay It Forward.

***

Also! Links! For future reference!
http://www.neurodiversity.com/main.html
http://cerebralpalsy.org/about-cerebral-palsy/associative-conditions/
http://www.disabilityscoop.com/2013/10/03/autism-common-cerebral-palsy/18775/

***

Also!
PMS is vicious. Although with oral contraceptives, it's technically withdrawal bleeding rather than menstruation. Besides, I haven't truly bled in over a year. Being on the highest dose of birth control for over fourteen years will do that to some women.
PMS is vicious. A veliciraptor chewing through my pelvis. There's a photo out there of a plastic female human skeleton, with a toy raptor stuck head-first through the pelvic bone.
And the bloating and bizarre fluctuations on the bathroom scale.
Having slid back to psychiatric anorexia after failing to control neurochemical anorexia, I know damn well I should not stand on that scale especially during this time. I know damn well that numbers don't mean as much as how my clothing fits. But paranoia bred from life-long anxiety over disordered eating patterns is paranoia. And then there was the entire food=growth=death connection when I was little. And then there was being under a hundred pounds until my mid-twenties. And then there was the anorexia voices insisting that I needed to get back to that, being under five feet tall. I was never overweight. I used to weigh something around the high "set point" - but I have no idea where I've constructed this memory of being convinced to lose twenty pounds. Unfortunately, my illness has burrowed deep enough into my subconscious that my thoughts have turned to the classic hallmarks of anorexia: "I absolutely must be below X number or I will never feel right". The unwillingness to stop. The belief that everything is wrong. I know where I am. I know what's happening. I've been able to compartmentalize and separate enough so that I smack myself when those thoughts occur, so that I at least eat an apple or two, or cheese, yogurt, celery, even cheesecake or dark chocolate. My friends are with me.
Sag Harbor will happen next week, with Thanksgiving. Part of me is in a total blind mute panic. That part doesn't want to eat anything. That part wants to Be Good, Be Perfect. It doesn't matter that I'm over thirty, says the panic. It only matters that I am extremely small and I must keep being extremely small.
To bring everything around again: PMS is not helping. PMS is several numbers upward on the scale because of fluid retention, bloating... losing that fight to not overeat. PMS is barely fitting into the purple dyed jeans yesterday and having them slightly loose today. It isn't helping anything.

But I look at that blue and silver dragon scale cane, bought for me by a total stranger with the same disability as me, and I think the best way I can Pay It Forward is to make sure someone I care for stays as mentally healthy as possible...

Thanks to another trip to Michael's craft store, I have a new set of Faber-Castle Pitt artist pens below Fine, and Calliope has a Beanie Boo dolphin to cuddle, which she has been doing. I have an owl, which seems to work well as a knee pillow.

We went to the nearby Whole Foods as well, where I found my loved chocolate hemp milk, Guayaki Yerba Mate energy shots in Lime Tangerine, Orgain Chocolate Nutrient Shakes, a bottle of Acai+10 Superblend with Seabuckthorn and Mangosteen, and the rare Badger Balm large Lime lip balm. Adam picked up some fabulous cheeses, and a Coffeeholic Cream Cake for me.

Mom called to chat about an NPR medical science podcast about migraines and the placebo effect, and I revealed that forty percent of my smaller headaches can be slightly reduced by intense meditation after taking certain supplement pills. Good talk. Doesn't work all the time, doesn't work for the more intense symptoms, but I know how powerful placebo effects can be for mild and minor pains sometimes.

Luna and Calliope seem to be starting a... well, a tolerance, on Luna's side. As long as I give Luna attention first, she is nice to Calliope during cooperative play, feeding, brushing, etc. As long as Luna Moon knows she is still the precious queen and Calliope Io is submissive, there is peace. And Jupiter has been gently playing with Calliope, with the occasional soft bap on the head. I am pleased overall.

So, while at Whole Foods, I was limping down an aisle with my blue aluminum cane, right behind a tall man who had the same cane, in sparkly black, and we smiled at each other. "So, how are you?" he asked. I said, "Oh, well, the back pain and sciatica are acting up. How about you?" "Yeah, I'm going to need hip replacement and knee replacement soon," he said. "Oh, ouch," I winced. "I can't imagine. I mean, I'm 34, I was born with cerebral palsy, I'm still learning how to use this," holding up my cane. He nodded. "Yeah, my whole left side has been crazy for years." "Oh, mine too! I have spastic hemiplega on the left! The chronic pain has been getting worse for a long time, but I don't need surgery. Yet!" We grinned at each other. He looked around forty or so and over six feet. I could see right away that his joints were bothering him. "Well," he said, "You look absolutely lovely!" I smiled widely and said, "Thank you! You too!" He grinned back and thanked me, then said, "I hope the pain reduces as much as it can." And I said, "Same for you. Good luck with the surgeries." We said our goodbyes and hobbled off. It was as though we had been friends who hadn't seen each other in a while, commiserating in that cripple language that stays away from "Feel better" and steers toward "I hope your symptoms ease up" which, well, we all understand in the chronic pain community.

And that got me thinking. People tell me "You look beautiful/lovely/great" and of course the silent "even though you're in pain" follow-up. And I actually honestly don't mind that at all. It isn't an insult to me. I know they're usually talking about my chronic pain specifically, not my disabilities as a whole. It's an unspoken thing - "You're chipper and glowing and not letting the pain show, rock on with your badass self." I know that so many cripples would see it as a back-handed compliment and insult, because it totally can be. But for me... I guess it lifts my spirits, especially and specifically when a fellow cripple says it and even able-bodied people who may have invisible illnesses. It is something I need to hear from other disabled folks, because even when I think I look hideous and shitty, to hear someone tell me I look great despite my pain makes me happy, which in turn makes me feel psychologically and psychically better, which helps me try to combat the symptoms, etcetera.

So, my fellow chronically ill and disabled folks, how do you react to such a comment? Is it an insult or backhand compliment for you? Is it a lovely compliment? Do you view it differently when it is said by other chronically sick and disabled people as opposed to able-bodied people?

And now something is happening in my brain, and I cannot pinpoint it well enough. It could be another wave of depression, or a wave of panic, or a wave of just... I don't know. I have two dozen medical issues; pick something. It feels as though my brain is physically spasming. My amygdala feels weird, as though it wants to say something and cannot remember.

Adam is off again, so he can take me to my pain specialist, and then maybe we can go to Barnes & Noble so he can get me the Twilight Sparkle plushie to go along with the Fluttershy vinyl doll that he brought home from New York City along with bagels.

We made chocolate chunk cookies, with cream cheese instead of butter. We practiced Reiki. Adam is what I like to call a raw magic mimic. All he has to do is watch someone perform an energy form and he can re-create it in raw form. Like when he was in New York, a random monk brushed past him and slipped a wood bead bracelet around his wrist, whispering, "peace to you, mage" - and with that touch, Adam absorbed that energy, and when he came home he touched me in concentration and I felt so much calm and serenity that it was almost like being high. I guess it's kind of like being Peter Petrelli, or Rogue as she can now control her powers. He can call the energy at will. I'm envious. I need to to that for myself. But maybe I can't. Maybe it wouldn't work if I tried it on myself. Maybe the energy would only move outwards. We shall have to discuss the physics and chemistry and neurobiology behind it.

We've replaced the coffee grinder. It is black. Black fridge-freezer, black big freezer, black oven with black microwave range, black dishwasher. All we need is a black Mr Coffee and a black can opener.

I love my Chobani Lime Greek Yogurt.

Yeah, it's a depression. With a slowly stalking panic attack. Regarding my previous post: I definitely would want a cure for that. It is strangling.

I just realized that I haven't posted in a while, not here. Busy, I guess, reading all those books I haven't read. Damn Kindle devices and all that. Over the weekend, my college best friends came for a visit, the first time since 2001, and it was fantastic. In DC, at the the Smithsonian Museum of American History, I got a wheelchair from security, and Tish and Rin were happy to push me around. The Spy Museum, The Cooking exhibit, the Golden Books exhibit, even the gift shop (at which I bought a Military Space Pen and a copy of The Shy Little Kitten from Little Golden Books, and also a stainless steel water bottle with ninjas on, and a coffee tumbler with kisses and femme fatale quotes on).

Rin taught me about cold-brew coffee, and now I am all about it. Yesterday, I left the French Press brewing from seven at night to eleven in the morning, and today I set it up at seven again... I will probably let it sit until ten or eleven tomorrow morning. I am still astounded by the smoothness, the lack of acidity. It still needs chocolate and sugar (cocoa, maple syrup or honey or palm sugar, cream or whole milk) but I am extremely impressed. Cold brewing overnight in a French press, for around 15 hours or so, makes me happy. And when husband wants his hot coffee, we can empty the press and refill it with boiled water over more grounds - or he can use the espresso maker. Lovely.

Coffee is great! Coffee is great! Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee Coffee... -ahem. Sorry, that was Bender with Fry in the background.

We went shopping, as well, and at Sephora in Chevy Chase I purchased my new currently favorite red lipstick: BareEscentuals BareMinerals Marvelous Moxie Lipstick in "Call the Shots" - the website called it a 'rich scarlet' and it really is. A lovely dark pomegranate neutral red. The formula contains many moisturizing oils and peptides, which of course always matters. Call The Shots is very similar to my beloved BareEscentuals Buxom Full Bodied Lipstick in Provocateur, a true red with pink tones, but the Moxie lipstick has less pink.

We ate Belgian waffles with cream and strawberries, washed down with strong lattes. At home, my cats loved them constantly. When they left on Monday morning, I had happy tears in my eyes.

A migraine plus a tension headache and sinus pressure has been slamming into me since Monday. Today, at my pain specialist appointment, when I told the nurse about it, she grinned and said, "So, everything is fine and normal, huh?" and we laughed.

Ah, my head.

So, I had a lovely shopping day Saturday. And I proved to myself that I can certainly haul around up to fifteen pounds of bagged cat litter, get in a vehicle, and get home, if I had no one to drive me to a store. While Adam, Charlotte and I were at PetSmart, I bought a bag of "Arm&Hammer Essentials Natural Clumping Litter", which made the claim that due to pine and baking soda, the litter did the work of thirty pounds at half the weight. I imagined that if it worked, it would be the easiest litter to get by myself when taking a bus (Also, previous Arm&Hammer brand litters had worked very well and I had heard lovely reviews for this one).
Adam and Charlotte had gone to Home Depot, so while waiting for them, I carried the bag around for a few minutes, testing it on my shoulders, in my arms, by each hand, etc. Then I found canned food and treats and got a cart, and by that time I found Adam and Charlotte in the fish section, getting a new fish tank stand.
Previously we had been at Wal-Mart, where I bought a few needed toiletries and socks for half the price at a CVS, Adam got all his tires replaced, and we got a few new things for the new downstairs. Charlotte and I also found paint for my work room. We had brought along my little Fluttershy toy, explaining to the highly amused lady that we wanted to try and color match the yellow body of the My Little Pony. The color matching machine couldn't work with the toy since the toy kept casting a shadow at all angles, and the computer didn't get the yellow properly, so we just physically matched Fluttershy against a bunch of swatches and came away with Canary Song.

(Which got me realizing that I really needed to tell people: Just because I love the TV show doesn't mean I want to see or hear about everything possibly related. This realization came after Adam showed me a photo of a handmade cloth doll of a "Ghost Pony" that was one of the freakiest, creepiest, most nightmarish things I have ever seen. People have been sending me erotica art, random pictures, and bizarre fanfiction. Don't do that. Please don't send me Pony porn. For the love of Luna, please don't do that. At least ask me first. Same with TMNT, Futurama, Simpsons, Adventure Time, and pretty much everything I've mentioned that I like. Sometimes I just enjoy something simply to enjoy it - although I am proud to own Pony and Ninja Turtle clothing, toys, etc. As for Futurama and others, I just watch and quote, that's all, fini.)

Also, my neck is ridiculously stiff and painful. My head is throbbing and might at some point become a migraine. Stupid head.

Also, now the fish tank is back downstairs. My work room feels more open and quiet. Although I might miss falling asleep to the humming and bubbling of the filters.

Forgot who asked the question, but here's my answer:

My favorite drugstore lipstick is Revlon ColorBurst Lip Butter (Red Velvet and Cherry Tart). Even though it contains hybrid petrolatum, it contains enough moisturizing butters, oils, waxes, and peptides to make it fantastic. My favorite drugstore lipgloss is Sally Hansen MoistureTwist Lipgloss (Cherry Twist and Berry Blend). It contains supreme botanical oils and peptides and is amazing. My other favorite drugstore lipgloss is Physician's Formula Plump Potion (Clear).
As for lip balms, my favorite drugstore lip balms are Mission Skincare Mega Balm Lip Refresher balms (Acai Lemonade, Blueberry Pomegranate) and Blistex Cold & Allergy Lip Soother. If the drugstore offers Badger Balm, I love Poetic Pomegranate, Mocha Cocoa, Red Jasper Tint, Cuticle Care, and After Sun Balm. I would include Burt's Bees acai and mango balms, but the brand is overrated in my eyes.
Something very specific and exclusive to CVS that I use as a lip balm is Nuance Salma Hayek Smoothing Anti-Aging Eye Cream. It smells and tastes very good and feels great on my lips. I love when I can use one product for multiple purposes.

I am also insanely in love with It Cosmetics Vitality Lip Flush products in Pretty Woman, Love Story (lipstick), and In Love (lip butter), which I get from the websites ItCosmetics and Drugstore.

And there is also Buxom Full-Bodied Lipgloss in Hot Mama and Hey Baby which I can get at Sephora. And also BareMinerals Natural Lipstick in Red Zin and Passion Fruit and BareMinerals Amazing Lipcolor in Bravado and Courage.

Also, when I have the money, I like to really splurge on good lip balms. My current favorite splurges are KaplanMD Lip 20 Balm Ultra Hydrating Treatment, and EnvyDerm Intensive Lip Renewal Therapy, which are sold by the website Dermstore. The ingredients are worth it and the balms last forever anyway. 

Dear Friends:
If you are considering buying me stuff for Winter Holiday, please consider the following:
I don't want a Kindle or Nook or e-reader of any kind, unless it is a full tablet computer device. (I have a Kindle For PC and I am completely happy with it on my laptop.) I don't want random movies, toys, or other things you think I like; I'd rather you ask me first. I have OCD issues with receiving things unexpectedly that I might not want.
I do want things like books, gift cards to book stores like Amazon.com, or DVD box sets of Futurama. Or gift cards to stores like Sephora, The Body Shop, Ulta, Whole Foods, Roots, etcetera. I would rather be taken shopping or given access to shop, rather than be given gifts by surprise. I know that sounds weird, annoying, and complicated, but I would rather warn people now.

Now that all of that has been said, what I would absolutely love would be this:
http://www.6pm.com/ariat-fatbaby-zip-driftwood-brown-brown?zfcTest=mat%3A1
(Size 6 or 5.5)
My old Fatbaby boots are old, so more is awesome.

We made brownies. We added a few drops of pure undiluted Sea Buckthorn berry oil, whose taste is incredibly difficult to describe. It gives the brownies a sweet, tart, juicy, exotic, heavy edge. Super major power antioxidant brownies are go.
http://montecho.wordpress.com/2010/08/10/a-taste-of-sea-buckthorn/

Adam will leave for work tomorrow, get on a plane to Las Vegas, and spent the next two weeks working at the convention. We decided to go to Tuesday Morning to see about their luggage cases, since Adam goes through them every three to six months. One of the employees recommended a hard-shelled London Fog luggage at a deep discount. Adam will see how it holds up in six months. We went to Grand Mart to pick up a few food items for me, and wound up with organic coconut milk, organic dairy milk, various snacks, fruits, and vegetables, minced garlic, eggs,, beverages, and miscellaneous snack items. Enough for me to have until he comes home.

I have SO MANY BOOKS to keep reading. That in itself will take two weeks. Tomorrow, I pick up the refilled prescriptions from my pain physicians, and on Friday I see my neurologist to bring her up to date on my life, my seizures, my disability winning, my new pain doctor, and seeing if all my brain drugs can be transferred to her for prescription refills. I'm relived that things are falling into place.

I just had one of the best days ever. Cat food on massive sale at Unleashed By Petco plus coupons. Stuff on sale at Trader Joes. Prescriptions ready at CVS. Doughnuts and cheesesteaks from the same shop. Watching My Little Pony! I am in pain, yes, but the Ultram is helping. Now I am working on a short story while I internet my brain off. This was totally my kind of day. My best friend B. came over and took me out to run errands, so I was able to put lots of stuff in a car. It was lovely to hang out and just be happy without having to really do anything. I'm not a club person or a bar person or a pub person. I don't care to join a massive group unless I can have two or three friends to talk to alone. This is the type of day I like and want. So I am happy right now.

This is my "Yes, I am quite awesome, thank you!" photo.



The new haircolor is still Redken Chromatics, but now a warm natural medium brown. More golden brown, less auburn, like my hair back when I was seven through eleven, before I got a pixie cut and then hit puberty. My hair then turned from stick straight to very wavy and medium golden brown. I still don't know how I had bright fiery auburn hair when I was five. Maybe I was a calico of some sort.
My celebratory treat to myself is Too Faced Exotic Eyeshadow in Midnight Mist. It goes from shimmery metallic dark blue to shimmery metallic dark purple depending on how I move. In fact, Midnight Mist almost exactly matches an eyeshadow that I saw in a dream I had a few days ago, so the price was worth it - although I got $4.00 off because I'm an Ulta member.
I figured I deserved a cosmetic product that flowed the way I flow. Things are changing and I am flowing in many directions at once.

Adam will be away overnight, back home, and then off again from Saturday to Wednesday. There is plenty of food and stuff for me in the meantime, and I have cash now. Tomorrow I'll be making phone calls to pain specialists, orthopedists, and psychiatrists until I can make appointments. Fascinating things are happening. And while I am no longer constantly anxious in a bad way, I am anxious about my future in a good way. Unsure of which directions I should go, trying to figure out how I want to let my new life unfurl. The roller coaster is so much smaller and not so scary now. It is going to be an amazing ride.