The Return To Innocence

BTW, I'm officially on MediCare Part B (retroactive as of November) and earlier my Part C Aetna Medicare ID Card arrived, which won't be active until January 2014. It is all good. It will still save over a hundred dollars a month between all insurance and drug coverage. All my doctors are covered, all my drugs will be cheaper, and I have carefully read, re-read, and examined all the paperwork with a magnifying glass (no, really). So December's SSDI check will be less two months' insurance payments, and then January's check will also be less the Part C payment, but it is all good, because it is still cheaper than what I am paying under MHIP Carefirst in general. I feel... well, I don't know if "lucky" is the best word. But it is not as bad as it could have been. I mean, I also ride Metro and local bus transit for free thanks to being disabled and a member of Metro Access paratransit system.

Some fully able-bodied people like to scold me for feeling grateful that I am disabled enough to qualify. It's not about that 'grateful' feeling or that whole "skip to the front of the line" thing. It's not about any of that. It's... I dunno. It's about taking whatever disordered damage you have and turning it into a personal individual advantage that works in your favor. It's about accepting and embracing the awful pained cracked parts of life and seeing that they have been opening all these shiny doors, after slamming closed other doors so furiously that the whole building shakes and walls crumble. You may never be able to walk through those slammed locked bolted doors that most able-bodied people get to glide through easily, but you have all these other doors opening just for you, ready to lead you to places where you, personally, will feel more comfortable, accepted, embraced, and understood on a level secure with your disordered damage. It's not your fault, and the places these doors lead you are fully aware and have already set up a spot for you. You are always safe in those spaces in between.

Like... having mild disabilities. For example: Having mild cerebral palsy is like being in interstitial places constantly - interstice being a small space that lies between things; a space that intervenes between things. Neither completely here nor there. A space in between. A crack in the continuity. Mild autism in that nobody believes me until they spend a few word-filled hours trying to decipher my brain languages. Mild ADD and mild OCD and mild/moderate but fierce migraines and headaches and mild/moderate but fierce epileptic complex partial seizures and mild/moderate but fierce chronic pains and mild inflammations and and this and that. Mild mild mild. Haunting and interstitial. Never bad enough to cause me to be rushed to a hospital, never simple enough to merely pass by with a handwave. I am those spaces in between, as are many, many, many people with certain neurologies. We are in those cracks. Oh, they say, it's all right, they're not too bad, they could be worse, they say. And then what?

Any fellow disabled folk and people who understand want to chime in? Am I making enough sense here? I feel like I am.

"Sometimes the only way I know how to work through something is by writing..."
Hi.

"Now I know that the number one rule to being cool is to seem unfazed, to never admit that anything scares you or impresses you or excites you. Somebody once told me it's like walking through life like this. You protect yourself from all the unexpected miseries or hurt that might show up. But I try to walk through life like this. And yes, that means catching all of those miseries and hurt, but it also means that when beautiful, amazing things just fall out of the sky, I'm ready to catch them. "

I need this. I've spent my entire life catching all of those hurts, and sometimes those hurts are beautiful and amazing - because they live inside of me. Even the painful parts. Even the Monsters. I don't always declare war on the symptoms, I often imagine myself using psychological coping mechanisms, transporting my quiet self to a Zen garden with cats and sunlight and wildflowers, as the warrior parts of my brain battle those Pain Monsters with spears and war cries. It is a mind over matter dance that does not erode the symptoms, but helps me work with and deal with them. I apply creative writing to cope and to run to other worlds in my mind.

It is seen as Positive Thinking. But I tend to flinch at that term, because it is usually followed up with a sunshine up the ass platitude. I do apply a method of positive thinking to my conditions, disorders, and disabilities. But it is my own personal method, and whenever someone tries to insist that I use a different method, I naturally stand firm and stare them down. This is why I am happy that all of my doctors, specialists, and therapists are extremely willing to help me achieve my own positive thinking, because it is my own, and I know exactly what I want from it.
Unfortunately, it also makes me extremely vulnerable to criticism. I am probably Doing It Wrong. I am probably Wanting To Be Chronically Ill All The Time. I am probably Magically Convincing Myself That I Am Getting Worse. I Obviously Am Not Thinking Positively Enough - because my biggest coping mechanism is to write it down, and to share my newest findings with people I love and with people who understand my situation. At least, those are my assumptions. I made a few poor assumptions and lost a few acquaintances. But I moved on. Now, I am still writing, still speaking out. Now, I am determined to hold on to my personal method of positive thinking no matter who tries to change that method.

That is why I love this message from Sarah Kay. No one else can work inside my mind like I can. Each of us has the power to think positively in a way that works for us and us alone.

The next time somebody tells you that you need to stop doing it This way and start doing it That way, think long and hard about it before you even reply. Some things are just not worth debating. Sometimes all you can do is smile and nod and say "Thank you for the advice" - and move on. It is your mind, after all.

http://dotsub.com/view/e8f7d701-e410-464d-9051-eeae8a1ddd44/viewTranscript/eng

http://www.upworthy.com/watch-the-ted-talk-that-inspired-two-standing-ovations?g=2

I will probably listen to this video enough to memorize or recite most of it, and my poor memory will do its best to hold it close.

This has been running around my head for a few weeks and I've been wanting to get it just right, so other people with disabilities and chronic illnesses can know that they're not alone and that if they're afraid, we can be afraid together.


To quote a friend:

"I’m not very functional. If you see me out and about, I’m either doing well, or I’m going to pay dearly for it later. Probably both."

What this means is that on the surface I might appear perfectly fine and normal in every aspect almost all the time. What this means is that as time goes on, I'm going to be worn down, exhausted, and unable to properly, correctly finish all the things I was doing well.

What this means is that if I have been able to recite entire poems, paragraphs, television dialogue, and instruction lists, I will be unable to do so when I go into a fog. I have been accused several times of lying about my memory disintegration, because if I can remember specific things constantly it must mean I have a perfect memory for everything. Here is the thing about the human brain and memory: Memory is insane. It is fickle. It lies all the time. It writes fanfiction of your life. Just because you can quote everything said by a character in a television show does not mean you have a good memory. It just means that when your brain is in a good place, you can quote everything said by a character in a television show - although these days I cheat by looking it up on Google because I actually can't recall everything. It just looks like I can. That's the trick. I seem so normal.
The point is, when someone is diagnosed with brain disorders such as memory disintegration, it means that it is happening now. Everything is happening now, has been happening for years, and will happen until death.

I have been accused several times of lying about my level of physical disability, because if I can walk and run without a cane for a few hours it must mean I don't actually need the cane or any sort of assistance. I have been accused several times of deliberately wanting my symptoms to get worse, of living inside my disorders so that I don't have to face reality, which aggravates and irritates me, since it is the exact opposite of what I actually do - reality is happening no matter what I believe, and my reality is that I am permanently disabled and I am not getting better. The thing about cerebral palsy is that patients as young as twenty-five will begin to feel physically aged due to wear and tear on their muscles, joints, bones, and nerves. This is called Post Impairment Syndrome.To quote: Post impairment syndrome is a combination of symptoms that affect adults with cerebral palsy. According to the National Institute of Neurological Disorders and Stroke, this combination includes fatigue, pain, arthritis and weakness that is often a part of daily life. This symptom is due to the muscle abnormalities and bony changes that happen as you age with cerebral palsy. You can use three to five times more energy each day than an able-bodied person just to complete your daily living activities. This extra expenditure of energy combined with the spasticity and extra wear on the joints is a hallmark symptom of adults who suffer from cerebral palsy.

What this means is that when I say that I feel sixty at age thirty, I really mean it. I am not exaggerating or subconsciously causing it. What this means is that no amount of positive magical thinking and no amount of disbelieving my conditions will make me better; I might feel better for a while after psychically insisting that I don't hurt too badly, but eventually that will stop working and the symptoms will strike even harder, especially if I have been highly active from my positive magical thinking and my belief that I was not in pain. What this means is that I can decide my symptoms are gone and my bodily systems will just laugh; for someone like me, there is no power to make myself not have symptoms. What this means is that my problems are not temporary inconveniences that I can massage, medicate, meditate, and wish away... when I explain that I feel decades older, I really mean it, and I cannot slowly heal myself just by forcing myself to feel better.

Having a permanent physical disability means that I cannot just recover easily. Having a chronic pain disorder means that I cannot just force pain to disappear. What this means is that no matter what, I will be living alongside my medical issues.What this means is that I am never the same from one minute to the next.

What this means is that I really need to quit talking about my health conditions with people who don't want to know. I make too many assumptions when acquaintances and random people ask about my conditions. I have to remind myself that they don't want to hear about it. I have to remind myself that people will start thinking that I do want to live inside my medical conditions if I talk about them in so much detail. I have to remind myself to simply say things like, "I am reasonable" and "I'm disabled with cerebral palsy" and to expand only if asked. When I get scolded, snapped at, accused, and told that nobody wants to know about my medical issues, I often don't understand what is really happening. I need to remind myself that social interaction means holding back. And this is why most social interaction makes me want to curl up and hug a book, because books don't scold me for trying to talk about myself. Also, cats. Cats just want me to pet them.

****
Long quote, which I am quoting because many people I have met over the past few months literally do not believe that my health is declining on its own, and they literally believe that I could just make myself feel better with magical thinking, ie positive thinking, law of attraction. This is also why I've joined support groups. Being told "You're making your disability worse on your own" is starting to chip away at my optimism. I'm making this public so those new acquaintances can read and come to their own conclusions.

All Americans are living longer than people did years ago, and people who have cerebral palsy (CP) are no exception. For people with disabilities, however, living to an old age is a new phenomenon. We are just now learning what it means to grow older with a disability.

Although much of the information we are gathering on the topic is discouraging, there are strategies to make aging with a disability a more successful experience. “I have seen many advances in diagnoses and treatments since I was young,” said Bonnie Witt, an adult who has cerebral palsy. “People with disabilities are living longer, more productive lives. Doctors who treat adults with disabilities are navigating uncharted territory. This is a fairly new area of medicine, so—in a small way—we are pioneers.”

Symptoms of Aging Appear Earlier

People without disabilities reach the peak of their physical function between ages 18 and 25. After that, their abilities decline about 1 percent per year. At age 70, therefore, people without disabilities are likely to have about 50 percent of their top lung function, 50 percent of their peak kidney function and so on.

Even before their abilities begin to decline, however, people who have disabilities typically don’t reach the same highest points of physical function that people without disabilities do. And when the decline begins, it might be steeper in people who have disabilities. Author and Professor Bryan Kemp reported that people with disabilities show a decline of 1.5 to 5 percent per year after reaching their highest level of physical function.

In addition, people with disabilities experience aging-related changes years earlier than their non-disabled peers do. Although study results vary, aging-related changes generally occur 20 to 30 years after the onset of a disability. For people who have CP, such changes can occur in the 20s, 30s or 40s.

Pain Is Common

Pain is the most common initial problem for adults with CP. Studies show that most of the older adults who have CP report daily pain. One-third report constant pain.

The hip, knee, back and neck are the most common sites of pain. Medication is the most common treatment for pain. Studies show that 92 percent of people with CP report that exercise helps their pain symptoms, but only 49 percent report that they exercise even infrequently. People with disabilities use other methods of pain treatment, such as biofeedback or counseling, less frequently than people who don’t have disabilities do.

People with CP who walk have the most problems with pain, because their gait and movement patterns cause abnormal wear and tear on their bodies. That leads to arthritis. Twenty-five percent of people with CP who walk as children lose that ability as teens or adults. Others stop ambulating in their 40s because of pain. For all people with CP who continue to walk, distance is compromised—in other words, they can’t walk as far as they used to.

Additional Issues

People who are in pain typically experience more fatigue than other people do, so they tend to do less and rest more. When people are less active, they lose strength and endurance. Less strength means less ability to perform necessary or enjoyable activities, and it results in a decreased ability to care for oneself. That, in turn, can lead to depression, a need to ask more from family members or a need to hire more assistance. The effect on relationships and the corresponding financial consequences are obvious.

Falls are very common in adults with CP. Reports show that 40 percent of adults with CP fall at least once each month, and 75 percent fall every two months. In fact, falling is so common that most people do not even think of reporting the falls to their doctors.

Because the risk of breaking a bone increases with age, it’s important to improve strength and to plan movements, as much as possible, to reduce the incidence of falls. Other problems that occur in people who are aging with CP include increased bowel and bladder problems and more joint contractures.
***

Because it is too important to not keep reading over and over. Also, spears.
http://internal-acceptance-movement.tumblr.com/post/61136577036

Oh, damn. I forgot to celebrate my first SSDI Approval anniversary on July 10th. Eh, better late.
Besides, as of August, I'll have my Medicare Part A activated - and I did turn down Part B, because I like Carefirst too much.
I hope I made the best decision for now, since it's not like I am so bad that I am constantly in and out of clinics and such. Right?

http://brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com/2012/07/10/
http://brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com/2012/07/11/
http://brightlotusmoon.livejournal.com/1530741.html

Also, I have so many random head and face pains. It could be so many things. Migraine, eye strain, neck pain, tension headache, dry sinus, jaw pain, cranial nerve pains, bone issues. Last night it was so excruciating I couldn't sleep. Finally, after Adam helped me with Reiki and massage, I muttered something about "dammit, taking drugs now" and got my two strongest prescriptions: Soma and Codeine/Tyenol. At 12:45, I swallowed them down with sea buckthorn oil to hide the taste and coffee to also mask the taste. I woke up again at 1:45 and there was some mild improvement, like some of the ice pickers had packed up and gone home. At 2:30, I glanced at the clock and realized that there were only a couple of little sharp, shocking stabs here and there around my nose and cheeks and skull, and I could live with that. I didn't even hear Adam's alarm at 7:30. I slept straight through until noon. Rose lay herself on my torso and nibbled my cheeks and jaw and licked me. Then I fell out of bed using the cane nearby, took my necessary pills (pharmaceutical and supplement) with that amazing cold-brew coffee with almost no acidity, took a long very hot shower, took more Soma and Codeine with Klonopin, stretched very very gently, and realized I would be okay to look at a computer screen for a couple hours at a time. Good.

I always knew it would get much worse and that I would fall so hard. But at this point, I don't even notice. The feathers are heavy but soft.

I stretched the hell out of my back and legs and arms. It was lovely. I did it my way. I am very pleased and very satisfied. I won't discuss the various burning barbed wire pains that are distracting me even through the codeine, but I will talk about the beautiful meditative exercises I've been working with. Peaceful, serene, tranquil, calm, relaxing, refreshing, fantastic in multiple ways. The scene always changes, but always appears Zen in some way.
I had mentioned that my human coping mechanisms, my spirit guardians, had begun communicating with each other deep in my brain without my conscious knowledge, which leads me to believe that parts of my brain are starting to come together as part of the story, as my unlimited imagination and writerbrain is starting working on a whole new, amazingly unique, private story all on its own. No wonder I have been working on Amber's story beyond these bits of my brain. Amber has also given me free reign to write her as a fully developed character and not just a created coping mechanism.
In general, I am just... very happy.
And the funny thing is that I am in a depressive episode. I have all the symptoms, and I am quite conscious and aware. But I have things that are helping distract me: Talking about my imagination and my creativity, talking about the triggers for my panic attacks and my simple seizures, talking about comedy TV shows and powerful fiction books. Somehow it all is able to keep the major depression away, although it is a very intense fight. Sometimes I find myself weak and struggling, even physically, as thoughts of worthlessness and hopelessness, frustration and terror, pessimism and guilt all slam into me and my wall and my shell.
I suppose I could say I am happy. I feel happy.
But... what is happiness?
"Happiness is a mental or emotional state of well-being characterized by positive or pleasant emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy." Sure, I feel those things. However, there is a strong undercurrent of the exact opposite.
Brains, man. Brains are wild. Brains are weird. Brains are so complex. One day, I want to have an MRI and see exactly what my brain is doing. I want to sit with multiple brain specialists for hours on end, and just... talk. I want to talk about my brain.
Brains, man.

Well, now that I've learned how to properly pronounce "Hypoxic-ischemic encephalopathy" I can do more thorough research into how the brain lesions from periventricular leukomalacia damaged those particular sections of my brain.
As cerebral palsy is a static encephalopathy, yet always comes with co-morbid and co-existing disorders that are progressive, cerebral palsy can sometimes be confused with a disease that progresses. But no. The damage has already been done and cannot change. However, the extent of that damage can spawn syndromes and conditions over the years that can still cause permanent and progressive damage to the brain and the body. Which basically means that I get to smack anyone upside the head who insists that I can be completely cured. Because it's funny.

Also, this is accurate:
**
Periventricular leukomalacia (PVL) is a type of brain damage that involves the periventricular white matter of the brain. Damage to white matter results in the death and decay of injured cells, leaving empty areas in the brain — called lateral ventricles, which fill with fluid (a condition called leukomalacia).
The brain primarily consists of white matter and gray matter. Gray matter has neural cell bodies, which can initiate nerve impulses, while white matter transports impulses between gray matter cells. The periventricular white matter that surrounds two horseshoe shaped cavities in the brain is primarily responsible for the transmission of nerve impulses that control motor function. Damage in this area can result in spasticity and intellectual impairment.
Myelin is an integral component of white matter that coats and essentially insulates cell pathways, promoting speedy transmission of nerve impulses. Damage to myelin slows and impedes nerve transmission, possibly impairing brain function.
Approximately 60-100% of infants with periventricular leukomalacia are diagnosed with cerebral palsy. Four to 26% of premature infants placed in neonatal intensive care units have cerebral palsy. In severe cases, postmortem examinations have discovered that 75% of premature infants who died shortly after birth had periventricular leukomalacia.
Experts believe intrauterine infections are the underlying factor for periventricular leukomalacia. Membranes around the fetus are affected by the release of toxins, which travel through amniotic fluid to selectively injure areas of the developing brain. These toxins can also cause premature rupture of the membranes and premature birth.
**

In conclusion: Whenever someone thinks they're insulting me by telling me I am brain-damaged, I always say "Thank you! I am brain damaged! I'm impressed you noticed!" Which confuses them so much that they just stop talking altogether. And then I feel happy.

SCIENCE!

Call me Courage.
It takes a lot of strength to talk about life like this.

So, I just "woke up" splayed uncomfortably in my comfortable leather task chair, head lolled to the right, mouth open and drooling, left side full of hemiplegic hypertonic hemiparesis, right side spasming in its own way, brain stuffed with cotton, voices inside me screaming "GET UP, GET UP, OPEN YOUR EYES, DO IT NOW. JOANNA! WAKE UP!" Voices I recognized as Alicia, Serena, Amara, and Amber - all four of my spirit guides, aka healthy multiplicity selves, aka characters I created long ago that took on lives of their own deep inside my damaged brain. I have never, ever heard them in chorus. I felt something like a massive SHOVE - very similar to a hypnic jerk, which is actually extremely common during testings for epilepsy. Hypnic jerks, also known as hypnogogic jerks, night starts, and sleep starts, are those weird sensations you get between deep sleep and waking when you suddenly feel as though you have fallen onto your own bed from high above.
There was no panic in those cries, simply intensity. They were all desperate to bring me around. See, Alicia is the one who guides me through the seizures and brings me to Serena, who guides me though the pain. If needed, Amara steps forth to ease the anxiety, panic, and fear. And although Amber has kept silent and hidden for decades, Amber is the one who soothes my entire soul and my entire consciousness with a blend of magics and quantum physics that I still cannot translate into common words. However, they have always been separate and individual. The only ones who have ever communicated in any way have been Alicia and Serena, if only to pass me between each other with nods and whispers.
And so I awoke, or came out of the seizure, twisted and deeply exhausted from cerebral palsy complexities, compounded by fibromyalgia, sensory processing disorder, synesthesia, and hypersensitivity. For several agonizing moments, I did not know where I was - and the only reason I knew my own self was because the Guides poured all my memories quickly into my mind, into the live, non-damaged bits of my brain. I know that doesn't make any real medical neurological sense, but I cannot explain it any other way. The only reason I am typing this up is because my hands are moving of their own accord. I have a silly feeling that Serena and Amber might be helping me. Keep in mind that these women are not "real" - they are fictional characters. And they know it. But they are parts of my mind and have always been. I am still wracked with deep anxiety, and Amara is wrapping me in the most comforting... things? Images and sensations of fabrics. Ideas of beautiful imagery? Tiny mewling soft kittens happy and adored and warm? Anything to keep me calm and happy and anything to keep me from breaking down in screaming tears. I can feel an episode of clinical major depression creeping up on me.
And I still do not know why any of this is happening. I have lost small memories of today. I do not mourn them too much. I just want to feel better.
Can someone tell me a story, please? Any kind of story?

It was 1:40 in the afternoon by the time I finished this post; I began at 1:09.
I woke up at 11:30 only because my husband roused me and put a can of energy drink to my lips while helping me lift my upper body, right before my cat Rose sat on me and licked my whole face, until I managed to fall carefully off the edge of the bed, hobble to the bathroom, and take a hot shower while leaning against the wall. Wrapping my hair in a towel at least helped stretch my neck and shoulder muscles. I stumbled back to the bedroom, got partially dressed, swallowed my morning drugs and supplements (Trileptal, Klonopin, Ultram, Picamilon, L-Tyrosine, Guarana, Hyaluronic Acid, Ashwagandha, Devil's Claw, DMAE, Raspberry Ketones, Sea Buckthorn) with coffee (made with cocoa, milk, cocoa, sugar, and cocoa). I got fully dressed fell onto the bed, struggled back upright, performed very gentle exercises reminiscent of certain basic yoga poses with extreme modifications, pulled some muscles in my lower back, applied heat massage, complained to my cats out loud since they couldn't tell me that my only limits were mental, bad attitudes, set by myself, because my cats loved me without telling me how to do things.
And so now I am sitting at my work desk with my cocoa coffee, Futurama via the Roku box on my 20 inch flat screen TV, the fish tank full of happy serene fish doing happy serene fish things. The codeine and baclofen I just took have taken effect, and I feel human. You know what it's like to not feel human, or normal, or easy, right, internet? Are you sure? Because I see so many articles about how easy it is to break limits, or not even have limits by - get this, ha ha - pretending you don't have limits. I just wanted to show you what my days are like. Because it's going to continue. Soon, I'm going to take afternoon supplements (MSM, Biotin, Inositol, Noni, Mangosteen, Goji, Pau D'Arco, Shilajit, NAC, and the drug Soma - and if you worry that I take too many pills in a day, I am going to laugh very loudly and point to all the people who take even more pills, by which I mean prescription pharmaceuticals alone because supplements don't work for them).
And then I will gently exercise some more, and have I mentioned that through all this I write and edit fiction stories, that novel I sent to a major publisher and agent, blog posts, and long discussions with beloved online friends? And I will read three books at once, maybe four, bit by bit, and since my husband is actually home from work I will spend time with him. And then in the evening, I will take my nightly medicine (Ogestrel-Hi, Trileptal, Zoloft, Soma, Apple Pectin Fiber, Chia Seed, Passion Flower), and crawl into bed like a bruised person, hopefully make fantastic love with my husband and have a wonderful, pain-relieving orgasm or four that will help me sleep blissfully (because sometimes it hurts too much to have sex but I do it anyway because it counts as medicine). And then I will wake up, either to see my husband off to work or to rouse myself, probably not until after 10:00 AM or so, and it will all continue, probably with additional errands and house chores.

There it is, internet. You have now seen my daily disabled life. I got lucky when I was approved for SSDI in 2012; I am lucky that I get enough monthly payments to keep me going alongside my husband who works himself bruised. I am lucky that all my limbs actually work, even if they hurt constantly in various ways. I am lucky that I haven't been to a hospital since 2007, and that was for a concussion and seizure. I have a lot of luck on my side. I also have a lot of limits. So, dear internet, please do not tell me what I should do with my limits unless you mean to help me move those limits a little higher so I don't need to push, I just need to move up more. Pushing my limits is fine, but I would rather move those limits up more so I have more room to go before I run up against those limits again.

Ah - I forgot to add that on the days when depression and anxiety attack, I am often physically unable to do much for several hours. But nobody needs to hear about that. Clinical depression is still stigmatized so severely that I still feel very uncomfortable discussing it. Also, I didn't mention the tiny complex moments when the cerebral palsy trips me up in many ways, because that would take forever. And I didn't mention the specifics of epilepsy, or fibromyalgia, or any neurological and neuropsychological conditions like ADHD Inattentive and OCD and Dyscalculia. Nor did I mention the specifics of fibromyalgia or various nerve issues, because who cares? That's boring. But it is all there.

Also, for those wondering why I take raspberry ketones, which have been touted as some sort of weird weight loss miracle:
http://ezinearticles.com/?Raspberry-Ketones---6-Health-Benefits-Of-This-Natural-Remedy-Now-Revealed&id=6875845
They are actually highly antioxidant, a brain tonic, an anti-inflammatory, slightly analgesic, full of good omega fatty acids, and good for digestive health, with some research showing that it can slow cellular aging.

And I didn't mention the daily skin moisturizing. If I don't apply specific healing oils and extracts to my face, neck, chest, hands, arms, and legs... it's not a happy day.
http://www.etsy.com/listing/99942639/sale-41-marshmallow-and-manuka-soothing
http://www.etsy.com/listing/84293185/2in1-manuka-honey-amazonian-body-butter
http://absilk.com/ssbodylotion.html
http://absilk.com/extremecream.html
http://www.etsy.com/listing/111067887/beauty-by-brazil-all-natural-amazon
https://store.abbeystclare.com/skin-care/rice-olives-cleansing-and-facial-serum-amazing-skin-treatment-melts-away-eye-makeup.html
http://www.skinactives.com/EMUlator-Oil.html
http://sweetsationtherapy.com/item_339/LumiEssence-Body-Organic-Advanced-Brightening-Repair-Treatment-with-Kojic-Acid-Arbutin-Vitamin-C-5oz.htm

Especially for naamah_darling

Here is a post for questions about my Healthy Multiplicity, and the three (now potentially four) female people/entities who inhabit my brain and help me cope with all my various vast disabilities and illnesses.
This is also a post for others to discuss their own.

-Serena: The first known guide, who guides me through all and every pain, tension, emotion, and fear, who is my inner nurse.
-Alicia: The second known guide, who guides me through epilepsy and postictal states, who is my inner mage.
-Amara: The mysterious third guide with me from birth, only recently human, who guides me through overall brain damages, memory problems, cracks in the walls, neuronal crumbling.
-Amber: the previously silent, hidden fourth guide who acts as a preserver of my sanity, who seems to catch me when I fall so deeply I fear entrapment, who deflects darker energies and turns negative into positive.

Disclaimer: This is not a case of DID, which is a very, very specific disorder. My girls do not leave my mind to use my body and voice, although there have been very rare postictal states in which Serena has spoken through me when I was fully incapacitated; however, I was still myself, just unable to articulate until she lent her voice.
Healthy Multiplicity is extremely common in perfectly healthy people. It is often seen as a form of coping mechanism for many disabled people, who need to sometimes retreat into their creative minds to preserve themselves, to soothe their mental conditions, to know that they are able and capable and strong. Because sometimes, being reassured by loved ones falls hollow, and you know your own mind well enough, and your own mind knows you well enough.