Wharrgarbl and stuff

When I checked my bank account, I noticed that a very large deposit had been made. Turns out it was my past due benefits, or back pay. Not as much as I'd thought, but enough to pay some bills, have a safety cushion, and feel better. I'm spending a couple hundred just to pamper and comfort myself, then the rest will go to medical bills, house repair, debt, etcetera. As it should. And then, next month or so, my monthly deposits will start coming I feel so strange now. This is really happening. This has happened. Oh my gods, this is it. I am a professional disabled person. Well, then. I feel like screaming. So I took Klonopin and readied myself for bed, after friends arrived and hugged me and left and hugged me. Things have... altered. I have altered.
When I saw my physician, we discussed pain management. I will be making an appointment with a Pain Specialist soon. Also an orthopedist and a psychiatrist. It is my job now. To treat my syndromes. To work with a team of doctors. To ease my symptoms. To try and get better. My job is to get medical help and work with my conditions.
I am overcome with Feelings. But that is natural and normal. At least I can buy my best friends lunch for all they've done for me.

I'm exhausted, and my right ovary is rebelling with screams and howls and stabbing, and my knees don't feel right, and my head is foggy, and my wrists ache, and I'm sleepy. But things, they are happening. I am grateful.

Flow and shimmer: My life feels like a mirage now

This is my "Yes, I am quite awesome, thank you!" photo.



The new haircolor is still Redken Chromatics, but now a warm natural medium brown. More golden brown, less auburn, like my hair back when I was seven through eleven, before I got a pixie cut and then hit puberty. My hair then turned from stick straight to very wavy and medium golden brown. I still don't know how I had bright fiery auburn hair when I was five. Maybe I was a calico of some sort.
My celebratory treat to myself is Too Faced Exotic Eyeshadow in Midnight Mist. It goes from shimmery metallic dark blue to shimmery metallic dark purple depending on how I move. In fact, Midnight Mist almost exactly matches an eyeshadow that I saw in a dream I had a few days ago, so the price was worth it - although I got $4.00 off because I'm an Ulta member.
I figured I deserved a cosmetic product that flowed the way I flow. Things are changing and I am flowing in many directions at once.

Adam will be away overnight, back home, and then off again from Saturday to Wednesday. There is plenty of food and stuff for me in the meantime, and I have cash now. Tomorrow I'll be making phone calls to pain specialists, orthopedists, and psychiatrists until I can make appointments. Fascinating things are happening. And while I am no longer constantly anxious in a bad way, I am anxious about my future in a good way. Unsure of which directions I should go, trying to figure out how I want to let my new life unfurl. The roller coaster is so much smaller and not so scary now. It is going to be an amazing ride.

Body pain battles, etc.

I defeated my spastic hypertonia today, sort of. I carried two heavy to me shopping bags (10 lbs and 6 lbs), all the way from Congressional Plaza to Twinbrook Metro (15 minutes), rested on the train, got to Shady Grove Metro, walked to the bus stop (under 5 minutes), rested at the bus area, rested on the bus until it got to my stop, walked from the bus stop to my townhouse (10 minutes), and did not in fact rest once I got in the door.
I did stuff, went up and down the stairs, and then finally took an analgesic and a muscle relaxant and let myself fall on the couch. My entire body shuddered and spasmed and shook and burned and hurt in various descriptive ways, and I still did things without needing to crawl around. I am proud of myself. Take that, fibromyalgia and cerebral palsy. For the moment.

Suddenly, hours later, I am fully drained and exhausted, and that espresso I drank when I got home at three is probably one of the only things keeping me awake. Various muscle groups are screaming. I know what their problem is, and I've already stretched and massaged and done all the things short of popping opiates. I do superficial things that make me feel happy, like makeup and clothing and television and toys.

Adam called. He is finally on his way to New York/Jersey. He will be home Friday night and will probably have Saturday off, to prepare and pack. He will leave Sunday on a plane to Florida and will be home around Wednesday, give or take. It is hours, and money, and he will of course be safe and fine.

The cats, being spoiled with canned food and treats, have draped themselves over the living room couch and our bed, blissful and content. Oh, to be that way.