Rush the dark back

Note to self: When a major depression episode during a fibromyalgia attack strikes, get a wooden bristle hairbrush or an ionic tourmaline hairbrush and start a long deep scalp massage. Focus on the endorphin rush. So silky. So shiny. So strong. It really does help as much as an endorphin rush can help. If I have to brush my hair until my arms are sore and weak, I will. I love my hair. So much. My beautiful Mediterranean hair. I will grow it as long as possible, maybe to the middle of my back, just above my waist. I take so much pride in my hair.

Well, a couple of weeks ago, an old friend who shared my love of wood hairbrushes told me she was going to send me a gift, but she refused to say what. Now I know what it is. And I am completely in love, ecstatic, and kind of stunned.
https://www.widu.com/product/35235
https://www.widu.com/product/42785

The painted Modern brush with the orange bristles is being kept like a treasure in a silken bag, while the colored blue brush is next to my computer, so I can massage my scalp whenever I want. Oh, so beautiful. So expensive, but understandably so. I massage my palms and my soles with the bristles as well, and it produces some amazing sensations. Perhaps I can include these brushes in my personal therapy.

I will climb out of this knowing how much I am loved.

Metallic Electric is such a great color description.

I painted another polish on my nails, over that other dark purple. Kure Bazaar Nail Lacquer in Catwalk: A metallic, electric eggplant.
When they called it a metallic, electric eggplant color, they were not kidding. So very shiny.
The description is fascinating.
"Kure Bazaar is the first nail lacquer of the next generation to combine the ethics of an Eco-natural formula with vibrant colors of fashion. A technological innovation after years of research, has led to dramatically reducing the use of petro-chemicals without compromise. Impeccable resistance, ultrashine & quick-dry. Formula up to 85% of natural origin based on wood pulp, wheat, cotton, potatoes and corn."
Weird, but awesome.

I really am loving purple shades lately. I used to love only blue shades, particularly cobalt. But now, when I see deep dark translucent violet glass, I start gibbering. Most of my eyeshadows (Urban Decay mostly) are various kinds of purple. I do refuse to wear purple toned lipstick since it makes me look dead, preferring reds, berries, and pinks, with brown undertones. I love purple shirts and socks and panties. People tell me that my aura is full of purple and some blue and some gold, which is sweet. My favorite purple gemstone is lepidolite, while my favorite blue stone is a tie between kyanite and lapis lazuli.
I already have a pyrope garnet ring on my right index finger and a light blue kyantine ring on my left index finger.
The garnet color reminds me of my favorite dark red lipsticks (It Cosmetic' Vitality Pretty Woman, Revlon Lip Butter Red Velvet, Sally Hansen MoistureTwist lipgloss Cherry Twist, Nars Flamenco and Shanghai Expres, BareMinerals Natural Red Zin, Julie Hewett Oona Noir). The kyanite color reminds me of my favorite pale blue eyeshadows (MAC Moon's Reflection and Tilt, BareMineral's High Shine Vapor, Lauren Brooke's Twilight Sparkle powder and Sky creme)... as well as my husband's eyes.
Speaking of that, I want this lepidolite lapis ring for Yule. Size 5. Someone make a note.
http://www.etsy.com/listing/73571808/lepidolite-lapis-lazuli-sterling-silver

Still depressed. Still fatigued. Still full of pain and spasticity. Whatever. It will happen, and then it will fade. I will ride it out and know that I will be all right.

I just want to stare at the dark until it grows light again.

I think my "give a fuck" just broke. It's bad enough that I'm in a major depressive episode and already filling up with self-loathing about everything I do and am. It's worse when I forget myself and defend my medication choices to a douchebag who is yelling at me with "All Big Pharma Is Always Evil Forever. You need to stop taking all your poison drugs and just eat these specific plants and herbal formulas, since they will cure your pain and your seizures and your depression and they will even heal your brain damage so you won't have cerebral palsy anymore."
I admit, I flew off the handle just a bit. You know, "Listen, moron, I did the purely holistic thing for twenty-something years, and then I was prescribed a seizure drug and a painkiller drug and a muscle relaxant which completely changed my life in many ways, because I had never known what it was like to have loose, relaxed muscles that didn't clench, spasm, feel paralyzed, or feel like burning. I mean, holy shit, people actually live like this normally? Is this normal? I should have done this sooner! Why hadn't I done this sooner?" And how I looked back on my other life and realized how stupid I was: because even if Big Pharma Is Truly Evil, sometimes they get it right. Sometimes just one drug, or three, can change the life of just one person in unimaginable ways.
And then I explained how I still use supplements and herbs and plants and holistics, and I carefully balance everything, and how I met with half a dozen different doctors who all decided I did not have an addictive personality and that it would be perfectly safe for me to take the wonderful drugs every day. And how strangers on the internet tried to call me junkie and addict without knowing a single fucking iota of a thing about me.
And I explained that because I was in chronic pain, constant agony, and major suffering that was not going to stop on its own, it was safe and fine for me to continue taking the drugs, and fuck everyone who tells me otherwise. And then I explained how sometimes I am in far less pain than normal and when I took one of those drugs, nothing happened. At all. So I was not becoming addicted, because I felt nothing if the pain was not great enough to require drugs.
And then I said a few more angry things about judging strangers because you are not actually concerned about them, you just want to project your personal bullshit onto someone who is doing something that perhaps you or a loved one used to do and it led to addiction and it was horrid for you, and perhaps you have made it your superhero mission to save everyone you encounter from the awful evil Big Pharma that destroyed your life, and perhaps it's easy to yell at people over the internet because you don't need to see their faces or show your face and you feel you have perfect control because the poor stranger is obviously spiraling downward into a terrible tragedy of dependency that only you can save them from.
And by "you" I mean "stranger asshole who decided she knew exactly who I was, what was wrong with me, what I needed, what I didn't need - because obviously those Big Pharma drugs were killing me rather than saving my life in multiple ways."
So, I sincerely apologize if anyone reading this feels slapped, because that is not what I'm trying to do. Normally, when someone gives me the "Drugs bad, herbs good" speech, I just smile and say, "Balance and harmony in all things. Every person is different with different responses to different treatments. Some patients cannot take supplements, and some patients need drugs to continue living a fairly easy life. I am very lucky that I can easily take pharmaceutical drugs and natural supplements in balance. Maybe some day, I will find a plant or vitamin that can legally replace all my prescription drugs forever. I doubt that, because I need certain drugs to keep certain illnesses in check, but if I can reduce the prescriptions and have a supplement as my main treatment, that would be wonderful. Until then, nobody needs to tell me what I should and should not do with my medical health treatments." And that is the most polite thing I can say.

Come back, serotonin, I have cookies.

Fatigued, exhausted, experiencing true muscle weakness, very depressed, full of anxiety but too tired to really worry. Lethargic and slightly apathetic. Brain fogging has led to stupidity. Stupidity has led to remorse and anger at myself. But the sad lack of caring overshadows everything.
I could be facing down a screaming maniac with a knife and I wouldn't care; I would probably distract him, take the knife, and stab him in the throat, because I wouldn't care.
Eventually, I will stop thinking like this.
Right now, I want to curl up in a fetal position and stop caring about anything about myself. When I look in the mirror I am beautiful and colorful and coy and sweet and my skin is glowing. But the main reason I am painting myself brightly and dressing in brighter colors is because I don't feel enough brightness on the inside.
This, too, shall pass.

Time for a shower and a scalp massage, and then to wait for Adam to come home from Chicago late tonight.

My doctors really get me. Yay!

My pain specialist's head nurse gave me a prescription for for Baclofen, which I have never used - apparently Baclofen is extremely useful for spasticity due to cerebral palsy and other neuromuscular disorders with tremors, hypertonia, hemiparesis, mild hemiplegia, etc. Oh, I am crossing my fingers that this may be a good drug that will be good to me. My body and brain usually respond extremely well to most medications, so I have hopes for Baclofen.
I am to take the Baclofen instead of the Flexeril for a month and then get back to them - literally, go back to the Spine Center.
The nurse who suggested the Baclofen was stunned that I had never tried it. She said to take Soma and Ultram in the morning, and to take Baclofen in the evening in case it makes me drowsy. I can also take the Ultram and the Soma again in the afternoon, if I am still in severe intense debilitating pain.
Eventually, I will need to go get X-rays on my knees to see if I'm developing arthritis. Should be fun.
I need to go to CVS on Thursday, when all my refills will be ready. I love those pharmacists.
I will be on 10 mg of Baclofen a day, and Mary said it should be enough, and she really hopes it will help the hypertonia.
I never even knew that there was a specific drug for cerebral palsy spasticity.
Now I am even more eternally grateful for the good little parts about Evil Big Pharma. I do have to wonder what sort of botanical thing in nature was extracted, broken down into chemicals, and synthesized to create the drug.
Has anyone here taken Baclofen?
Apparently some people with multiple sclerosis do very well on it. Also, I have no idea which brand name Baclofen has here in the US, if any.