It was 1:40 in the afternoon by the time I finished this post; I began at 1:09.
I woke up at 11:30 only because my husband roused me and put a can of energy drink to my lips while helping me lift my upper body, right before my cat Rose sat on me and licked my whole face, until I managed to fall carefully off the edge of the bed, hobble to the bathroom, and take a hot shower while leaning against the wall. Wrapping my hair in a towel at least helped stretch my neck and shoulder muscles. I stumbled back to the bedroom, got partially dressed, swallowed my morning drugs and supplements (Trileptal, Klonopin, Ultram, Picamilon, L-Tyrosine, Guarana, Hyaluronic Acid, Ashwagandha, Devil's Claw, DMAE, Raspberry Ketones, Sea Buckthorn) with coffee (made with cocoa, milk, cocoa, sugar, and cocoa). I got fully dressed fell onto the bed, struggled back upright, performed very gentle exercises reminiscent of certain basic yoga poses with extreme modifications, pulled some muscles in my lower back, applied heat massage, complained to my cats out loud since they couldn't tell me that my only limits were mental, bad attitudes, set by myself, because my cats loved me without telling me how to do things.
And so now I am sitting at my work desk with my cocoa coffee, Futurama via the Roku box on my 20 inch flat screen TV, the fish tank full of happy serene fish doing happy serene fish things. The codeine and baclofen I just took have taken effect, and I feel human. You know what it's like to not feel human, or normal, or easy, right, internet? Are you sure? Because I see so many articles about how easy it is to break limits, or not even have limits by - get this, ha ha - pretending you don't have limits. I just wanted to show you what my days are like. Because it's going to continue. Soon, I'm going to take afternoon supplements (MSM, Biotin, Inositol, Noni, Mangosteen, Goji, Pau D'Arco, Shilajit, NAC, and the drug Soma - and if you worry that I take too many pills in a day, I am going to laugh very loudly and point to all the people who take even more pills, by which I mean prescription pharmaceuticals alone because supplements don't work for them).
And then I will gently exercise some more, and have I mentioned that through all this I write and edit fiction stories, that novel I sent to a major publisher and agent, blog posts, and long discussions with beloved online friends? And I will read three books at once, maybe four, bit by bit, and since my husband is actually home from work I will spend time with him. And then in the evening, I will take my nightly medicine (Ogestrel-Hi, Trileptal, Zoloft, Soma, Apple Pectin Fiber, Chia Seed, Passion Flower), and crawl into bed like a bruised person, hopefully make fantastic love with my husband and have a wonderful, pain-relieving orgasm or four that will help me sleep blissfully (because sometimes it hurts too much to have sex but I do it anyway because it counts as medicine). And then I will wake up, either to see my husband off to work or to rouse myself, probably not until after 10:00 AM or so, and it will all continue, probably with additional errands and house chores.
There it is, internet. You have now seen my daily disabled life. I got lucky when I was approved for SSDI in 2012; I am lucky that I get enough monthly payments to keep me going alongside my husband who works himself bruised. I am lucky that all my limbs actually work, even if they hurt constantly in various ways. I am lucky that I haven't been to a hospital since 2007, and that was for a concussion and seizure. I have a lot of luck on my side. I also have a lot of limits. So, dear internet, please do not tell me what I should do with my limits unless you mean to help me move those limits a little higher so I don't need to push, I just need to move up more. Pushing my limits is fine, but I would rather move those limits up more so I have more room to go before I run up against those limits again.
Ah - I forgot to add that on the days when depression and anxiety attack, I am often physically unable to do much for several hours. But nobody needs to hear about that. Clinical depression is still stigmatized so severely that I still feel very uncomfortable discussing it. Also, I didn't mention the tiny complex moments when the cerebral palsy trips me up in many ways, because that would take forever. And I didn't mention the specifics of epilepsy, or fibromyalgia, or any neurological and neuropsychological conditions like ADHD Inattentive and OCD and Dyscalculia. Nor did I mention the specifics of fibromyalgia or various nerve issues, because who cares? That's boring. But it is all there.
Also, for those wondering why I take raspberry ketones, which have been touted as some sort of weird weight loss miracle:http://ezinearticles.com/?Raspberry-Ketones---6-Health-Benefits-Of-This-Natural-Remedy-Now-Revealed&id=6875845
They are actually highly antioxidant, a brain tonic, an anti-inflammatory, slightly analgesic, full of good omega fatty acids, and good for digestive health, with some research showing that it can slow cellular aging.
And I didn't mention the daily skin moisturizing. If I don't apply specific healing oils and extracts to my face, neck, chest, hands, arms, and legs... it's not a happy day.http://www.etsy.com/listing/99942639/sale-41-marshmallow-and-manuka-soothinghttp://www.etsy.com/listing/84293185/2in1-manuka-honey-amazonian-body-butterhttp://absilk.com/ssbodylotion.htmlhttp://absilk.com/extremecream.htmlhttp://www.etsy.com/listing/111067887/beauty-by-brazil-all-natural-amazonhttps://store.abbeystclare.com/skin-care/rice-olives-cleansing-and-facial-serum-amazing-skin-treatment-melts-away-eye-makeup.htmlhttp://www.skinactives.com/EMUlator-Oil.htmlhttp://sweetsationtherapy.com/item_339/LumiEssence-Body-Organic-Advanced-Brightening-Repair-Treatment-with-Kojic-Acid-Arbutin-Vitamin-C-5oz.htm