brightlotusmoon | Entries tagged with self-discovery

Yeah, I think I'm starting to slip into a depressive episode.
I just want to stop reacting whenever anyone insults me in any way.
I feel like crying over... I don't know, nothing and everything.
That is why watching Futurama and My Little Pony Friendship Is Magic is comforting, so shut up.
I want people to stop telling me how to be or not be physically and mentally disabled, bisexual, ethically Jewish, eclectic pagan, psychically sensitive, a female, very short, curvy slender, balanced between holistic and pharmaceutical medicines, a writer, a reader, an intellectual, a human.
I want to remind myself how to ignore those people and live my life my own way no matter who says what. I want to stop reacting and overreacting. I want to remind myself to just shut up and walk away with the knowledge that they will not learn nor understand, but others will.
I want to learn how to actually make and keep more friends on my own without wanting to run away.
I want to squeeze all my toys and dolls and meditate and cry cleansing tears.
I just want to be.

Current Mood: drained

I need to write this down before I completely forget.
Last night, I had a dream in which I was hanging out with a bunch of Sumerian deities, most of whom I could barely name.
We were setting a mansion on fire, hosing it down, and repeating the process.
Everyone kept calling me "Inanna" instead of Joanna. And I felt so flattered that for some reason I kept floating off the ground. Every time I lifted off the ground, a storm would gather and everyone started acting as though they were in love with everything everywhere, laughing and giggling and acting almost drugged.
Someone told me, "You are the evening star." And I said, "Funny that, I was born right before a midnight when Venus was very blindingly bright. Evening Star used to be one of my nicknames. Now sometimes my dreams call me Moonlight Witch."
And someone else said "Exactly. Do you understand now?" I said, "What? Wait, understand what?"
But everyone just smiled, and as I was pulled back down to earth, the soil became soft enough to drag me down, and I began to sink. It felt soothing and tranquil. I called out, "Don't forget to refurbish that mansion when I get back!" And then I woke up.
Try and interpret that, various dream dictionaries!

Current Mood: amused

Stuff to remember every day:
Meditate with the mantras Ohm and Namaste. Be at peace with every part of myself. Approach friends, loved ones, acqaintances, and strangers with peace and calm. Use anger and violence only if necessary under proper circumstances. Do not take the problems of others into myself but make sure they know I support them. Do not become influenced by the negative or upset behaviors of others. If something goes wrong, be polite, calm, kind, and compassionate. If someone says something I disapprove of or severely disagree with, remain calm and polite if pulled into arguments. Do not throw private mental tantrums when something I don't like happens. If I see a friend looking upset or about to have a mental tantrum, do not get involved and remain calm, unless I am needed.
I will not be a stereotypical "Hippie Freak" or any related stereotype. I will simply be a person who wants to be at peace unless I need to be at violence which would circle back to peace.
Peace with oneself is a very powerful thing, which many people don't really understand.
<3

Current Mood: satisfied

I took the Ultram. I took the Soma. I too the Klonopin. I stretched and exercised and meditated. Obviously this is not a day for healing anything. Obviously this is a day for more post seizure insanity, massive pain flares, stiff joints, and depression.

And to that I say, Meh. Whatever. Life will happen as life happens. I will ride the waves and be optimistic and idealistic.
Disappointment will happen but that doesn't mean I have to let it lead me.
Just because things don't meet my expectations doesn't mean I should whine or make faces. Just because plans change abruptly doesn't mean I should frown and mutter and think people dislike me. Just because things don't work out doesn't mean I should stomp my feet and decide life is awful. Life is wonderful. Friends are wonderful. Just go with it.
My favorite words for a while will be Ohm and Namaste.
The biggest things that matter are that I take care of myself, that I do my best to help my loved ones, that I don't get angry unless it is the proper cleansing sort of anger, that I leave the past in the past, that I love people, that I love the world... that I am my little bit of the universe and the multiverse.
I am currently wearing my amazing custom ring with kyanite and lepidolite and charoite, my other ring with charoite and lapis lazuli, my citrine bracelet, my amber pentacle ouroborous pendant, and my open design pentacle ring. I feel secure, protected, warm, loved, guided, empowered. That matters more than anything right now.

Current Mood: calm

I love getting gifts in exchange for giving gifts.

So, a dear online jeweler friend of mine customized a very personal ring for me: kyanite in the center, lepidolite and charoite on either side, wrapped in silver wire. She also made me another ring with a center charoite stone and two lapis lazuli side stones.
Another friend made me a citrine bracelet and a lepidolite bracelet. Another friend will be sending me unpolished Baltic amber bracelets. From another friend, I'll be getting Reiki-infused bracelets of blue kyanite and multi-color tourmaline.

I am highly metaphysical and spiritual about gemstones and minerals, so wearing all these stones against my skin actually causes my mind and body to react in amazing, wonderful ways. Some people will tell me it is all a simple placebo effect; I will accept that, having been raised by an atheist skeptic. But if gemstone energy helps me in any way, then more power to it, literally.

http://www.shimmerlings.com/gemstones/lepidolite.htm
http://www.shimmerlings.com/gemstones/charoite.htm
http://www.shimmerlings.com/gemstones/kyanite.htm
http://www.shimmerlings.com/gemstones/citrine.htm
http://www.shimmerlings.com/gemstones/amber.htm
http://www.shimmerlings.com/gemstones/lapislazuli.htm
http://www.shimmerlings.com/gemstones/tourmaline.htm

Current Mood: pleased

Stuff I want in 2013:

Intangible/Psychological:
Improve my brain.
Allow myself to work with my crazy rather than against it.
Temper my specific particular OCD, depression, and anxiety issues, and realize that it all must be treated as a severe illness that can be healed.
Be here now.
Be more self aware and less self absorbed.
Stop myself before making rash, unnecessary decisions.
Realize I have what I need and want and only take more when it is truly necessary.

Tangible/Physical:
A Samsung Galaxy S 3 smartphone. My ATT contract will allow me to update in July, so I must be patient.
Money to get another hair coloring at Ulta with Redken Chromatics.
Putting more money into savings, just like everyone else.
Read all the books I haven't read yet.
More healing exercises, stretches, massages, etc. I do what I can.
Write. Write. Write. Write. Write. Write.
Finish everything I write.
Be proud of everything I write; know I will be a success.

Current Mood: determined

Hello, Winter Solstice.

You have been unusually warm today. I don't mind at all.

I eagerly await the death and rebirth of the Sun God in its many forms, etcetera.

In other news...

Holy fucking chariot of Apollo, that was a horrible and vicious moment of flaring agony attack. Fibromyalgia, migraine, sciatica, lumbar pain, chondromalacia patella, joint stiffness, hemiparesis, spasticity, on and on and on. If I were not on the specific individual drug and supplement cocktail that deeply eases all this pain, I would be crying wildly without end, possibly inducing an epileptic seizure, which would make things worse. Thank Apollo things are not worse.
I will go to bed soon, and even though I can hope and wish that tomorrow will be better, all I can really do, usefully, is stretch and exercise and take the pills and medicines that will help.
I also want to say that sucking on lollipops does bring an amazing sense of calm and well being, floating me back to sweet memories.
Oh, dopamine and endorphins, please do your best...
And yet, I think some of this may have something to do with massive surges of intensity and emotion and power and energy and physics and metaphysics crashing through me and inside me and shaking me deeply. I don't mind that. I... love it. I love it. I do. Just as long as I can ease the pain somehow. My core is aligning with something powerful and extreme and I am almost afraid to dream tonight. I might fly so far and fast that my personal reality may not be the same when I wake up. But that might be a magnificent, beautiful thing. I feel extraordinary.
Ah, how the wind and rain howls outside.
Ah, how I feel so open and receptive and shining and beautiful and magical and free... and ready to accept whatever comes to me... to be enlightened in multiple ways... to let myself be carried by energies inside me that I know have always been there. I wish to and shall move up and on in my life, in many many amazing ways, because I, Joanna, am amazing.

And finally, to quote a shaman friend quoting another shaman:

"Shamans are well aware of these auspicious moments, but the Cosmic Window we are speaking about in this message has greater import, due to its alignment with the galactic core, the Central Sun of your galaxy, which is, in fact, a black hole.
This particular and rare alignment will result in a broadcasting of evolutionary energies throughout the galaxy. Your Earth is one of innumerable planets receiving this energy of upliftment.
As we view it, this cosmic alignment does not sound the end of your world, but it does herald a new beginning. How each of you deals with these catalytic evolutionary energies is a personal choice.
Indeed many individuals might experience these intense energies as an irritant. If you are not prepared mentally, emotionally and energetically to jump to higher levels within yourself, these energies can make you feel like you’re losing your mind.
If, however, you are aligned with the movement upward you will be carried by these energies. They can open extraordinary vistas for you if you are open to them.
This three-day period is an ideal time to contemplate your life from the vantage point of expanded states of consciousness, to step outside your timeline to sense the patterns of your life and your personal history that have brought you to this point in time."
-Tom Kenyon

So, I suppose the moral of this story - and day - is that what you think may be a nightmarish catastrophic disaster might actually just be your own mind shifting to a more powerful form of consciousness that you never knew you had. Good luck, humanity.

Current Mood: indescribable

I have a spear, a sword, and a hammer. Anything or anyone planning to fuck with me shall be met with brutal and stabby force.

Seriously, though. I know I am severely depressed and anxious and in so much pain and so exhausted by it all. And various support systems are trying to nudge me toward issues that bother them, which I would love to deal with later, just not now, or tomorrow, or next week. In conclusion: I don't care.

And so, until this heavy darkness lifts entirely, I will keep doing what I have been doing for my health. And everyone who keeps repeating all those treatments over and over will be met with the classic "Yes" answer. "Yes, I know. Yes, I am working on it. Yes, I am doing that. Yes, I will do that. Yes, I will see if that helps. Yes, I am hearing you. Yes, I understand you. Yes, we are beating a dead horse. Yes, I am doing everything I possibly can to heal and get better even though it takes time. Yes, my life is not your life. Yes, I know you care for me. Yes, I am taking care of myself. Yes, I know you don't believe me. Yes, I am being completely honest because like I said, these things take time. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Okay. Good. We will talk later. Yes. Okay. Later."

For me, there is a difference between "I want to help you, even if I can only stand with you and hold your hand either physically or mentally" and "I want to help you, so here is everything you need to do, because I want you to do all these things so I feel better so I can stop worrying about you."

In other news, I painted my nails earlier with Sally Hansen Nailgrowth Miracle Nail Polish in Loyal Lavender. A pearlescent shiny pastel pink lavender, essentially English Lavender with soft purple iridescence. It seems to go well with my coloring.
http://api.photoshop.com/v1.0/accounts/48ff298f257a429894632ebafd1844ad/assets/ce6d2ec1cd6a49cbb133116455b3f08f
https://s3.amazonaws.com/luuux-original-files/bookmarklet_uploaded/sallyHansen.jpg
Also, it makes me instantly smile when I look at my fingernails, because the color brightens everything. I need to be brightened anyway.

Later, I switched to a different polish. I've been feeling so creepily Dragon-ish today that I applied Revlon Top Speed Fast Dry Nail Enamel in Ocean, a deep teal with green foil iridescence. It looks like dragon scales. It makes me happy and also fierce as fuck. Plus, the Top Speed products are healthy for nails. Keratin, Silk, Silica, Minerals, Gem Powders.
http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-kKkz_H_NR_M/T19yySc9ZeI/AAAAAAAAEVA/1vBEW8dBW44/s1600/003-1.JPG
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-oHMe06Levu8/TWZ88KHEzMI/AAAAAAAACX0/eN6O4AxYSVg/s1600/RevlonOcean.jpg
http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-MzVUHpoEOHU/TlZ1aU7lTsI/AAAAAAAABsI/WlOs4dumX9M/s1600/008.JPG

When it comes to concealing my facial skin - like full war paint - I always choose full coverage: Lauren Brooke Creme Foundation and Creme Concealer, It Cosmetics Concealer, MAC Studio Sculpt Foundation, Physician's Formula Conceal Rx and Circle Rx, Urban Decay Naked Skin Foundation, NYX HD Studio Foundation, Korres Quercetin Concealer, Revlon DNA Advantage Foundation, CoverGirl Tone Rehab Foundation, CoverBlend Concealer, Too Faced Flawless Concealer.

On my warrior lips I alternate between four triumphant red lipsticks: Nars Semi-Matte in Fire Down Below, a deep true blood red; Being True Pure LipColor in Temptress, a dark deep bloody red; Too Faced Lip Creme in Stiletto Red, a deep neutral blood red; Revlon Lip Butter in Red Velvet, a silky rich blood red. Bloody, exotic, attractive, intense, powerful, sensual. I always love things in fours. No matter which color I wear, I instantly feel like a great warrior goddess, even if it is only in my mind.
http://www.narscosmetics.com/color/lips/lipstick/semi-matte-lipstick/fire-down-below
http://www.dermstore.com/product.php?prod_id=24194
http://www.dermstore.com/product.php?prod_id=42764
http://nouveaucheap.blogspot.com/2011/10/review-revlon-colorburst-lip-butter-in.html
My staple red is It Cosmetics Vitality Lip Flush in Pretty Woman, but as it is sheer and flushed, I use it every day no matter how I feel.
http://www.beauty.com/it-cosmetics-vitality-lip-flush-4-in-1-natural-anti-aging-lipstick-stain-pretty-woman/qxp387445?catid=12884

A brightened face, a wide mouth stained with psychic blood, a scream ripped from a chronically ill body, and I refuse to back down.
*warrior yell*
*spears raised*

Current Mood: determined

Well, then.
Spears raised to the sky, screaming hard enough for the gods to hear my battle cry.
Covered in blood and dark and pain and scars and insanity. Teeth and talons bared, skin flayed just enough to show how I can still stand and fight. Do not back down. Stand up until my body collapses on its own. Find a safe place to heal and rest. Gear up again and rush out again. Over and over, on and on, for the rest of my life, this will never end. Spears and swords and armor and power and intensity.
I am not strong. I just want to live.
This is not about bravery or inspiration. This is not about using my disabilities to show or prove anything to anyone.
This is about my life. This about my battles. This is about my fellow warriors, who I will support until I fall, and if I fall I will crawl to throw the final spear.
I just want to live. I don't care what is normal or crazy. I just want myself back. It will take the rest of this life and beyond, but I am prepared.
My monsters will always be there to damage me. I will always be there to damage my monsters. Welcome to life.
I will stand. I will fight. I will hurt. I will heal. I will crawl. I will return. I will fight on and on because it is all I am. I will fight.
I will stand up.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GWqmRGnqYpw

Current Mood: like a dragon bitch

All those doctors, therapists, and specialists who have told me how well I am doing with the cerebral palsy are very sweet, and they know what to look for.
But people who don't know what they're looking at sometimes get this very interesting expression on their faces and in their eyes. They can tell something is not quite right, and are often very surprised when I explain that I was born with brain damage that led to mild cerebral palsy. There is that old oft-repeated phrase "Oh, but you don't look disabled!" Or, occasionally, "Wow, your CP looks nothing like what I usually see!"
And sometimes I get tired of this or maybe slightly annoyed. I know I shouldn't. Everyone says that having mild cerebral palsy is a good thing compared to severe, and I know that. But I do wonder if people even consider the deep, deep, deep mental, psychological, emotional, neurological, and developmental scars CP has caused. The monsters may be very small, but the claws have been digging and ripping very intensely all my life.
I often have to explain myself in a simple, laughing, "Hey, I'm just stupid and I forget things" sort of way, especially when I am scolded for making a mistake that I should have known not to do. I often have to remind people that my left side really cannot handle certain tasks, and that I must rest, and that I can regularly feel the broken, dead neuromuscular connections as I do the most basic of tasks. Brushing my teeth or hair with my left hand. Picking up coins with my left hand. Picking up, well, anything with my left hand.
My left side sometimes feels ghostly. It's not numb, I just forget it's there. Oh, I will use it, it will be quite active... but I am rarely aware. It took the first ten years of my life to understand simple things like walking, running, skipping, jumping, dancing, even crawling, as well as swinging my arms when I walked. I still can't tie shoes. That doesn't matter anyway.
It is so hard for me to reach out to others with mild spastic ataxic left side hemiplegic hemiparetic cerebral palsy with hypertonia, because I don't personally know anyone with that specific combination. I try to join forums and communities to discuss all the associated physical, mental and neurological disorders left in the wake of cerebral palsy's rampage - sensory processing disorder, epilepsy, synesthesia, dysphasia, poor eyesight, muscle and tissue disorders, fibromyalgia, nerve pain, joint pain, respiratory problems, growth problems, ADHD, depression, light bladder leakage, failure to thrive, hypersensitivity, emotional and mood disorders. The list could go on.
In my childhood, no one thought to question what would happen when I grew up, because they were focusing too much on just exercising my body and teaching me mental exercises. And sometimes I wonder what would have happened if someone had decided to monitor my progression into adulthood.
My random disability thought for the day, I guess.

Current Mood: pensive

How it all began:
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10151013741440684&l=48f6e7bcb2
Click on the '1 Share' button to see comments that inspired the title of Peaceful Dragon.

Copied from Facebook.

***
Now I am too exhausted to... what was I saying?
I'm going to bed now.

Also, someone just called me a "Mediterranean Warrior Fae with coffee cognac amber eyes." That makes me feel happy, and also strengthened.
***
Today is a day of pain too extreme for mere words.

But that's why my favorite eyeshadow is called Psychedelic Sister.

My mind has special places in which I can safely lose myself during transcendental meditation, in which my imagination and sensory perceptions can be shaped, molded, and altered bit by bit to work alongside damaged neural pathways, to become fully psychoactive on my own, through my own private power.

This will take years beyond years, but I have eternity in the spirit world. Sometimes my senses are surrounded by and colored in various shades of purple, with color shifts, duochrome shimmers, and iridescent glimmers of every color I can think of.

I know Psychedelic Sister is just the name of a shimmery deep amethyst cosmetic pigment, but it has a special meaning. Just like various other eyeshadows.

Urban Decay
Loaded: Deep metallic emerald
Evidence: Shimmery deep navy blue
Hijack: Deep metallic teal
Lost: Medium metallic brown
Snakebite: Shimmery dark bronze
Shattered: Shimmery gold turquoise
YDK: Shimmery cool bronze
S&M: Shimmery steel gray taupe
Midnight Rodeo: Glittery silver taupe
Maui Wowie: Metallic golden beige
Last Call: Metallic sugar plum
Darkhorse: Shimmery deep mocha
Half Baked: Shimmery golden bronze

Too Faced
Midnight Mist: Midnight Sapphire Violet Duotone
Poison Orchid: Midnight Amethyst Gray Duotone
Firefly: Shimmery Antique Gold
Petals To The Metal: Metallic Brown Blue Duotone
Violet Femme: Shimmery Lavender Gold Duotone
Enchanted Garden: Golden Espresso Duotone

Maybelline Color Pearls Marbleized
Downtown Denim
Persuasive Plum
Lawless Lavender
Navy Narcissist

It really is amazing and powerful to me, how color can help alter the way I see myself. The instant I apply concealer or foundation, it begins.
Urban Decay Naked Skin Foundation in Shade 2.0
It Cosmetics Bye Bye Concealer in Light
Lauren Brooke Creme Concealer in Warm Light
Lauren Brooke Creme Foundation in Warm 2
CoverGirl Olay Tone Rehab Foundation in Classic Ivory
Raesin Images Creme Foundation in Linen 2
Korres Quercetin Oak Concealer in Fair

Obviously this is a lot, but my memory is quietly being gently destroyed bit by tiny bit. I always write everything down. All it matters is that I can alter my palette constantly and see myself in new colors, in new ways, every day. I am art.
***
In the lair of the Peaceful Dragon.
http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10151018197555684.415074.640545683&type=1&l=74078a637b
http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10151018374415684&l=99512fe686
Filled with strong colors and shiny things.
***
Thing I have most recently learned about myself: When I am having a pleasant conversation on Facebook about something enjoyable regarding a status or a photo, I should feel absolutely no remorse in deleting critical, snide, or rude comments that have nothing to do with the conversation. I have learned that if I really want a critical opinion, I would be happy to privately message the critic and figure out why they decided to be critical in the first place. I like learning new things about myself!
***
Stupid news: Having a temperature over 99.1 and being ragey over ridiculous whims of ridiculous body and ridiculous brain.
Fuck It news: Planning the weekend no matter what. Peaceful Mediterranean Fae Dragon Warrior is fucking peaceful, damn it.
Really Fucked Up news: Actually literally being too weak to finish editing these fiction stories or do anything but limp and stumble.

Time to crawl into bed and rage against the dying of the light so hard that in every dimension beyond this one I erupt into a wild flare and shine brighter than a fucking supernova - until every spirit, alien, and interdimensional entity all rush to gather around, break out the sunglasses, and share popcorn.

Peacefully, that is.
***

I will be a good Mediterranean Dragon Princess. With many shiny things. Including coffee and chocolate and honey, and chocolate honey coffee.

Current Mood: exhausted

A highly personal ramble that I know a few people will understand.
I do not make friends-locked entries because this is my journal, and if I am going to lay myself bare and open, I will. If people choose to read and comment, they are welcome to it. I'm just like that.
Yes, everything is okay. Sometimes I just need to vent.

( Read more... )

Current Mood: indescribable
Current Music: "Fear" - Sarah MchLachlan

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Page Summary

I suppose I will be fine, after
I'm not that old, dream-brain...
I am satisfied
Namaste and Ohm
Gemstone jewelry, for magic and science and metaphysics and quantum physics
2013 "goals"
Happy Yule, Happy Winter Solstice 2012...
Yell. Scream. Charge. Here come the monsters.
This is my war
Growing up spastic
When I grow up, I want to be a dragon
the red hours

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Style: Dreamscape for Ciel by nornoriel

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Page generated Jul. 28th, 2025 05:21 pm

The Return To Innocence

The Return To Yourself...

Entries tagged with self-discovery

I suppose I will be fine, after

I'm not that old, dream-brain...

I am satisfied

Namaste and Ohm

Gemstone jewelry, for magic and science and metaphysics and quantum physics

2013 "goals"

Happy Yule, Happy Winter Solstice 2012...

Yell. Scream. Charge. Here come the monsters.

This is my war

Growing up spastic

When I grow up, I want to be a dragon

the red hours