brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Blood Red Light Pale)
So. Multiple friends have suggested I write something like this, because no matter how often I say it, I still get invalidated, scolded, told I shouldn't be doing it because it upsets people. And of course, it would be talking about my life, my disabilities, my personal health, in public forums.

To paraprhase a friend: "...taking someone's lived experiences as they apply to their particular disability and how it expresses itself, and saying that they can't talk about that because it will make other people feel bad, is not okay and it invalidates them to varying degrees. Different disabilities affect different people in different ways."

In other words, sometimes comparing things is bad. We are human. Humans all have problems. Each human has their own set of problems. Some humans want to talk about their personal problems in ways that other humans find annoying, upsetting, unsettling - but other humans find those ways comforting, eye-opening, powerful.

I don't know how else to say it, so I'll be blunt, and this time I am not going to pull any punches:
Read more... )
brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Ruby Blood Dragon Witch)
Quote from a friend that applies to me in a scary way:

"If you really feel like picking a fight with me, you will have to wait until tomorrow afternoon. I'll need at least two good meals, some meditation, a comedy film, a squeezable exercise toy in one hand, and a muscle relaxant drug that will help me type properly without muscle pains and tensions.
This is why I like arguing online: We each get our points across without interrupting shouts, we can research and cite our sources properly, we can explain exactly why the other person's argument is fallible, we can defend our own position logically and rationally, we can actually get words in edgewise without stammering and snarling from both sides, and we can save our vocal chords from getting sore.
I hate debating in person. My opponent loves to tell me exactly what is wrong with me in ways that don't even make sense, and he or she refuses to let me explain why that argument has no basis in reality.
Let's say, for example, that he or she decides to pick on the fact that I have a terrible memory in general but I can easily quote my favorite books and movies. Do you know why I can easily quote my favorite books and movies? Because they are my favorite books and movies. It has absolutely nothing to do with having a poor memory overall. It just means that I've read certain books and watched certain films often enough to at least paraphrase, if not fully recite, entire lines of dialogue. See, people with brain issues such as autism spectrum disorders are able to do things like that. Having a disintegrating memory while being able to recall very specific things does not mean that I am pretending to have a selective memory, and frankly I feel insulted when it is implied and inferred.
I am chronologically young and neurologically aging. I also have many friends going through the exact same process. I talk about my experiences often, so people like me can know that they are not alone.
If you want to fight me about that, if you want to accuse me of deliberately living inside my brain disorders, please come inside my brain disorders. They're all connected, so it's like a fantastic patchwork house. My brain has a very comfortable couch. Would you like some tea? I just got some red tea. I have decorated it with my disorders proudly. They are part of me, after all. They are part of who I am. Aren't they beautiful? Like shiny, sparkly, broken puzzles. I may never find the missing pieces. That's fine, though.
Did you know that in Japan, when a ceramic sculpture is broken, they weave gold through the piece when putting it back together? Kintsugi: the Japanese art of repairing broken pottery with gold. The idea behind it is that the piece becomes more beautiful and valuable because it has been broken and has a history. I am full of gold-filled cracks. I am very proud of that. I am proud of my disabled and handicapped history. My life is made of gold!
Oh, please don't look upset! No, no, please, sit comfortably. I hope the tea is to your liking. Yes, even that mug has gold fillings, Even the couch is sewn with gold. This entire place is filled in with gold. And it is lovely.
Wait! Did you mean that I use my disabilities like crutches to make excuses for being in pain? That's ridiculous. I mean, I certainly don't mind magical thinking, but you can't make something that extreme happen just by imagining it. I'm not imagining it. I'm living in the right now. And, like many disabled people, my right now means having a body and a brain that feel more injured and aged than normal. I talk about this so that others like me understand, so they have answers to questions they are too worried to ask. Sometimes when you approach age thirty it can feel like age sixty, for some of us. That is why I am an activist for certain disabilities and an advocate for certain health treatments.
Oh! Oh, my! Is that also why you're angry at me? Do you believe that I use my medical problems as an excuse to do nothing while I am young? That is the silliest and most untrue thing anyone has ever assumed. Perhaps you should talk to some of my disabled activist friends. They will tell you the same thing. Life is hard for everybody. But it is sometimes a little bit harder for disabled people. We're not special snowflakes. Although snow and cold do sometimes make us hurt more!
Have some more tea. It's very calming. We need to be calm for this fight.
Just let me know when you are ready to fight. I need to do some meditative qi gong exercises to prepare. Just please keep in mind that I would rather we each complete a piece of debate without yelling over each other. It is much more difficult to weave healing gold threads through words."
-Written By A Disabled Gentleman Who Shall Remain Anonymous, And Who Reflects My Exact Thoughts, Feelings, and Personal Beliefs With Incredibly Frightening Accuracy To The Point Where I Could Have Written Most Of This In Various Bits. Not Kidding, I Think This Guy Shares My Writerbrain.

Anyway, speaking of the art of using gold to heal broken things!
http://www.pinterest.com/uberECOcool/kintsugi-saving-broken-ceramics-with-gold/
brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Blood Red Dragon Witch)
And now something is happening in my brain, and I cannot pinpoint it well enough. It could be another wave of depression, or a wave of panic, or a wave of just... I don't know. I have two dozen medical issues; pick something. It feels as though my brain is physically spasming. My amygdala feels weird, as though it wants to say something and cannot remember.

Adam is off again, so he can take me to my pain specialist, and then maybe we can go to Barnes & Noble so he can get me the Twilight Sparkle plushie to go along with the Fluttershy vinyl doll that he brought home from New York City along with bagels.

We made chocolate chunk cookies, with cream cheese instead of butter. We practiced Reiki. Adam is what I like to call a raw magic mimic. All he has to do is watch someone perform an energy form and he can re-create it in raw form. Like when he was in New York, a random monk brushed past him and slipped a wood bead bracelet around his wrist, whispering, "peace to you, mage" - and with that touch, Adam absorbed that energy, and when he came home he touched me in concentration and I felt so much calm and serenity that it was almost like being high. I guess it's kind of like being Peter Petrelli, or Rogue as she can now control her powers. He can call the energy at will. I'm envious. I need to to that for myself. But maybe I can't. Maybe it wouldn't work if I tried it on myself. Maybe the energy would only move outwards. We shall have to discuss the physics and chemistry and neurobiology behind it.

We've replaced the coffee grinder. It is black. Black fridge-freezer, black big freezer, black oven with black microwave range, black dishwasher. All we need is a black Mr Coffee and a black can opener.

I love my Chobani Lime Greek Yogurt.

Yeah, it's a depression. With a slowly stalking panic attack. Regarding my previous post: I definitely would want a cure for that. It is strangling.
brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Blood Red Light Pale)
My cats are so spoiled that we serve their gooshyfood on a white ceramic gold-rimmed plate. Luckily, all three will eat from the same plate, from a single can of moist food, and it's more supplemental, twice a week, to the free-feeding with organic or semi-organic dry food. We also shop at H-Mart for worldly produce and fresh well-kept meat. And we go to Whole Foods and Roots for goat cheese, wine, and my skin care if I don't order it online. Yes, we are poor semi-yuppies. We treat ourselves when we are financially able and live off the riches for a while.

So, I asked Adam to drive me to Petco for food because he had a car and was very strong. We decided to hit up Unleashed By Petco (also because the people there are just that cool).
I was going to buy another huge bag of Solid Gold, and then I got into a lengthy, intellectual conversation with a store associate named Amy. See, once I explained that what I wanted was nutritional density, we had a long talk, and on the way to the Solid Gold bag, I stopped and picked up of Blue Wilderness Duck Formula, and then we grabbed a bag of Solid Gold Indigo Moon. Amy read off the Analysis of both for comparison. And I realized that while Solid Gold was 15 pounds and Blue Wilderness was 12 pounds, Blue Wilderness was much more nutrient dense.
My cats already loved Blue Buffalo in general, and I'd fed them Wilderness once; and I realized that the main reason I'd been buying Solid Gold was because of the bag size. But, as Amy and I agreed, nutrient and nutritional density was more important than the weight of the food. There was a three pound weight difference... but Wilderness was packed with more intense nutrition, in my eyes.
Also, I picked up that 12 pound bag with no issues, and realized that if I were alone, I could walk with it all the way to Lake Forest Transit Center, which was a ten minute walk.
I also mentioned that I was shopping for canned food, and I knew they carried Soulistics, which I pronounced "solstice" - and that made Amy giggle wildly. "You pronounce it soulstice like I do! I keep messing up!" I chose the chicken pumpkin multi-can wrapped set. My cats go wild over Soulistics.
And while we were there, I decided to test out my weight limits on litter by picking up a 14 pound bag of World's Best Cat Litter and resting it on my right shoulder. I smiled at Adam and Amy, and realized that yes, if I absolutely had to, I could carry one or the other. Giant sells a very good brand called "Feline Favorite 100-percent All-Natural Clumping Cat Litter" which contains zeolite crystals - and according to their claim, a 10 pound back has the same volume has 50 pounds of clay litter (hah, we'll see about that).
But knowing that I could hit Giant for litter and Unleashed for food all by myself, back and forth by bus with my free ride Metro Access pass, made me realize that my independence as a disabled person is getting better all the time.
And those strength training exercises are probably helping, too.
brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Blood Red Light Pale)
A song for Rose kitten.

***
Maybe I didn't pet you
Quite as good as I should have.
Maybe I didn't brush you
Quite as often as I should have, oh.
Little treats I could have found and gave
I just never remembered the time
You were always on my lap
You were always on my lap

Tell me that your sweet paws haven't dug in
Give me, give me one more chance to stand up
To stop you mashy pawing, pawing.
Maybe I didn't hug you
All those interrupting times
And I guess I never told you
I'm still happy that you're mine.
If I made you feel second best,
Kitty, I'm sorry I call the other cat my precious.

You were always on my lap
You were always on my lap

Now please get down off my lap
Now please get down off my lap

You are always on my bed
You are always on my bed.
***
brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Blood Red Light Pale)
...because I have no idea if anyone is watching this show.

http://insidetv.ew.com/2013/06/01/orphan-black-season-finale-review-tatiana-maslany-dazzles-the-clone-sisterhood-frazzles/
http://www.thetvaddict.com/2013/06/01/orphan-black-redux-clones-and-siblings-and-twins-oh-my/

I knew it! Sarah and Helena were the twins. That's why Sarah could have biological children while the (other) clones were sterile.
I still believe Sarah and Helena are the Original Experiments, and that Kira has that healing factor because of all the insanity in Sarah's DNA. No wonder any offspring of either Sarah or Helena would be... superpowered, essentially.

I honestly have no clue why I love the show so much. It airs right after "Doctor Who" on BBC America, so I keep on with it just because. But it's getting so freaking awesome. I hope Season Two gets awesomer. I hope my theory about Sarah is correct.
brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Blood Red Dragon Witch)
So, a lot of people have been asking me what beauty products I have been using on my skin lately. Might as well link to it.
These products have, quite literally, every single ingredient I ever wanted. Every. Single. Ingredient. All in one. I kept telling Krista (from Harmony Apotheca, now Etesian Plantaceutical™ Skin Care) that it was as if she had read my mind without ever meeting me.
http://www.etsy.com/listing/99942639/sale-41-marshmallow-and-manuka-soothing
http://www.etsy.com/listing/84293185/2in1-manuka-honey-amazonian-body-butter
These are both excellent as anti-inflammatory salves for my joints and muscles and nerve pains and such. The cream smells very fresh, fruity, and floral, extremely clean and invigorating. The butter smells incredibly herbal, like strong sage and deep woods and young trees and a forest after rain.
I have been using these in my beauty routine, day and night, for over two weeks. My skin looks amazing. I am finally, after all these years, starting to feel truly satisfied. My body dysmorphic disorder, which as you know is focused on my skin, is actually slowly starting to back down. I didn't think that could happen.

Also, the most recent photos of my face made up. I like them.


"Snow White Red Riding Hood Dragon Princess Warrior"

harmonycolor1

harmonycolor2

Color Cosmetics - adding war paint and beauty masks since the beginning of existence.

Eyes: Urban Decay Eyeshadow in Mushroom, Hijack, Flash. It Cosmetics Hello Lashes Mascara; Envyderm Growth Volume Mascara
Lips: Buxom Full Bodied Lipstick in Provocateur; Lavera Beautiful Lipstick in Deep Red.
Face: 100 Percent Pure Healthy Skin Full Foundation in Creme; Urban Decay Naked Skin Foundation in Shade 2.0.

Moisturizers: Harmony Apotheca 4:1 Marshmallow and Manuka Eczema Relief Cream with Amazonian Butters.
Earth's Own Bath N Body Divine Youth Creme with Coffee Fruit.
Walk In Beauty Sun Protection Lotion with Superfruits.
brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Blood Red Dragon Witch)
I am eating cereal for lunch. Great Grains Protein Blend: Cinnamon Hazelnut. It is one of the most delicious cereals I have ever eaten. Note for future reference.

Carisoprodol and tramadol have fully relieved most of my deep pain and muscle tension for a few hours.

Yesterday, Charlotte came over and we spent a good two hours or more completely cleaning and reorganizing the main bathroom. The soreness was earned this time.

Outside, it is sunny and slightly warm, slightly cool at the same time, in the mid-sixties. Even though it will most likely not rain until Sunday, I am developing a migraine and joint pain.

Our heating/air conditioning unit is off, so the house is naturally in the sixties. I am wearing long sleeves, since my natural default seems to be "cold, usually" in temperatures under seventy degrees Fahrenheit - but I am also wearing short sleeves underneath for a quick change. I think my ideal temperature would be low seventies with a mild breeze.
brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Blood Red Dragon Witch)
Okay. Migraine, seizure, pain, yada. The seizure was hard, fast, very intense, and deeply trippy. It teamed up with the cerebral palsy to make my entire body spasm and drop to the floor in a crouch, like a running crouch, maybe? My brain was moving too quickly. I began arguing with it. I tried to yell at my muscles to move, but spastic hemiplegia had set in, and my right side had gotten involved with it, and for a few minutes I literally could not move. For a few seconds I was not breathing. Even after I started breathing again, I could feel saliva pooling in my mouth that I couldn't swallow. Stupid stupid brain. When my brain released my and I stood up, the whole room twisted melted, and spun. Damn brains.

So, earlier, I was browsing on a random celebrity gossip site. You know that hip-hop singer guy Chris Brown? I've heard some of his music, but he's more famous for beating up another hip-hop singer, Rihanna, who he was dating, and he beat up her face so badly that it was horrifying. So, I saw a photo of this guy, and he has a tattoo of a woman's beaten, battered, stitched face on his neck. On his neck. A tattoo of a battered woman on his fucking neck. And here I thought douchebaggery in general couldn't get much higher. Isn't he that guy who apologized over and over and then she took him back and they fell in love again? Is that her face tattooed on her neck? Her stitched up, bloody, bruised, beaten face? Which he caused? WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE? I don't want to live on this planet anymore. Oh my gods what.
(I don't listen to hip hop. I have been told there is so much misogyny, rape apology, prejudice, homophobia, and ugly creepy statements about every group of people that it just isn't worth it. But apparently, there is an openly gay hip hop singer? Frank Ocean? I've listened to his songs. I do like his voice. Can we get rid of Kanye West? His ego has its own ego. And he got Kim Kardashian pregnant. I bet he wants to name the kid Jesus Christ with a K. I hate people.)

Today was spent on the phone with contractors for home repair. One guy came over and took measurements. Another guy will arrive on Wednesday. Tomorrow, I see the pain specialist. Thursday is... something. I don't know. Cleaning out the giant monster breakfront cabinet that holds the main library, probably. We will need many friends to help us move furniture and clear off the kitchen food shelves and move things, so that when the repair people finally arrive, they can do their jobs with ease.

Adam got me a Kindle with his credit card's reward points. An actual physical Kindle. Which means it will be a shared Kindle. He can take it with him on jobs so he can read several books after another. I have my PC and phone Kindle, but an actual Kindle will be lovely too.

I have been writing. Much fiction writing. My hands hurt.
brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Blood Red Dragon Witch)
I keep reading about the "friendzone" thing... and all I can think is, "Wait, what's wrong with having friends? Sex and sexuality isn't supposed to be a manipulation. People can be asexual, already committed, gay, exes who are friends, not sexually interested, simply happy with the company. You know, friends."
To quote a friend: "There seems to be a bizarre implication that if two non-related people of opposite genders know each other and aren't having sex or being sexually attracted, someone is being unfairly and horribly infringed upon somehow."

People are weird, in that annoying bad way. Like, the world does not work the way you want. People will not shower you with attention if you are being nasty and throwing tantrums. Shrieking about "being friendzoned" is like a toddler whining that he can't have that toy he wants. Except worse, because this is a real person, with real feelings, being objectified. I don't know. I am ranting. I am hurting and I am a wounded wildcat and I had a seizure yesterday and I am still sorting all my brains out.

Point is, there are online friends who claim to be attracted to me despite knowing my marital status, and that is deeply annoying.
brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Blood Red Dragon Witch)
People ask. I try to answer.
The most common question: What will help treat my [acne, blemishes, eczema, dryness, rash, inflammation, rosacea, psoriasis, oiliness/dehydration, chapping, chafing, fine lines, insert skin condition] skin problems?
The best answers I can give:

http://bluefeathersoap.com/medicinals.htm
(Medicated Goo)
http://www.felicitybathsoaps.com/herbal-salves-2
(Psoriasis/Eczema Salve)
http://absilk.com/ssbodylotion.html
(Signature Silk)
http://www.peaceofnature.biz/BODY.html
(Soothing Body Butter)
http://www.econaturalsoap.com/wrinkle-relief-balm-crows-feet-smile-lines-laugh-lines/
(Everything Relief Balm)
https://store.abbeystclare.com/skin-care/rice-olives-cleansing-and-facial-serum-amazing-skin-treatment-melts-away-eye-makeup.html
(Sea Buckthorn Frankincense Serum)
http://stores.walk-in-beauty.net/-strse-79/Sun-Protective-Lotion-/Detail.bok
(Sunscreen and Wrinkle Protection)
http://www.petalpusherfancies.com/products/live-enzyme-scentless-deodorant
(Yes, it can be used as a moisturizer, yes I am serious)

Naturally, there will be more questions. There are always more questions.
brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Blood Red Dragon Witch)
In exactly one month, I shall be thirty-four. I am making a list of what I want, in case I forget.

http://www.zennioptical.com/210216-bendable-memory-titanium-full-rim-frame.html

http://www.amazon.com/Midnight-Blue-Light-Special-Incryptid-Novel/dp/0756407923

http://www.ulta.com/ulta/browse/productDetail.jsp?skuId=2244882&productId=xlsImpprod4320091

http://www.ulta.com/ulta/browse/productDetail.jsp?skuId=2244881&productId=xlsImpprod4320089

http://www.houseofbeautyworld.com/crcliobrve.html

http://www.groomerschoice.com/Bass-Wire-Pin-Medium-Oval-Brush/productinfo/BA9/

http://www.vitadigest.com/fbrushes-hairbrush-small-steel.html

http://www.beauty.com/nars-lipstick-trans-siberian/qxp327756?catid=12884&N=0

http://www.etsy.com/listing/45367735/key-lime-pie-all-natural-vegan

http://www.etsy.com/listing/106354450/morocco-natural-deodorant-stick-vegan

http://www.etsy.com/listing/116971871/live-enzyme-scentless-deodorant

http://bluefeathersoap.com/medicinals.htm

http://absilk.com/extremecream.html

http://absilk.com/ssbodylotion.html

http://www.swansonvitamins.com/swanson-ultra-ajipure-l-tyrosine-pharmaceutical-grade-500-mg-60-veg-caps

http://www.swansonvitamins.com/swanson-ultra-ajipure-l-tryptophan-pure-pharmaceutical-grade-500-mg-90-veg-caps

http://www.swansonvitamins.com/swanson-ultra-coq10-100-100-mg-100-sgels

http://www.swansonvitamins.com/now-foods-kava-kava-extract-250-mg-120-caps

http://www.tfsupplements.com/store/cart.php?m=product_detail&p=2746

I absolutely do NOT expect to get everything - but I do really really really want the blue perfect Zenni Optical eyeglasses and will find a way to buy them, unless someone plans on buying them for me (hey, I can dream). Also, I really want the Midnight Blue Light Special book and the Blue Feather Soaps Medicated Goo; and that's easy enough.
The TF supplement Picamilon is technically necessary - it may be a supplement here, but in Russia, it is an anti-depressant, anti-anxiety drug, created by Russian doctors. No, it does not intefere with my other drugs. It is Nicotinyl-Y-Aminobutyric Acid, a specific derivative of GABA and Niacin that crosses the blood-brain barrier and is used for mood enhancement, mental relaxation, and mental energy with focus. And it works for me. Thank you, Russia.
brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Blood Red Dragon Witch)
Meh, sure, whatever.

1. Tell me one thing you love about me.

2. Tell me two things you love about yourself. Make it good. No self-deprecation allowed!

3. Look through the comments ~ when you see someone you know, tell them three things you love about them.

4. Do this in your journal so I can tell you what I love about YOU - and if you've already done it, tell me so, so that I can go back and give you some love. (Optional, of course)
brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Blood Red 3)
I'm leaving this here just so I remember.
http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/WesternAnimation/Futurama?from=Main.Futurama

Also, this:
Benefits and Healing properties of Baltic Amber:
*Alleviates pain and symptoms associated with teething
*Reduces arthritis pain
*Reduces and prevents migraine headaches
*Reduces acid reflux, heartburn
*Reduces and eliminates eczema, psoriasis, and acne
*Balances digestive system and GI tract
*Improves sleep cycles
*Lifts overall mood and feelings of depression
*Amber prevents the aging of human cells, which use succinic acid as an inhibitor (an agent slowing down or totally stopping the loss of) of potassium ions and an antioxidant.
*Amber changes ionization, positively influencing our frame of mind and rebuilding the disturbed electrostatic field due to electrical devices which affect our organisms.
*There are so many ways in which you can benefit from Baltic amber. It has a substance – or ingredient – called succinic acid. A powerful antioxidant that helps fight toxic free radicals and disruptions of the cardiac rhythm, succinic acid has been shown to stimulate neural system recovery and bolster the immune system, and help compensate for energy drain in the body and brain, boosting awareness, concentration and reflexes, and reducing stress.

The magical things 3 mg Klonopin can do when combined with 350 mg Soma.
My almost nervous breakdown, and my hypertonic insanity, has eased considerably.
You see. Apparently, a Thing may be happening that has me more terrified than excited when I should be insanely happy and excited.
And in the meantime, I have to finish something that has eluded me for a very long time, which I cannot seem to convey to anyone without frustration.
So, Klonopin and desperation it is.

If you are a published writer, especially regarding urban fantasy or science fantasy, please please message me privately. Particularly if you have written novels and novellas.

I am writing the final chapter of the novel, just to see if I can fill things in and tie things up. Oh, I hope this works.

Note to self: Sale at CVS.
brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Makeup)
Random photos, because I'm bored.

Read more... )
brightlotusmoon: (Fae Dragon Alien)
Fine, then, 2013. Bring it.

Dear Joanna: Read All The Books. Seriously. They've piled up on the couch in the office.

I accidentally clipped the fingernails on my right hand too much, so the nerve endings have been complaining and throbbing. I've been massaging my hands with healing ointments to help speed up nail growth. So far so good.

The people at AT&T really are wonderful to me. They're giving me an early upgrade for almost nothing. Soon in the mail I shall receive a refurbished Samsung Galaxy S 3 smartphone. I will probably be incapable of making it work by myself, but that is what AT&T retail stores are for. Now to find a way to store my music somewhere so I can transfer it later.

So, yeah, Lavera Beautiful Lips Lipstick in Deep Red 04 combined with It Cosmetics Vitality Lip Flush Lipstick in Pretty Woman is the best lipcolor combination ever. Also, Lavera Natural Liquid Foundation in Porcelain 01 and Lavera Long Lash Mascara are so amazing and moisturizing I could probably fall asleep in them and wake up with healthier skin. Because seabuckthorn oil is amazing.

http://www.naturalhealthyconcepts.com/beautiful-lips-lipstick-deep-red.html
http://www.naturalhealthyconcepts.com/natural-liquid-foundation-porcelain.html
http://www.naturalhealthyconcepts.com/long-lash-mascara-black-lavera.html

Also, CVS now has this brand new prescription rewards deal where they give you CVS money when you refill a certain amount of prescriptions. It's about time, too.
brightlotusmoon: (Fae Dragon Alien)
It turns out that I love Bombay Sapphire gin paired with fruit juice. Like, really love it. It smells like spiced rubbing alcohol, but somehow I love it.
Well, then.
I mean, there is no way ever I could drink a lot of it because the cerebral palsy already makes me weird and off balance.
But I suppose the next time I go to a bar, that would be my drink. Bombay Sapphire with cranberry or pomegranate juice. Is that already a named drink? I don't know these things.
All I know is that right now I'm drinking that gin with the juice from canned peaches and it is lovely. And it helps clear up my sore throat.

I keep having dreams in which I am followed by butterflies made from lepidolite, purple tourmaline, kyanite, and lapis lazuli. I run through a wide, shallow, muddy field of pink and purple lotus flowers. I never get anywhere, and gradually the mud slows me down as it flows around my ankles. I feel peaceful and satisfied. I have complete faith that everything will be fine. In my hand appears a rough wand of cognac amber. I clutch it and it glows brighter and brighter. Some of the butterflies are in front of me while others stay behind me, always guiding me... somewhere. The only thing I see is sunset and the amber glow in my hand. In my other hand is a beaded bracelet of citrine. It makes me laugh and laugh. I start dancing, and the flowers and butterflies whirl along. But I never reach any destination, and the gentle mud seeps into my skin, infused with lotus oils, soothing the worst of my pains. I keep laughing; I cannot stop laughing. Abruptly, I spin and fall backwards into mud and flowers, shouting joy, and colors of every taste and sound fall around me. I cry as I laugh and I am filled with both pain and peace until I don't feel my body. I become part of it all, and I feel nothing, I feel everything, I feel ME.
I am the universe and the universe is me.

It could be the gin and the painkillers, who knows...
brightlotusmoon: (Fae Dragon Alien)
A conversation that just happened:
Me: You know... I just realized. In the past several days, no matter what has been happening, I've been forgetting that it is Christmas tomorrow. And I just don't care.
Adam: *smiling*
Me: I mean, like... spiritually? Not like foodening and socializing and such? But in essence. I just realized... I just don't give a fuck that it's Christmas. I'm happy to hang out with people who celebrate it, and eat the foods, you know, like seven fishes and roast meats and pumpkin pie and whatever, and to socialize and hang out and chat and be merry. But Christmas is the one and only holiday I truly do not care about in a spiritual essential way. Isn't that funny?
Adam: Honey... you never have.
Me: ...oh. Right.
Adam: Just pretend it's a second Thanksgiving!
Me: Yeah! I can do that!

Because, you know, we have been making pumpkin pies and other foods to bring to C.'s house for the "traditional Christmas Day dinnering" and such. And I just kept... drawing blanks. I knew we were doing something big on that day. But I had already had Saturnalia and Solstice and Yule, with Solstice gifting and giving, and my brain went, "Wait, there's another one? Shit, what's that? Oh! Is that what all this music and shopping is about?" And this is the first year my brain has done that actively. This is the first year I have actually, actively realized how little Christmas means to me on an essential, spiritual, level. On a social level, it's a day to hang out with friends and family with food and drink. Like most holidays. And I don't even feel weird about it. Although I do feel weird that I feel weird about it...
brightlotusmoon: (Fae Dragon Alien)
Oh, and we made our usual cookies with chocolate chips and goji berries, but with this batch we added moringa powder and bee pollen. It didn't change the taste but it it increased the superpower food power.

Note for self. Yup, the Biotin and Inositol supplements are working beautifully. My hair is almost down to my bra strap. My plan is to grow it close to my waist by this time next year. 20,000 mcg Biotin plus 1300 mg Inositol, every day. Also, the Inositol helps with anxiety attacks and the Biotin helps with cellular growth. Adding in Sea Buckthorn and Moringa is doing so many wonderful things for my skin, especially the eczema, xeroderma, itching, redness, flakiness, and sensitivity.

OMG, you guys... Inositol plus Passionflower does unbelievable things to anxiety attacks, for me anyway. I am so relieved. I can breathe, oh yes.

I truly don't care what anyone says. The proper pharmaceutical drugs in the proper dosages in the proper combinations help me feel as wonderful and painless and fantastic as I possibly can for a few blessed hours in a body and brain that will never feel that thing most people call "normal". Close enough.

Dear polytheists: How many of you are hard, how many of you are soft, and how many of you are medium?
See, I consider myself a medium polytheist. To me, gods and other deities have separate individual personalities, but still all connect to one massive incomprehensible source from which all gods are born.
(I once had a discussion about this with a monotheist who kept trying to call that source "
God" even though I tried to explain that in my mind, the monotheistic god is included in the billions of deities connected to that source. The universe is bigger than any god anywhere, anyway, and also prettier.)
Neil Gaiman made a good point in "American Gods" - that there are various incarnations of every god all over the world and throughout time and space.
So, in the book I've been writing, the specific incarnation of Gaia that the protagonists meet is also connected to modern incarnations of other goddesses from other pantheons. I'm wondering if I can fit quantum theory into all this.

I have this natural habit: whenever someone verbally attacks me, I just smile, nod, and say "Okay!" It drives them crazy. It is hard to fight calm. Apparently, it is one of my strengths. I just don't have the energy or time to argue.

"She walks in beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies;
And all that's best of dark and bright
Meet in her aspect and her eyes:
Thus mellow'd to that tender light
Which heaven to gaudy day denies.
One shade the more, one ray the less,
Had half impaired the nameless grace
Which waves in every raven tress,
Or softly lightens o'er her face;
Where thoughts serenely sweet express
How pure, how dear their dwelling-place.
And on that cheek, and o'er that brow,
So soft, so calm, yet eloquent,
The smiles that win, the tints that glow,
But tell of days in goodness spent,
A mind at peace with all below,
A heart whose love is innocent!"
A fellow witch once quoted this at me, about me. I smiled and thanked him and felt quite happy. But even now, years later, I still don't believe in my real self...

I want to be this...

butterfly-into-blue-sky
brightlotusmoon: (Default)
It has been a strange and interesting past week. Mostly because I barely remember it.

Adam has been working locally down at the Gaylord National Hotel and Convention Center in DC. But he has been home, we have slept together on consecutive nights, it is fulfilling and wonderful as always.

I returned from my appointment at the National Spine & Pain Center in Rockville. New refills. Still need the knee x-rays. Tomorrow will be physical therapy and biofeedback at MedStar NRH National Rehabilitation Network in Rockville. My first biofeedback session. I am excited and eager.

I need to pack luggage for almost two weeks. I need to count out enough of all my medications, I need to make sure my charcoal dress and opaque black tights are folded and ready. I shall bring my prettiest cane, with the best rubber handle.

On Friday, we will leave in the early morning and drive to New Jersey. We will stay with Adam's aunt, Ann, overnight. On Saturday, we will get dressed up and go to his cousin Stephanie's wedding. Adam knows and adores every single cousin, and I haven't met many. Stephanie is very sweet and kind. I'm not nervous about being a wedding guest as a cousin by marriage, but I imagine the amount of people will keep the Klonopin close. Adam has a large and geographically close family. We will see his parents, coming up from Florida, and I shall be thrilled to see them, of course, but will hold back kindly many things.
(Libby is the epitome and encyclopedic definition of Jewish Mother Stereotype. Overbearance, manipulation, martyrdom, powers of guilt trip beyond that of mortal humans. Our wedding in 2005 became her wedding, naturally. Everyone worked to the bone to keep me from shattering under the weight of Libby's machinations, manipulations, and cheerful cluelessness about my attempts to make it more pagan than Jewish. There was compromise. No mention of any god in the vows. The chuppa was adorded with flowers and non religious art. The ketuba was painted by my artists parents with pagan and nature symbols. Adam wore the tallit. We drank the wine. Oh, we drank the wine. I walked down the aisle to the theme to "The Princess Bride." The bridal party walked to Steeleye Span's "Black Swan." Our first dance was to The Waterboy's "Universal Hall", and we danced to pagan songs. I have blacked out most of it, but for the beautiful ceremony, in which Adam and I stared at each other with glazed, crazed expressions of "I love you more than eternity, let's run off screaming." But oh, the love kept us sane enough.)

After Stephanie's wedding, Adam and I shall continue driving north, to New York, to east Long Island, to the Hamptons, to Sag Harbor. We will spent the entire week of Thanksgiving with my parents. During that week, my friends Charlotte and William will come by to check on the cats and the house. From Sag Harbor, Adam and I will leave on Saturday morning after Thanksgiving.
By that time, my mother and I may have driven each other crazy enough to say "I love you to death, now goodbye before I kill you. Mwah." Mom may be an atheist, but Jewish Mother is a powerful hereditary spirit. Her thing is food. My parents live organic with tiny meals and no sweets unless hand made. No bread unless organic. Vegetables from the garden every day. A perfect way to eat, truly. For them. That is fine, that is wonderful, that is not how I live permanently. My mother grills me on my food habits, my weight, my shape, my lifestyle, my sweet tooth, my spending, my wants versus my needs. Her way of control is to keep me in a tight life of maintenance. No wonder when I was a child I would sneak chocolate and candy. See, my mother and I are the Gilmore Girls. We are best friends. And best friends clash and drive each other mad. But I have always done that with her. Push and push back. I love her, we talk on the phone every day, but, well, what's to be done about a mother and adult daughter who know that the daughter is mentally a child and that the mother desperately wants to hover over? Rhetorical question, there.

Oh, why am I writing this? Do I need to vent something? I don't know. So much pain and fatigue and itching and heat these last few days. Heat and itching spreading across my head, ears, neck, face, chest. My friend Crystal gets the same thing as a part of her fibromyalgia. And so I sigh and take antihistamine pills and vitamins and anti-inflammatory supplements.

The cats. Oh, the cats have been marvelous. Watchful, loving, endlessly begging for hugs and brushing and treats and pure love. Rose is perched on the arm of the couch now, watching me, occasionally leaning in to nuzzle my cheek. I am waiting for my nail polish to dry. Sally Hansen Nailgrowth Miracle in Natural Sienna. A deep bronze brown with gold sheen. My new favorite next to Divine Wine, Radiant Rose, Perfect Plum, Wholesome Earth, Mighty Mauve.
And my nails are long, strong. I want to feel as strong.

There is no longer spasticity from the cerebral palsy thanks to the Ultram and Soma, but the fibromyalgia flare attack still lingers. Oh, well. I can work with that.

When Adam was in Las Vegas last week, he picked me up a beautiful fake diamond pin in the shape of an S-curved dragon. She has ruby eyes, a fake pink diamond in her mouth. I could not stop staring at her, grinning, giggling "Shiny" over and over, which pleased Adam. I keep her at my bedside. I have not named her yet. I may name her something that means 'luck' or 'power' or 'strength' or 'hope'.

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March 2015

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