brightlotusmoon: (Asha)
Yes, obviously. Sheesh.

Friends have been sharing this back and forth into repetitive boredom, so I'll just add: Yes, this is obviously a strategy I've been implementing for a while in order to manage my mental illnesses, it is totally part of a very very specific personal therapeutic ritual that will take at least another couple of months to complete, and for Loki's sake, this stuff takes time, quit asking if I'm better yet. I've only been ritualizing for three years; most of this takes at least five. Plus, I can't just magically fix damaged neural pathways by thinking happy thoughts. Most people spend decades in therapy, while their acquaintances urge them to fix themselves faster. The frantic urging especially comes from people who've never even been in states of extreme anxiety, clinical depression, endless chronic pain, obsession, compulsion, memory disintegration, traumatic stress, dissociation, depersonalization, derealization. I often hold back from just punching walls. Therapeutic ritual and mindfulness in mental artistry takes time and a large amount of control. I've only been doing it since 2011. By 2015 something will at least be, as they say, Fixed. At least enough to allow other treatments to fall into place. Until I finish that intense ongoing ritual, I'll keep on battling where battles must be fought.
brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Ruby Blood Dragon Witch Light)
I wear a dark green Russian Amazonite ring on my spastic hemiplegic left hand to represent cerebral palsy. I wear a purple charoite ring on my right hand to represent fibromyalgia. I wear purple lepidolite bracelets, blue kyanite bracelet, labradorite bracelet, fluorite bracelet, purple charoite clear quartz pentacle pendant, to represent all of my awesome disabilities of which I am proud.
Because I can. Because colorful gems are cool.

*Obvious Disclaimer Is Obvious*
Just because I have purely personal anecdotal experience that crystals and stones have healing powers does not mean that crystals and stones will work for anyone, and it does not mean that other people would have the same experiences. I am fine with being mocked, belittled, and teased.

"Lepidolite is a type of mica, it is shy and created of many layers of hexagonal plates. It occurs in sparkling masses around pink tourmaline crystals. Due to it's cleavage, as with most mica, Lepidolite is rarely faceted. It is rich in lithium, which is what lends it's beautiful color. Lepidolite cracks and breaks easily.
Placed on the body, Lepidolite is used to locate the site of the body's disease; vibrating gently to indicate the source.
Lepidolite will:
strengthen the immune system, restructures DNA, enhances the generation of negative ions;
relieve allergies, exhaustion, epilepsy and Alzheimer's;
detoxify for the skin and connective tissue;
assist in an excellent stone for menopause, especially as an elixir;
be laid directly on painful parts of the body, it helps with nerve pain, sciatica, neuralgia and joint problems;
be known as a powerful pain remover, it can also reduce the ill-effects of anesthetic and dependency on medications, alcohol, tobacco or food; and
also told to provide a wonderful shield against the effects of modern pollutions.
Lepidolite is:
a stone of calm, trust, and acceptance;
extremely useful in the reduction of depression as well as stress;
used to halt obsessive thoughts, and relieves despondency, as well as overcomes insomnia; and
supportive in releasing one from addictions and complains of all kinds, including anorexia;
known to clear out all of the redundant messages and voices form the past that hold us back from happiness and/or success;
an aid in attracting supportive friends and colleagues, as well as bring opportunities to succeed; and
will help any and all living in unavoidably stressful experiences (such as city dwellers) to maintain a calm, and serene center.
Due to its calming properties and its often vividly purple color, Lepidolite can be used in rituals or carried to promote spirituality. It is a mineral carried to attract good luck, it also drives off negativity, although it's protective properties are not extremely strong. To promote a restful nights sleep free of nightmares, place Lepidolite near the headboard of the bed.
Called a 'stone of transformation" Lepidolite releases and reorganises old psychological and behavioral patterns, thus inducing change.
Stay Healthy!"

"Fluorite is highly protective and is a beneficial crystal to help guard one from picking up negativity or negative energies from those nearby. It cleanses and stabilizes the aura and is extremely effective against computer and electromagnetic stress. Spiritually, Fluorite grounds and integrates spiritual energies. It heightens intuitive powers and makes one more aware of higher spiritual realities. Psychologically, Fluorite dissolves fixed patterns of behavior and opens the door to the subconscious, bringing suppressed feelings to the surface for resolution. Dissolving fixed ideas, it helps one to see the bigger picture. This crystal dissolves illusions and reveals the truth. It can be very helpful when one needs to act impartially and objectively. Fluorite increases self-confidence, improves physical and mental coordination and counteracts mental disorders. This crystal is an excellent learning aid, increasing concentration. It helps one to absorb new information and promotes quick thinking.
Emotionally, Fluorite is stabilizing and helps one to understand the effect of the mind and emotions on the body. In relationships, it teaches the importance of balance. In healing, Fluorite is a powerful healing tool, drawing off negative energies and stress of all kinds. It cleanses, purifies and dispels anything within the body that is not in perfect order. Fluorite helps with infections and benefits teeth, cells and bones. It repairs DNA damage and is powerful against viruses. Fluorite is beneficial for colds, the flu and sinusitis. This stone alleviates arthritis, rheumatism and spinal injuries. Stroked across the body towards the heart, it provides pain relief. Fluorite rekindles sexual libido.
Fluorite is one of the healing crystals that everyone MUST have. I literally use it every day in a protective grid at my computer desk, to guard against excess electromagnetic radiation, to keep my work flow and focus in harmony and to heighten my intuitive gifts. It guards against negativity and unwanted outside influences, psychic manipulation (think the media) and stress of all types. One simply cannot overuse Fluorite or even have too much of it! On the physical level, it is a strong healer for almost everything, but especially bones, joints and teeth; surgery, injuries like bruises and cuts; colds, flu, viruses; pain relief; heals the skin including shingles; as well as disorders in the stomach and intestines. Position the Fluorite over the affected area - you can even tape it or bandage it to an area that has a cast or stitches where it can work 24/7. Mentally Fluorite is a strong intellectual and learning crystal, It is extremely organizing for the mind and can be used in cases of ADD and ADHD where the brain is "mis-wired." It is a good crystal to use in order to coordinate the body and mind together. Emotionally it is stabilzing and helps balance mind and emotions. Fluorite heightens mental abilities, assisting in rapid organization and processing of information and can bring mental clarity and stability to an otherwise chaotic situation.
Due to its powerful ability to absorb negative energies, Fluorite should be cleared often."
brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Ruby Blood Dragon Witch)

I had a seizure. I didn't mean to. It lasted three minutes. Complex partial. I'm so sorry. I suck at everything. I can't think. Word fail. Word flail. I'm sorry. I have to something something rest and medicine. I'm sorry about the seizure. I remember Alicia's kiss. I remember her peace. I remember Koan's purring, I remember Serena's embrace. I remember whiteness and vortex and confusion. I'm so sorry, brain. Something something take your Klonopin and Passionflower and rest easy.
Maybe winter. Maybe I don't know. Things hurt. I'm just cold. Everything is my fault.

brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Ruby Blood Dragon Witch)
Seizure happened in the kitchen. Jupiter meowed and rubbed against me while I crouched. Adam came in and gently lay me on the floor. My eyes were open and blank. Adam touched my face and reached for my mind, and I spasmed and gasped and blinked. I asked why I was on the floor. Adam helped me up and stood me against the large freezer. My memory is swirling. Alicia is holding me. Earlier, Adam said he told his boss, a fellow animal lover, that he needed an extra day to care for his wife. I rolled my eyes and said that was not necessary; that I was fine. Never mind. It was so dark and so white equally braided as order and chaos magics. I was spinning at ninety-nine percent light speed and thirty-five miles an hour. The world was elsewhere. A few seconds lasted a thousand years. Adam suggested I go upstairs and rest. Jupiter is suggesting a cuddle. I am thinking coffee and clonazepam and baclofen. I am made of light and love and pure order-chaos magic in its simplest form. I can give myself the right strength. May be that I can regenerate. As brightly and intensely as a Time Lord. I always shine enough for everyone.

brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Ruby Blood Dragon Witch)
I found my long missing charoite bracelet! It makes me happy. Especially when nestled next to one of the lepidolite bracelets. So now the gemstone jewelry count is: Two amber bracelets, two lepidolite bracelets, one multi-colored charoite bracelet, one multi-colored tourmaline bracelet with a lotus charm, one kyanite bracelet, one sodalite pentacle with clear quartz center wrapped in copper, one amber ouroborous pentacle, one large charotie copper ring, one charoite lapis lazuli copper ring, one triple turquoise ring, and an amber copper ring. Aside from the green-gold Celtic knot wedding ring, my ancestor's simple gold wedding ring, and the rose gold blue-white diamond bezel set engagement ring. I also have a lepidolite quartz nickel pentacle that I use separate to massage sore muscles. I'm cool with all that.

I see my gemstones kind of like some of my medical supplements, anyway. They work, they help. Sometimes not. It's okay. They're worth it.
brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Blood Red Warrior)
Skull and neck paims beyond belief, augh.
Caffeine and MSM and Yerba Mate and Moringa and Mangosteen and Noni and Soma and Klonopin and stretching and exercise and even MIPCCY - Yes. I think I too much Ultram yesterday by pure accident of brain fog, so no more for a few days. But the rest of it, yes. I will be okay.
I'm getting there.
brightlotusmoon: (Pixie Model 1)
Oh, damn. I forgot to celebrate my first SSDI Approval anniversary on July 10th. Eh, better late.
Besides, as of August, I'll have my Medicare Part A activated - and I did turn down Part B, because I like Carefirst too much.
I hope I made the best decision for now, since it's not like I am so bad that I am constantly in and out of clinics and such. Right?

Also, I have so many random head and face pains. It could be so many things. Migraine, eye strain, neck pain, tension headache, dry sinus, jaw pain, cranial nerve pains, bone issues. Last night it was so excruciating I couldn't sleep. Finally, after Adam helped me with Reiki and massage, I muttered something about "dammit, taking drugs now" and got my two strongest prescriptions: Soma and Codeine/Tyenol. At 12:45, I swallowed them down with sea buckthorn oil to hide the taste and coffee to also mask the taste. I woke up again at 1:45 and there was some mild improvement, like some of the ice pickers had packed up and gone home. At 2:30, I glanced at the clock and realized that there were only a couple of little sharp, shocking stabs here and there around my nose and cheeks and skull, and I could live with that. I didn't even hear Adam's alarm at 7:30. I slept straight through until noon. Rose lay herself on my torso and nibbled my cheeks and jaw and licked me. Then I fell out of bed using the cane nearby, took my necessary pills (pharmaceutical and supplement) with that amazing cold-brew coffee with almost no acidity, took a long very hot shower, took more Soma and Codeine with Klonopin, stretched very very gently, and realized I would be okay to look at a computer screen for a couple hours at a time. Good.

I always knew it would get much worse and that I would fall so hard. But at this point, I don't even notice. The feathers are heavy but soft.
brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Blood Red Light Pale)
And this is the thing about major depression that many people don't realize, understand, or believe.
You can really, actually feel a kind of happiness, you can laugh and joke and feel uplifted. It's just that sometimes it feels horribly fake to you, or that once it's all over you feel shame and guilt and worse sadness.
When they say laughter is medicine, it is absolutely true. But when you are in a clinical depression episode, laughter can often feel strange and uncertain and alien. I do it anyway. I have to. I find things to make me laugh. I ask people to tell me great jokes. I look for hilarious things on YouTube, like this one, a filk mock-up of "Hey There Delilah" called "Hey There Chthulhu" - certainly brilliant.
Or maybe those mock-ups of songs from Portal the game (which I've never played).

And naturally there are my favorite television programs, the ones that make me laugh, comedy or not.

The important thing for me is that during an episode, I try to keep my mood as elevated as I can. Because sinking deeper and deeper makes it so much more difficult to feel better, to get well, to recover, to treat myself, to get help. Even just writing reminders to laugh at certain things can help me.

But above all: Yes, you can laugh and be social and be happy while depressed. What happens on the inside various from person to person. I can only speak for myself.

Migraine and fibromyalgia flare can't help. Bah.
brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Blood Red Light Pale)
You guys, I amaze myself. I've been writing helter skelter all over the place: Novel, stories, novellas, blogs, facebook, notebooks with various pens, everywhere... in the middle of a postictal migraine and insanely horrific agonizing chronic pain flare-up following recovery from a panic attack. If I didn't have a computer or paper I might write on the walls. I hurt so badly I have no idea what I'm doing. I feel half fire and half water. Wild and raging, and all I want is a crackling bonfire and a rushing river.
I doctored up a photo of myself and it came out half gold light and half blue light. It looks inhuman. But part of me adores it so much. My face is two different parts. I am two entities in one. When I burn, I am cool. When I am cool, I burn. It is ying yang, dragon phoenix, up and down, left and right, I don't even know. I don't speak out loud except to my cats, I just speak through Story. So much Story inside me.
That rock. That rock that my husband gave me, the rock that he held while standing in Room 217 of the Stanley Hotel, in which Stephen King wrote "The Stand" and used as an inspiration for "The Shining". That rock is still next to my laptop. I am covered in words. I am filled up with Words. I may disappear into Story. I may not even see the world until I have to.
Is this what it is like to live in the land of the Fae and then come back to the land of humans?


Maybe it was the super moon. Maybe it is the heat from the sun now. Maybe it is anything.
brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Blood Red Light Pale)



You lift your head to ask if this is a dream. She presses her finger to your lips and smiles. As she gently places the shining blossom into your outstretched hands, she whispers, "This will be safe inside you. Together, you will understand." You want to ask her everything, but you know you mustn't. She kisses your lips and stands tall. Raising her arms, she fades slowly. The air is filled with the scent of the sacred lotus. You press the flower to your breast and it vanishes, sinking inside you. And you begin to understand.
You find her in the swamp itself. This time she is wearing faded denim shorts and a sleeveless top, muscled abdomen and arms well exposed, bronze skin glistening. She is knee deep in muddy water, examining each blossom with careful fingers. She looks up at you with bright green eyes and smiles widely. Her hair is blacker than the darkest muddy water, tied back with satin. She looks so young and so old.
"Are you here for another one?" she asks. "Never mind, of course you are. Hold on. I need to find yours." She moves slowly, dipping her hands in up to the wrists until her skin is masked in mud.
"They're sleepy today," she says. "Here, talk. Ask which one wants you and I'll take it."
"Do I have to come into the mud?" you ask, preparing to remove your shoes.
"No, no, just call out. They'll hear you even far away."
You take a deep breath, focus on the flowers floating all around the woman, and say, "Dear blossom, come to me." You aren't sure if that will work. But then the woman nods. She tilts her head one way and the other. She turns around and walks a foot, then slowly bends at the knees and carefully scoops up a richly pink lotus that looks exactly like all the others. She whispers something, and the flower begins to glow. Grinning, the woman walks out of the swamp and holds out the flower. "Perfect!" she says. "Instant connection. Good job."
You cup your hands and she slides your lotus into your hands. There is a small amount of mud; it feels cool and refreshing, with a slight tingling. The lotus shines so brightly that you need to squint, and it disappears into your hands, under your skin.
You blink at the woman. "So that's it?"
She smiles. "Nope. Never. But you're learning more as you go. I'll see you when you're ready to come back. You'll know where I'll be."
You want to ask something, something important. You have forgotten. You just feel blissful. You reach out, and she hugs you tightly, burying her face in your hair. You rest your chin on her shoulder. She smells like lotus and frankincense and pure joy.
"I'll come home soon," you murmur. She just nods. Nothing else needs to be said.
The lotus flowers are in full bloom, all of them. You stand naked and waist deep in the swamp, surrounded. The blossoms and glowing gently, swimming around you. Your guide is nowhere. You cannot call out, or speak, or even whisper. You draw in a breath. A small pink petal floats on the air toward you and presses itself on your tongue. No, you think. I must not speak. You are crowded by flowers. Instinct speaks, and you fall back until the lotus flowers catch you. You are floating on a shining bed of full lotus blossoms. You are covered in tingling mud. You open your mouth and light streams from it. A single whole flower lifts and slowly flies to you and settles gently in your mouth. You breathe in very slowly, and the lotus becomes pure energy that pours down your throat like a refreshing drink. You close your eyes. Everything makes sense. You are everywhere. You begin to laugh, but you do not know if it is in your mind or through your mouth.
"There you go!" says a familiar golden voice. "How do you feel now?" You open your eyes. You cannot stop laughing like a child. The Lotus Woman has eyes that cycle through every shade of green, and you find it fascinating. She reaches for you, and you reach for her. She scoops you up and carries you to a heated rock beyond the swamp. There are clothes waiting for you, folded on another rock. The Lotus Woman helps you sit up. She produces a wood brush and slowly combs your hair, letting the bright, bright sun dry the muddy water away. She carefully rubs you down with a towel that feels like silk and cotton. You look at her, finally, and notice that now she is wearing a red sundress that moves like water, with boots polished like mirrors.
She finishes smoothing you down and helps you into undergarments, blue slacks, a red tee shirt, and boots similar to hers.
"We're going to the healing room," she says, "if you'd like. There will be oil massage and saunas and showers of all kinds. Now that you have your next lotus, I think you'll appreciate the new magic."
You just feel so much bliss, so much joy, so much euphoria, that you only nod and smile widely. She taps her finger on your nose. "Now, don't get excited. That'll fade. We need to make sure it doesn't overwhelm you. It's supposed to become part of you, remember?"
Licking your lips and taking a deep breath, you say, "Yes. I'll remember." Your voice sounds like small bells inside your head.
You hold the Lotus Woman's hand and shield your eyes from the sun with your other hand. She is leading you far from the swamp, but it is all right. You will be back soon, of course.
It is the way she looks at you, with that quirky smile and those gleaming dark green eyes.
You hold out your cupped hands, trying not to tremble, trying not to disturb the velvety white lotus nestled against your fingers.
"Is this your gift to me?" she asks.
"Yes," you say. "You have helped me so much... and I know you always have these, but I found this one right where I live, and, I mean, I know they're so rare, but..."
She holds up a hand, smiling so widely. "It's okay, sweetheart. I understand." She very carefully takes the lotus from you, holds it to her lips, and kisses the petals. "Thank you. It's perfect."
"Maybe... maybe tomorrow," you say shakily, "we can go to the swamp and... you know... talk to the other flowers?"
She tilts her head and her eyes fill with compassion. "Oh, darling," she murmurs. "Don't be so nervous. There's no need to be shy. This is your world. We will do anything you wish."
You nod, your throat thick with tears. You have no idea what to say next. You realize you don't need to say a word. You watch as she holds your white lotus gift to her breast, and you watch as the lotus turns into golden light, and you watch as the lotus melts into her bronze skin, and you watch as she draws a deep deep breath, exhaling into the sky. Suddenly, you feel a massive weight lifted, spiraling away from the top of your head. Energy fills you starting at your feet and moving in a rush until it reaches the same top of your head. You feel absolute and complete ecstasy, euphoria, tranquility, and serenity. You draw a deep deep breath, exhaling into the sky. You want to laugh, so you laugh. And she laughs with you.
You feel how deeply the universe lives inside you. You laugh, and you embrace everything you can reach, until you feel yourself glowing. You dance and dance, and she takes your hands and joins you, and the universe dances with you.
This time, you are standing ankle-deep in a swamp at midnight. Everything is glowing blue - the sky, the water, the lotus flowers, your skin.
The Lotus Woman is sitting in front of you, cross-legged, surrounded by blue and white lotus blossoms all in full bloom. Her bronze skin, her black hair, her green eyes... everything about her is shining with pale blue light.
You feel comforted and serene in a way you have never known at such a deep level. You carefully sit down in the same position, letting the mud flow against you. You and she are both dressed in shorts and sleeveless tops, no shoes, your hair both unbound. The mud sinks effortlessly into your skin.
Neither of you speak. After a few minutes, one lotus blossom floats into your lap, white and blue and covered in dew drops. You very gently pick it up and it dissolves into your skin with an intense burst of blue and white light.
She grins and laughs, clapping her hands. "Oh, yay! I was hoping you would get that one. It's been waiting for you."
You smile and shrug. "I guess I've been waiting too."
The dozens of flowers float and spin around you both, several touching your skin and her skin, merging with you in tiny light bursts that feel like soft winds. She holds out her hands and you reach out and you grasp them tightly.
You don't know how long you sit and meditate, but it doesn't matter. Forever can fit inside a single moment, after all.
The white and blue lotus blossoms swirl around you, lifting your soul, until the entire world is filled with light, and you feel completely at peace, bursting with serenity.
brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Blood Red Dragon Witch)
Well, I find myself in a sudden, abrupt, creepy Charybdis tunnel of depression with panic, a violent episode that is making me want to rip my skin off... which means that the fibromyalgia, hypersensitivity, synesthesia, and sensory processing disorder have jumped into the fray. I know the world is not ending. I know the world is not ending. I know the world is not ending.
I need my cats to nuzzle me and nibble my cheekbones and purr very loudly in my ears, because I know the world is not ending.

Klonopin, to me! Lepidolite gemstone, to me!

Best thing for me, might be contradictory... taking shallow breaths while rocking back and forth, knees to chest, because everything is fine, I am not having an out of body experience, all is well, my skin is not on fire, I am fine, my brain is not going to destroy my sense of self.

Someone tell me a story, any story.
brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Blood Red Dragon Witch)
Body is very slowly getting better. Adam put a game hen in the deep fryer, I made herb rice, and I ate salad greens. My stomach finally began registering fullness.

Adam wondered if both the fibromyalgia and the fibromyalgia medications are having this effect on the nerves in my stomach; he fully understands now that I tend to vacillate between being unable to eat much and being unable to feel full despite eating plenty. He actually knows more about how the digestive system and nervous system work in tandem than I do, so I'm taking his suggestions to heart. He approved of the Ensure and since he has tomorrow off he suggested cooking tantalizing meals together.

I came for the love, I stayed for the food. When Adam was a teen, he was given a half scholarship to the Culinary Institute of the Arts, but it was still too expensive, so he just cooked amazing foods for family and friends. He's been doing such since his preteen years, when his mother was hospitalized for three months with pleurisy and he was forced to learn to cook to prevent three months of hot dogs with his father. When I first became anorexic, it was Adam's chef powers that saved me from hospitalization and feeding tubes. Oh, the man can cook.

A migraine is beginning to happen, again triggering nausea and sinus pain and muscle spasms inside my body, which is such an insane sensation. I am unhappy. I shall be receiving a skull massage from Adam, who also knows Shiatsu, Reiki, psychic touch... I did mention that randomly, probably. Yes yes, I love and adore and cherish him, etc, he is as a demigod to me.

Time for medical meditation with amber and lepidolite and charoite and kyanite and tourmaline. This is what the bracelets and rings are for. Connecting to Gaia, the cosmic consciousness, and healing deities like Apollo always seems to help, even just a little. I cherish the sensations of chakras opening and aligning, of energies moving, of my quantum psychic consciousness activating.
brightlotusmoon: (Snow White Blood Red Dragon Witch)
I am Blue and Green and Purple. Why, I don't know. I just am.

1. Oh my various gods, this is such a lovely green.
2. Gemstone dictionary. I love it.
3. This actually works. I am wearing it now next to amber. It is amazing.

Also, my absolute favorite shade of green. Also, powerful as power healing, kind of like Reiki...

Current jewelry:

Right wrist: Labradorite, multi-color raw amber, fluorite (clear, green, blue, purple, pink), lilac lepidolite with eternity symbol charm.
Left wrist: Labradorite, lemon raw amber, honey raw amber, purple lepidolite, multi-color tourmaline, blue kyanite, charoite.
Right hand: Engagement ring (rose gold, heirloom white diamond in white gold bezel setting, three blue diamonds on each side, raised channel setting with rose gold pave. Charoite with seraphinite side stones. Seraphinite with charoite side stones.
Left hand: Wedding ring (Green Gold. Celtic eternity/healing knot with triquetra symbols on each side; extremely similar to the Auryn symbol in the movie version of The NeverEnding Story.) Heirloom plain thin gold band. Amber flanked with Bali beads. Charoite flanked with Bali beads. Amazonite flanked with Bali beads.

I don't know why I feel weirdly defensive when people ask me why I wear "so much jewelry" - I mean, it's about healing, and strength, and serenity, and power... and yes, OCD. But mostly about power.

I mean, gemstones do have power. Amber is genuinely healing; there have been studies. Same with lepidolite. Labradorite has been discovered in meteorites. Tourmaline has been shown to help shield from electromagnetic radiation. Wearing green jade has brought luck. And most psychically sensitive people have been able to feel intense energies and auras radiating from various rocks and minerals. They're never just "pretty rocks" to me. But if that is what it takes to convince people, I will nod and smile and say "pretty rocks."
brightlotusmoon: (Fae Dragon Alien)
Stuff I want in 2013:

Improve my brain.
Allow myself to work with my crazy rather than against it.
Temper my specific particular OCD, depression, and anxiety issues, and realize that it all must be treated as a severe illness that can be healed.
Be here now.
Be more self aware and less self absorbed.
Stop myself before making rash, unnecessary decisions.
Realize I have what I need and want and only take more when it is truly necessary.

A Samsung Galaxy S 3 smartphone. My ATT contract will allow me to update in July, so I must be patient.
Money to get another hair coloring at Ulta with Redken Chromatics.
Putting more money into savings, just like everyone else.
Read all the books I haven't read yet.
More healing exercises, stretches, massages, etc. I do what I can.
Write. Write. Write. Write. Write. Write.
Finish everything I write.
Be proud of everything I write; know I will be a success.
brightlotusmoon: (Default)
Good things: Taking 20,000 mcg (20 mg) of Biotin at once every day really does help with healthy hair and nail growth for me. Not necessarily longer growth, just better, healthier, stronger, shinier growth, which will in itself help with longer growth in the long run, and I did not mean to sound like a commercial, sorry.
(Disclaimer: I do this for myself because it works for me. If you want to try it, have fun, just do your research. Although, Biotin - aka B7 and BH - really is an awesome vitamin and gives me lots of anti-fatigue energy and helps lift my depression slightly.)

Also, NAC, N-Acetyl-Cysteine. Good for boosting my energy levels and such. And I was recently told it may work as a supplement for OCD, ADD/ADHD, mild depression, anxiety, bipolar, respiratory problems, and memory problems.
(Disclaimer: I do this for myself because it works for me. If you want to try it, have fun, just do your research.)

It is very important to put disclaimers on every supplement and holistic treatment. Because they do not always work for people. Some may not work at all. But I will only talk about stuff that works for me. If other people want to try it, they are free to do so, and I'm happy to answer questions, but I will never be one of those "holistic proselytizers" who insists that everything is awesome. I'm still not sure about the whole "water homeopathy" even though I take homeopathic tablets like arnica and ignatia in tablet form all the time and they work wonderfully, so I'll say I like homeopathy in non-liquid form, I guess, I don't know, I just know something works. Anyway, every body is different always all the time forever so nobody make fun, please.
brightlotusmoon: (Default)
I really wonder if I am the only person actively trying to research the major comparisons between Chinese sea buckthorn oil and Brazilian andiroba, copaiba, pracaxi, and acai oils. I'm talking bioactive compounds, nutritional compounds, fatty acid compositions, phytosterols, polyphenols, microelements, carotenes, capacity for tissue regeneration and cellular regeneration, etcetera.
Part of me wants all those oils and extracts all in one, but it feels selfish. What if all the Brazil oils can do everything the Chinese oil can do? No, seriously, I mean that.
Would I be satisfied? Yeah, probably. It's just that I've been invested in sea buckthorn oil for over a decade and it's hard to switch to another healing botanical from another country just like that.

Actually, what am I doing? I don't have to choose. I had a memory lapse. Sigh. I love you, Rochelle.
(Those glowing reviews, by the way, are mine. I was the Superfruit co-creator.)

So, where does your OCD and or ADD addled brain wander off to late at night when you want to sleep but can't because *something is important on the internet (and you forgot why)*
brightlotusmoon: (Default)
And yet another email from a well-meaning stranger who insists that if only I would stop all my medications and eat certain foods for the rest of my life, I would be completely healed and all my disabilities would vanish. Ah, willful ignorance, my nemesis, we meet again.
Dear Idiot: If you happen to read this, allow me to correct your incredible errors. No one should ever attempt stop any prescription medication without consulting their doctors. No food or combination of foods can cure medical conditions that began with brain damage from birth. It is extremely important to eat a healthy, balanced, fresh, whole diet. Such nutrition will absolutely have a positive effect on overall health, immunity, and various bodily functions. Such nutrition will even contribute to the body's own amazing healing powers. However, to claim that food, and food alone, is the one and only necessary treatment for every conceivable ailment is irresponsible, ignorant, and stupid.
Trust me, I get where you're coming from. I was raised for twenty years on supplements, herbs, vitamins, fresh food, exercise, and the occasional pill to deal with a temporary ailment. I didn't touch a long-term pharmaceutical drug until my late twenties. And do you know what happened when I did? It changed my life. Certain drugs began to control my seizures, anxiety, depression, nerve pain, muscle tension, body spasms, and other major neurological and physical disabilities. I had no idea how wonderful modern "Big Pharma" could be when it was applied responsibly. You see, I had spent so long believing in the mantra of "Big Pharma Is Evil" that I ignored dozens of symptoms and attempted to heal myself with supplements and holistic treatments that did not help in the ways I actually needed. I scoffed at suggestions of prescription drugs. I snarled at the thought of being on long term painkiller drugs. How could I? I would never trust that awful killer Big Pharma! Guess what? I was a complete idiot. I was so stupid that I let myself go on for years with symptoms and syndromes building up until I had no more choice - I had to get professional help.
I am forever grateful for the pharmaceutical drugs that I take. They really did save my life. But hey, I will never, ever tell anyone that they should do what I did, either go totally holistic or totally pharmaceutical. I believe so strongly in the balance of the two things that I still take my supplements and alternative treatments every day. I make sure that every herb, vitamin, food, and exercise works as well as possible with my "evil scary Big Pharma drugs." This has been such a beautiful thing for me that I plan on doing in until I die.
Yes, my symptoms still flare on a regular basis. Yes, often the only thing that soothes my pains and aches and twitches are those pharmaceutical drugs. But do you know what I will never want? I would never want anyone to hear my story and assume that they can live with a disease, disorder, or illness and heal themselves just by eating a bunch of fruit. As much as I love all that fruit, I eat it as food and as supplemental medicine. I live in the 21st century, in an age of powerful medicines; I can eat all the roots, leaves, powders, elixirs, fruits, and vegetables I want, but that will not cure any of my medical conditions. I accept that and I embrace that.
And here's an amazing fact: Many of those evil, scary pharmaceutical medicines were extracted and synthesized from good old food, herbs, plants, trees, coral reefs, and all sorts of glorious, fantastic things found in nature. Isn't that wonderful? Sure, a great deal of sciencey things happen to turn nature into drugs. But without nature, we would not have medicine. So don't you fucking dare tell me how I should treat my health conditions. If I wanted to ask, I would have asked. And you could have just made a kind suggestion. I probably would have thanked you and smiled and done some research. So be nice. Typing this whole thing out took some time. And now, if you will excuse me, I need to take a painkiller to ease the fiery pain in my hands and wrists.
Thank you for reading. I wish you good health for all your days.
brightlotusmoon: (Default)
I want to make up a song about the Moringa plant to the tune of "Maria" from "West Side Story" but I was never good at song parodies...

Also, I got pure food grade Sea Buckthorn oil, berry oil and seed oil, so time to add it to everything and see how well it will help the occasional acid reflux. Also, we can use it in baking!

And now I want to research the scientific and medical comparisons and differences between Moringa and Sea Buckthorn, sort of like a botanical showdown. Which one has more antioxidant power? Healing power? Bioactive compounds? Micronutrients? Macronutrients? Fatty acids? Immune building factors? Trace minerals? Protection against chromosomal damage? Cellular repair? Or are they fairly equal at most things? Sea Buckthorn has been my main botanical champion for a decade; will Moringa surpass it in my heart? Time to find out!
brightlotusmoon: (Default)
I kind of feel like throwing a tantrum and whining. You know, "Why meee? I don't wanna hurt like this! Make it stooop! I'm so tiiired!"
But part of growing up and growing wise is learning to understand how far you can raise your limits.
If there is one platitude I will forever hate, it is the "You have no limits, they are all just in in your mind" bullshit. I certainly do have my limitations. I just have to keep pushing them more and more so it takes more strength to reach them, and along the way I slowly grow stronger in my own way. Once I reach those limits, I exhaust myself, then I rest, and then I push the limits even more, because it's a goal, like climbing a mountain. I don't "push past my limits" - I push my limits beyond so I can keep reaching for them.
Just because I have my limits does not mean I can't surpass them. They will always be there, but the farther away they are, the stronger I become as I work toward them.
But I do allow myself the occasional stomping and screaming and getting angry at the pain along the way, because Dealing With It tends to get very old and very exhausting. Being told to slap on a metaphorical bandage and walk it off makes me snarl and growl. Being told to use the pain as a focus makes me determined. My pain can be a weapon in a way.
I have held these powerful masks and walls in place all my life, and eventually I must let them all come crashing down, and I have no idea what will happen then, I just know it will not be pleasant or good at all. I refuse to bow or bend to anyone else's ideas of what it means to push through pain, but I will absolutely work with my own views. If I bend, I won't break. But even if I do break, I will put myself back together. I am a Diamond. I am Steel. I am a Rose. I am a Lotus. I am fragile and powerful and You Can't Tell Me What To Do. Unless I like what you're telling me. Then I will be happy with your advice and your views. But do not ever tell me what I cannot do for myself, because You Are Not Me. I Am Not You. One Person Is Not Another Person. Here, let us trade shoes and figure out what it is really like.
I am full of love right now, I am shining so intensely that I can barely see past my own soul. Who wants some Love? Who wants some Shiny Love? Seriously, I am radiating energy and power so insanely that all three cats are staring at me, all purring, and I can actually sense all the trees in the neighborhood bending slowly toward my house. I have no idea what any of this means, but I do know that I am full of a powerful thing that I cannot explain in words. I will do my best to help you Shine and Feel Loved as I sit here, by myself, with my cats and my toys and my books and my medicines. I am made of stars, just like you. We are the universe exploring its own imagination.
It's All Good.





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